Bill Burr: Let It Go Page #3
- NOT RATED
- Year:
- 2010
- 65 min
- 774 Views
[cheers and applause]
CEILING FANS.
SOMEBODY'S TELLING ME SOME STUFF
"YOU'RE GONNA NEED TWO FORMS OF
I.D.
WE NEED YOUR BIRTH CERTIFICATE."
AND A CEILING FAN'S BEHIND
THE HEAD.
THAT."
DOING, DOING, DOING.
[laughter]
SO ANYWAY, SO I DECIDED NOT TO
THAT'S WHAT I'M REALLY TRYING TO
TELL YOU HERE.
NO, I DID.
I KIND OF CAME TO THIS EPIPHANY.
I'M LIKE, "MAN, I'M 41 YEARS
OLD.
LIFE HERE."
SO I WAS, LIKE, GOING, "YOU KNOW
WHAT?
AND IT WAS, LIKE, THE MIDDLE OF
OCTOBER, AND I WAS LIKE, "WAIT A
MINUTE.
WHAT ABOUT HALLOWEEN?"
KNOW WHAT?
[bleep] THIS.
I'M GETTING A PUMPKIN," RIGHT?
I CAN'T BE JUST LIKE, "YOU KNOW
WHAT?
HEY, LET'S GET A PUMPKIN."
IT'S GOT TO BE, "YOU KNOW WHAT?
[bleep] THIS.
LET'S GET A PUMPKIN."
[laughter]
THAT'S WHAT I STARTED THINKING.
KIDS.
BE, HUH?
OH, YEAH?
FULL-SIZE SNICKERS, BAM.
WHO DOES THAT?
WHO DOES THAT?
NOBODY, NOBODY.
WITH MY CANDY, HUH?
AC/DC PUMPKIN.
YOU HAVEN'T RIGHT?
YOU TELL ALL YOUR FRIENDS WHERE
SIDE?
THAT'S HEAVY.
YOU'LL BE LIKE DUMBBELLS, WALK
THIS IS HOW MUCH OF A MANIAC I
AM.
DO YOU KNOW--THIS IS ALL TRUE.
IT TOOK ME FOUR TRIPS TO GO TO
THE SUPERMARKET TO FINALLY BE
WOULD WALK IN THERE TO GET IT,
I'D BE THINKING ALL THESE HAPPY
THOUGHTS.
GIRLFRIEND TOGETHER.
THIS IS A VERY LOVING THING TO
DO."
AND I REACH OUT AND GRAB IT, AND
HEAD IS, "WHAT ARE YOU, A
[bleep]."
AND THEN IMMEDIATELY, I HAD TO
GUYS.
REMOTELY SENSITIVE,
HEARTWARMING, ANYTHING THAT'S
GONNA MAKE YOU MORE OF A LOVING,
CARING INDIVIDUAL, IMMEDIATELY,
ALL YOUR GUY FRIENDS SUGGES THAT MAYBE, JUST MAYBE, YOU WAN TO SUCK A [bleep].
OH, IT'S BRUTAL.
EVEN IF YOU DO SOMETHING SMART,
WHAT A [bleep].
OH, MY GOD.
WATER?
[bleep].
JESUS CHRIST.
OH, IT'S BRUTAL.
SENSE.
"YOU CARVED A PUMPKIN?
WHAT DO YOU DO NEXT, CARVE SOME
WHAT A [bleep].
SCARECROW?
OH, IT'S BRUTAL.
"DUDE, WHAT ARE YOU, A [bleep]"
IS THE REASON WHY GUYS DROP A 55 OUT OF [bleep] NOWHERE.
IT'S LITERALLY FROM FIVE DECADES
OF JUST SUPPRESSING THE URGE TO,
COOKIE.
YOU'VE JUST GOT TO KEEP PUSHING
IT DOWN LIKE, "[bleep] THEM.
ALL RIGHT?
YEAH.
[cheers and applause]
DAY--ONE DAY, YOU'RE IN A
DENNY'S, AND THEY FORGET TO PU BANANAS IN YOUR PANCAKES.
YOU JUST HAVE, LIKE, AN
OFF THAT STICKY TABLE, AND THE
LAST THING YOU HEAR BEFORE I ALL GOES BLACK IS YOUR FRIENDS
PANCAKES.
WHAT A [bleep].
OH, MY GOD.
IT WASN'T SWEET ENOUGH WITH THE
SYRUP, YOU FAIRY?
WHOLE AND SHOVE IT UP HIS ASS,
RIGHT?
DICK, RIGHT?
YEAH, I THOUGHT IT, AND THEN I
SAID IT.
I'M AWESOME.
YEAH."
OH, IT'S A HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE
YOU CAN'T--YOU'RE JUST DYING
EVERY DAY.
JUST EVERY DUMB THING THAT YOU
CAN DO AS A GUY,
SHORTEN YOUR LIFE MAKES YOU MORE
OF A MAN.
"DUDE, YOU COLD?"
YOU CAN'T ADMIT IT.
"NO, I'M NOT COLD.
DUDE, I'M NOT COLD.
I'M JUST THINKING OF SOMETHING I
[laughter]
NO.
KIDS.
I DON'T.
I THINK IT'S IRRESPONSIBLE TO BE
A COMPLETE MANIAC, NOT WORK ON
YOURSELF, AND THEN JUST HAVE A
KID, AND THEN JUST STAR DOWNLOADING ALL YOUR [bleep]
WITH YOUR LITTLE--YOUR LITTLE
MANIFESTOS.
THEY'RE FREAKING OUT OTHER KIDS
AT SCHOOL.
"TWO PLUS TWO, TIMMY.
WHAT DID YOU GET?"
"DADDY KEEPS CASH IN THE WALLS,
BECAUSE HE DOESN'T TRUST BANKS."
[laughter]
YEAH.
NO, IT'S EMBARRASSING
TO KNOW THIS LITTLE ABOU YOURSELF AT MY AGE, MAN.
LIKE, DO YOU KNOW HOW I FINALLY
ENDED UP GETTING THAT PUMPKIN?
GIRLFRIEND DOWN TO THE
SUPERMARKET, AND I HAD TO WALK
HER BY THE PUMPKINS, BECAUSE I
DID.
THE SECOND SHE SAW THEM, SHE WAS
JUST LIKE, "OH, MY GOD, A
PUMPKIN.
HALLOWEEN'S COMING UP.
OH, MY GOD, LET'S GE A PUMPKIN."
SHE STARTS DOING, LIKE, THIS
HAD THIS UNBELIEVABLE URGE JUS TO TAKE HER HEAD AND JUS [bleep] MUSH IT RIGHT INTO THE
PUMPKINS AND REALLY HOLD I THERE FOR A SECOND, LIKE, FEEL
HEAD AS THE AIR BUBBLES BECAME,
LIKE, LESS AND LESS FREQUEN AS SHE SAT THERE CONTEMPLATING,
I ALWAYS ENVISIONED BEING
SURROUNDED BY LOVED ONES LOOKING
BACK ON ACHIEVEMENTS.
IT'S SO ORANGE."
[laughter]
NO, I RESENTED HER.
I RESENTED THE FACT SHE GETS TO
BE A [bleep].
SHE DOES.
"OH, MY GOD."
RIGHT?
SEES A LITTLE PUPPY.
"IT'S SO CUTE."
THAT [bleep], SLOWLY DYING
INSIDE.
WHAT DO I DO?
SHE'S CRYING.
I'VE GOT TO THINK OF SOME FUNNY
[bleep].
"AH, WHAT IF SOMEBODY KICKS SEAN
AH-HA-HA."
I START LAUGHING.
TIME LIKE THIS?"
BECAUSE I'M NOT [bleep] ALLOWED.
THAT'S RIGHT.
THAT'S RIGHT.
THANK YOU, SIR.
I LIKE HOW YOU'RE TURNING THIS
DOWN HERE.
"THAT'S RIGHT.
THAT'S EXACTLY IT.
WAS WATCHING LIFETIME, BUT, YOU
KNOW, I WAS NEVER ALLOWED TO."
EVERYBODY.
THAT'S, LIKE, THE BIG THING.
YES, I DID.
I'M PSYCHED.
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"Bill Burr: Let It Go" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 19 Dec. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/bill_burr:_let_it_go_4087>.
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