Bill Burr: Let It Go Page #3

Synopsis: Stand-up comedian Bill Burr's 2010 comedy special.
Director(s): Shannon Hartman
Actors: Bill Burr
 
IMDB:
8.3
NOT RATED
Year:
2010
65 min
774 Views


[cheers and applause]

YOU KNOW WHAT GETS ME?

CEILING FANS.

SOMEBODY'S TELLING ME SOME STUFF

I DON'T WANT TO DO.

"YOU'RE GONNA NEED TWO FORMS OF

I.D.

WE NEED YOUR BIRTH CERTIFICATE."

AND A CEILING FAN'S BEHIND

THE HEAD.

I'LL BE, "I'LL GET RIGHT ON

THAT."

DOING, DOING, DOING.

[laughter]

SO ANYWAY, SO I DECIDED NOT TO

GO HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS.

THAT'S WHAT I'M REALLY TRYING TO

TELL YOU HERE.

NO, I DID.

I KIND OF CAME TO THIS EPIPHANY.

I'M LIKE, "MAN, I'M 41 YEARS

OLD.

MY DAD HAD FIVE KIDS BY THE

TIME HE WAS MY AGE.

I'VE GOT TO GET ON WITH MY

LIFE HERE."

SO I WAS, LIKE, GOING, "YOU KNOW

WHAT?

I'M NOT WORKING THANKSGIVING.

I'M NOT WORKING CHRISTMAS.

I'M NOT WORKING NEW YEAR'S."

AND IT WAS, LIKE, THE MIDDLE OF

OCTOBER, AND I WAS LIKE, "WAIT A

MINUTE.

WHAT ABOUT HALLOWEEN?"

THEN MY BRAIN WAS LIKE, "YOU

KNOW WHAT?

[bleep] THIS.

I'M GETTING A PUMPKIN," RIGHT?

THAT'S HOW ANGRY MY BRAIN IS.

I CAN'T BE JUST LIKE, "YOU KNOW

WHAT?

HEY, LET'S GET A PUMPKIN."

IT'S GOT TO BE, "YOU KNOW WHAT?

[bleep] THIS.

LET'S GET A PUMPKIN."

[laughter]

THAT'S WHAT I STARTED THINKING.

I'M CARVING THAT [bleep].

I'M HANDING OUT CANDY TO THE

KIDS.

I'M MEETING THEM AT THE DOOR.

HEY, WHAT ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO

BE, HUH?

OH, YEAH?

FULL-SIZE SNICKERS, BAM.

WHO DOES THAT?

WHO DOES THAT?

NOBODY, NOBODY.

I WILL BREAK YOUR [bleep] BAG

WITH MY CANDY, HUH?

AC/DC PUMPKIN.

YOU EVER SEEN THAT BEFORE?

YOU HAVEN'T RIGHT?

YOU TELL ALL YOUR FRIENDS WHERE

YOU SEEN THAT [bleep].

WHAT ARE YOU, LEANED TO ONE

SIDE?

THAT'S HEAVY.

HERE'S ANOTHER CANDY BAR.

YOU'LL BE LIKE DUMBBELLS, WALK

RIGHT DOWN THE STAIRS.

THIS IS HOW MUCH OF A MANIAC I

AM.

DO YOU KNOW--THIS IS ALL TRUE.

IT TOOK ME FOUR TRIPS TO GO TO

THE SUPERMARKET TO FINALLY BE

ABLE TO BUY THIS GODDAMNED

PUMPKIN, BECAUSE EVERY TIME I

WOULD WALK IN THERE TO GET IT,

I'D BE THINKING ALL THESE HAPPY

THOUGHTS.

"THIS IS A GREAT THING.

I'M EMBRACING THE HOLIDAYS.

IT'S GONNA BRING ME AND MY

GIRLFRIEND TOGETHER.

THIS IS A VERY LOVING THING TO

DO."

AND I REACH OUT AND GRAB IT, AND

ALL I HEAR IN THE BACK OF MY

HEAD IS, "WHAT ARE YOU, A

[bleep]."

AND THEN IMMEDIATELY, I HAD TO

TURN AROUND AND WALK OUT.

THIS IS HOW IT WORKS WITH

GUYS.

ANY TIME YOU DO ANYTHING

REMOTELY SENSITIVE,

HEARTWARMING, ANYTHING THAT'S

GONNA MAKE YOU MORE OF A LOVING,

CARING INDIVIDUAL, IMMEDIATELY,

ALL YOUR GUY FRIENDS SUGGES THAT MAYBE, JUST MAYBE, YOU WAN TO SUCK A [bleep].

OH, IT'S BRUTAL.

EVEN IF YOU DO SOMETHING SMART,

RIGHT, LIKE IT'S RAINING OUT.

"HE'S GOT AN UMBRELLA.

WHAT A [bleep].

OH, MY GOD.

WHAT, ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE

WATER?

PUT YOUR SHOULDERS UP, YOU

[bleep].

JESUS CHRIST.

WHAT, DID YOU PULL THAT THING

OUT OF YOUR ASS?"

OH, IT'S BRUTAL.

IT DOESN'T EVEN HAVE TO MAKE

SENSE.

"YOU CARVED A PUMPKIN?

WHAT DO YOU DO NEXT, CARVE SOME

GUYS ASS WITH YOUR [bleep]?

WHAT A [bleep].

WHAT, ARE YOU GONNA BLOW A

SCARECROW?

DUDE, GET AWAY FROM ME WITH

YOUR GAY LITTLE PUMPKIN."

OH, IT'S BRUTAL.

"DUDE, WHAT ARE YOU, A [bleep]"

IS THE REASON WHY GUYS DROP A 55 OUT OF [bleep] NOWHERE.

IT'S LITERALLY FROM FIVE DECADES

OF JUST SUPPRESSING THE URGE TO,

LIKE, HUG A PUPPY, ADMIT A

BABY'S CUTE, SAY YOU WANT A

COOKIE.

YOU'VE JUST GOT TO KEEP PUSHING

IT DOWN LIKE, "[bleep] THEM.

I'M NOT SUCKING [bleep].

I'M NOT SUCKING [bleep]."

ALL RIGHT?

YEAH.

[cheers and applause]

NO, NO, NO, NO, AND THEN ONE

DAY--ONE DAY, YOU'RE IN A

DENNY'S, AND THEY FORGET TO PU BANANAS IN YOUR PANCAKES.

YOU JUST HAVE, LIKE, AN

ANEURISM, AND YOUR HEAD SLAMS

OFF THAT STICKY TABLE, AND THE

LAST THING YOU HEAR BEFORE I ALL GOES BLACK IS YOUR FRIENDS

GO, "HE GOT BANANAS IN HIS

PANCAKES.

WHAT A [bleep].

OH, MY GOD.

IT WASN'T SWEET ENOUGH WITH THE

SYRUP, YOU FAIRY?

HEY, BRING ANOTHER ONE OVER

WHOLE AND SHOVE IT UP HIS ASS,

RIGHT?

YEAH, 'CAUSE IT LOOKS LIKE A

DICK, RIGHT?

IT LOOKS LIKE A DICK.

YEAH, I THOUGHT IT, AND THEN I

SAID IT.

I'M AWESOME.

YEAH."

OH, IT'S A HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE

WAY TO LIVE YOUR LIFE.

YOU CAN'T--YOU'RE JUST DYING

EVERY DAY.

JUST EVERY DUMB THING THAT YOU

CAN DO AS A GUY,

ANY STUPID THING THAT'S GONNA

SHORTEN YOUR LIFE MAKES YOU MORE

OF A MAN.

[bleep] ZERO DEGREES OUT.

YOU DON'T HAVE A COAT ON.

"DUDE, YOU COLD?"

YOU CAN'T ADMIT IT.

"NO, I'M NOT COLD.

DUDE, I'M NOT COLD.

I'M JUST THINKING OF SOMETHING I

REALLY AGREE WITH," YOU KNOW.

[laughter]

NO.

I'M TRYING TO LET GO OF THIS

BALL OF HATE IN MY CHEST.

THAT'S WHY I DON'T HAVE ANY

KIDS.

I DON'T.

I THINK IT'S IRRESPONSIBLE TO BE

A COMPLETE MANIAC, NOT WORK ON

YOURSELF, AND THEN JUST HAVE A

KID, AND THEN JUST STAR DOWNLOADING ALL YOUR [bleep]

THOUGHTS ONTO THEIR PRISTINE

LITTLE HARD DRIVE, YOU KNOW?

YOU SEND THEM OFF TO SCHOOL

WITH YOUR LITTLE--YOUR LITTLE

MANIFESTOS.

THEY'RE FREAKING OUT OTHER KIDS

AT SCHOOL.

"TWO PLUS TWO, TIMMY.

WHAT DID YOU GET?"

"DADDY KEEPS CASH IN THE WALLS,

BECAUSE HE DOESN'T TRUST BANKS."

[laughter]

YEAH.

NO, IT'S EMBARRASSING

TO KNOW THIS LITTLE ABOU YOURSELF AT MY AGE, MAN.

I'VE GOT TO GET BEYOND--

LIKE, DO YOU KNOW HOW I FINALLY

ENDED UP GETTING THAT PUMPKIN?

YOU KNOW HOW I DID IT?

I ACTUALLY HAD TO BRING MY

GIRLFRIEND DOWN TO THE

SUPERMARKET, AND I HAD TO WALK

HER BY THE PUMPKINS, BECAUSE I

KNEW THE SECOND I DID IT, SHE

WAS GONNA FREAK OUT, AND SHE

DID.

THE SECOND SHE SAW THEM, SHE WAS

JUST LIKE, "OH, MY GOD, A

PUMPKIN.

HALLOWEEN'S COMING UP.

WE SHOULD GET A PUMPKIN.

OH, MY GOD, LET'S GE A PUMPKIN."

SHE STARTS DOING, LIKE, THIS

LITTLE PUMPKIN DANCE, AND I

HAD THIS UNBELIEVABLE URGE JUS TO TAKE HER HEAD AND JUS [bleep] MUSH IT RIGHT INTO THE

PUMPKINS AND REALLY HOLD I THERE FOR A SECOND, LIKE, FEEL

THE PANIC IN THE BACK OF HER

HEAD AS THE AIR BUBBLES BECAME,

LIKE, LESS AND LESS FREQUEN AS SHE SAT THERE CONTEMPLATING,

"IS THIS HOW IT'S GONNA END,

PUMPKIN SEEDS UP MY NOSE?

I ALWAYS ENVISIONED BEING

SURROUNDED BY LOVED ONES LOOKING

BACK ON ACHIEVEMENTS.

IT'S SO ORANGE."

[laughter]

NO, I RESENTED HER.

I RESENTED THE FACT SHE GETS TO

BE A [bleep].

SHE DOES.

SHE GETS TO SEE PUMPKINS.

"OH, MY GOD."

RIGHT?

SEES A LITTLE PUPPY.

"IT'S SO CUTE."

CRIES AT SAD MOVIES.

I'VE GOT TO HOLD ON TO ALL OF

THAT [bleep], SLOWLY DYING

INSIDE.

GO OUT TO GO SEE A SAD MOVIE,

COMES TO THE SAD PART.

WHAT DO I DO?

SHE'S CRYING.

I'VE GOT TO THINK OF SOME FUNNY

[bleep].

"AH, WHAT IF SOMEBODY KICKS SEAN

PENN IN THE BALLS RIGHT NOW?

AH-HA-HA."

I START LAUGHING.

AND THEN THEY GET MAD AT YOU.

"HOW COULD YOU LAUGH DURING A

TIME LIKE THIS?"

BECAUSE I'M NOT [bleep] ALLOWED.

THAT'S RIGHT.

THAT'S RIGHT.

THANK YOU, SIR.

I LIKE HOW YOU'RE TURNING THIS

INTO A TOWN MEETING, THIS GUY

DOWN HERE.

"THAT'S RIGHT.

THAT'S EXACTLY IT.

I ALWAYS WANTED TO CRY WHEN I

WAS WATCHING LIFETIME, BUT, YOU

KNOW, I WAS NEVER ALLOWED TO."

I GOT A DOG RECENTLY,

EVERYBODY.

THAT'S, LIKE, THE BIG THING.

YES, I DID.

I'M PSYCHED.

I WENT DOWN TO THE POUND.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes

Bill Burr

William Frederic Burr (born June 10, 1968) is an American stand-up comedian, actor, writer, podcaster and social critic. He has released six stand-up specials. Outside of stand-up, he is known for hosting the Monday Morning Podcast, as regular cast member of Chappelle's Show, playing Patrick Kuby in the AMC crime drama series Breaking Bad, and creating and starring in the Netflix animated sitcom F Is for Family. Burr also co-founded the All Things Comedy network. In 2017, Rolling Stone ranked him 17th on its list of the 50 best stand-up comics of all time. more…

All Bill Burr scripts | Bill Burr Scripts

0 fans

Submitted on August 05, 2018

Discuss this script with the community:

0 Comments

    Translation

    Translate and read this script in other languages:

    Select another language:

    • - Select -
    • 简体中文 (Chinese - Simplified)
    • 繁體中文 (Chinese - Traditional)
    • Español (Spanish)
    • Esperanto (Esperanto)
    • 日本語 (Japanese)
    • Português (Portuguese)
    • Deutsch (German)
    • العربية (Arabic)
    • Français (French)
    • Русский (Russian)
    • ಕನ್ನಡ (Kannada)
    • 한국어 (Korean)
    • עברית (Hebrew)
    • Gaeilge (Irish)
    • Українська (Ukrainian)
    • اردو (Urdu)
    • Magyar (Hungarian)
    • मानक हिन्दी (Hindi)
    • Indonesia (Indonesian)
    • Italiano (Italian)
    • தமிழ் (Tamil)
    • Türkçe (Turkish)
    • తెలుగు (Telugu)
    • ภาษาไทย (Thai)
    • Tiếng Việt (Vietnamese)
    • Čeština (Czech)
    • Polski (Polish)
    • Bahasa Indonesia (Indonesian)
    • Românește (Romanian)
    • Nederlands (Dutch)
    • Ελληνικά (Greek)
    • Latinum (Latin)
    • Svenska (Swedish)
    • Dansk (Danish)
    • Suomi (Finnish)
    • فارسی (Persian)
    • ייִדיש (Yiddish)
    • հայերեն (Armenian)
    • Norsk (Norwegian)
    • English (English)

    Citation

    Use the citation below to add this screenplay to your bibliography:

    Style:MLAChicagoAPA

    "Bill Burr: Let It Go" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 19 Dec. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/bill_burr:_let_it_go_4087>.

    We need you!

    Help us build the largest writers community and scripts collection on the web!

    Watch the movie trailer

    Bill Burr: Let It Go

    The Studio:

    ScreenWriting Tool

    Write your screenplay and focus on the story with many helpful features.


    Quiz

    Are you a screenwriting master?

    »
    What is a "script doctor"?
    A A writer hired to revise or rewrite parts of a screenplay
    B A writer who edits the final cut
    C A writer who creates original scripts
    D A writer who directs the film