Bill Burr: Let It Go Page #4

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I GOT ONE OF THOSE FREE DOGS,

FREE DOG.

THAT'S HOW I SAY IT TOO.

I DON'T SAY, "I RESCUED A DOG."

I HATE WHEN PEOPLE SAY THA STUFF.

THEY SAY, "SHE'S A RESCUE.

I RESCUED HER."

REALLY?

DID YOU PULL HER OUT OF A

BURNING BUILDING?"

[laughter]

"DID YOU JUMP IN A RIVER WITH

YOUR WING TIPS STILL ON WITH NO

CONCERN FOR YOUR OWN SAFETY,

OR DID YOU JUST GO DOWN TO THE

POUND AND GET A FREE DOG, YOU

CHEAP [bleep]?

ISN'T THAT WHAT YOU DID?"

[laughter and applause]

I ACTUALLY--I DID NOT WANT TO

GET A RESCUE DOG.

I DID NOT WANT TO DO THAT.

MY GIRL WAS ALL ABOUT IT.

SHE WAS LIKE, "WE SHOULD RESCUE

A DOG.

DO YOU WANT TO RESCUE A DOG?"

I'M LIKE, "NO, NO, I DON'T."

SHE'S LIKE, "WHY NOT?

I GO, "BECAUSE I THINK A LOT OF

THE DOGS DOWN AT THE POUND MIGH BE A LITTLE [bleep] IN THE

HEAD.

YOU EVER THOUGHT ABOUT THAT?"

DUDE, THE SHELTER IS NOT A PE STORE.

THAT IS LIKE SHAWSHANK FOR A

GOLDEN RETRIEVER.

WHY DON'T WE JUST GO DOWN TO THE

PRISON AND RESCUE AN INMATE AND

JUST ROLL THE DICE THAT MAYBE

THE GUY WAS WRONGLY CONVICTED?

ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?

[bleep] THAT.

I WANT A BRAND-NEW 2009 BULLDOG,

ALL RIGHT?

I DON'T WANT SOME 1995

HALF-A-LABRADOR WITH PART OF ITS

EAR CHEWED OFF, YOU KNOW?

I'VE GOT TO PUT TOGETHER ITS

BACKSTORY.

EVERY TIME I GO TO USE THE

TOASTER, IT STARTS FREAKING OUT,

BECAUSE HIS LAST OWNER HUNG HIM

FROM THE CEILING FAN EVERY TIME

THE JETS DIDN'T COVER THE OVER,

YOU KNOW?

DUDE, THAT'S AN ANIMAL, MAN.

THAT THING CAN KILL YOU.

DUDE, A RABID SQUIRREL,

HOW FAST A SQUIRREL IS.

IF I WAS WALKING HOME AT NIGH MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS, BUT ALL

OF A SUDDEN, SOME SQUIRREL

STARTING RUNNING AT ME, BY THE

TIME I PROCESS LIKE, "IS THAT A

RAT?

IS THAT MECHANICAL?"

THAT DUDE WOULD BE UP MY LEG

TAKING CHUNKS OUT OF THE SIDE OF

MY HEAD.

I'D HAVE TO TELL THAT STORY FOR

THE REST OF MY LIFE IN A BAR.

"DUDE, WHAT HAPPENED TO THE SIDE

OF YOUR HEAD?"

"A [bleep] SQUIRREL, ALL RIGHT?

CHRIST, YOU DON'T THINK I'M

SENSITIVE?"

NO, I'M NOT TRYING TO SAY ALL

THOSE DOGS ARE BAD DOWN THERE,

BUT WHAT IF I ACCIDENTALLY GE ONE OF THOSE CUJOS OR OLD

YELLERS, RIGHT?

I'M TELLING YOU, THEY LOVE DOGS

DOWN THERE SO MUCH, YOU'VE GO TO WATCH OUT WHAT THEY TELL YOU.

I WAS DOWN THERE.

THERE WAS THIS ONE DOG.

THIS THING WAS STARING AT ME SO

GODDAMNED HARD, MANIAC-LOOKING

DOG.

I'M LIKE, "WHAT'S UP WITH THIS

DOG?"

SHE WAS JUST LIKE, "OH, HE WAS

CHAINED TO PALLETTE IN A

JUNKYARD HIS ENTIRE LIFE."

AND I'M LIKE, "DOES IT HAVE

ANY ISSUES?"

SHE'S LIKE, "HE'S A LITTLE

AGGRESSIVE."

[laughter]

IT'S LIKE, "WELL, WERE YOU GONNA

TELL ME THAT [bleep].

WERE YOU JUST GONNA THROWN IT IN

MY HATCHBACK AND LET ME FIGURE

IT OUT ON THE RIDE HOME?"

[laughter]

THE THING'S PULLING OUT A

SHARPENED TOOTHBRUSH TO STICK IN

MY NECK.

[laughter]

NO, THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING.

WHAT IF I ACCIDENTALLY GET ONE

OF THOSE CRAZY DOGS,

I GET UP AT 2:
00 IN THE MORNING

TO TAKE A LEAK, AND THAT IS THE

EXACT MOMENT ITS PREVIOUS OWNER

USED TO COME HOME [bleep]FACED,

BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF THE DOG?

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M SETTING

OFF.

I'M SITTING THERE SHUFFLING

ALONG IN MY SLIPPERS, TYING MY

ROBE.

MEANWHILE, THE DOG'S GETTING ALL

AMPED UP LIKE, "[bleep] THIS

[bleep], MAN.

I PROMISED MYSELF I WOULDN' LET THIS HAPPEN AGAIN.

IT'S TIME TO MAN-UP.

LET'S DO THIS ON THREE.

ONE, TWO, THREE."

AUGH!

IT COMES FLYING AT ME.

I'M GONNA BE LAYING IN THE

GROUND IN A POOL OF MY OWN

BLOOD.

WHAT ARE THEY GONNA DO WITH THE

DOG?

THEY'RE GONNA TAKE HIM RIGH BACK DOWN TO THE POUND LIKE SOME

SORT OF REPEAT OFFENDER.

YOU'RE GONNA SEE HIM ON THE

NEWS IN, LIKE, SHACKLES, LIKE,

SHUFFLING ALONG.

"WE KNEW YOU'D BE BACK."

"YEAH, GET ME A MILK-BONE.

GO [bleep] YOURSELF."

YOU'RE GONNA WHEEL HIM IN LIKE

HANNIBAL LECTER WITH THAT LAMP

SHADE AROUND HIS NECK.

"AHH, AHH, AH-AH-AH-AHH."

[laughter]

YEAH, SO WE HAVE, LIKE, THIS

STALEMATE, YOU KNOW.

I WANTED THE BRAND-NEW BULLDOG,

YOU KNOW, AND SHE KEPT SEEING

THAT SARAH MCLAUGHLIN

COMMERCIAL, GETTING ALL SAD, YOU

KNOW?

OH, THEY OUGHT TO GET SUED FOR

FALSE ADVERTISEMENT IN THA THING.

I SWEAR TO GOD.

THEY HANDPICKED THOSE DOGS, THE

CUTEST LITTLE FUZZY...

"I JUST WANT TO PLAY FRISBEE,"

THOSE CUTE LITTLE, INNOCEN LITTLE DR. SEUSS-LOOKING DOGS.

WHERE ARE THE PIT BULLS?

WHERE ARE THE ROTTWEILERS?

WHERE ARE THOSE MANIACS YOU SEE

LIFTING WEIGHTS DOWN AT THE

SHELTER?

[laughter]

THEY'VE GOT THE SADDEST-LOOKING

DOGS EVER, AND SHE'S WHINING

OVER THE TOP OF THEM.

IN THE ARMS OF AN ANGEL

WHOO-WHOO-WHOOO, BOO-BOO-BOO

THOSE DOGS ARE LOOKING ALL SAD

AT THE CAMERA.

[laughter]

"MY LAST OWNER WASN'T A NICE

PERSON."

THE MOST RIDICULOUS BANDAGES,

LIKE THEY WERE IN SAVING PRIVATE

RYAN,

THAT THREE STOOGES RABBIT EAR.

"I HAVE A TOOTHACHE."

DID SHEMP OWN THAT DOG?

WHAT HAPPENED?

I LOVE THAT WHEN IT'S ALL

WRAPPED UP LIKE A MUMMY.

IT'S LIKE, HOW?

WHAT, DID IT GET HIT BY A

CANNONBALL DURING A CIVIL WAR

REENACTMENT?

DID A TYRANNOSAURUS PICK IT UP?

"AHH-AHH-AHH, POOF,"

SPIT IT OUT.

MY FAVORITE ONE IS THA ONE-EYED PUG.

OH, THERE'S A GREAT DOG.

YEAH, BRING THAT OVER TO THE

KIDS.

I'M SURE THAT WON'T FREAK THEM

OUT AT ALL.

"MOMMY, DID YOU GET US A DOG?"

"ARRGH, ARRGH."

"JUST LET HIM SNIFF YOU.

JUST LET HIM SNIFF YOU.

DO NOT APPROACH HIM FROM THE

RIGHT.

DO NOT APPROACH HIM FROM THE

RIGHT.

JUST LET HIM SNIFF YOU.

COME AROUND.

IT BECOMES AN ENTIRELY DIFFEREN ANIMAL WHEN YOU DO THAT.

JUST KNOW YOU COME FROM--COME

FROM THE LEFT.

HIS NAME IS POOKY.

WE'RE GONNA CALL HIM POOKY NOW."

[laughter]

SO SHE WAS INTO THAT.

I WANTED TO GET THE BULLDOG.

THAT WAS MY THING.

I WAS, LIKE, I WANTED TO GET THE

BULLDOG, BUT THEN I STARTED

RESEARCHING ON THE BULLDOGS.

THEY'VE GOT ALL THESE HEALTH

PROBLEMS, MAN.

FROM DAY ONE, THEY CAN'T EVEN

BREATHE.

THEY COME OUT INTO THE WORLD.

IT'S LIKE THEY'VE BEEN WORKING

WITH ASBESTOS THEIR ENTIRE LIFE,

YOU KNOW?

IT'S UNBELIEVABLE.

THEY CAN'T EVEN BREATHE.

YOU'VE GOT TO HAVE THEM SLEEPING

UPRIGHT IN THIS LA-Z-BOY RUBBING

VICKS VAPORUB ON THEIR CHEST.

THEY'VE GOT, LIKE, SLEEP APNEA.

THEY DIE NINE TIMES EVERY NIGHT.

WHY DON'T I JUST RESCUE A

RETIRED OFFENSIVE LINEMAN WHILE

I'M AT IT?

"YEAH, THIS IS JIM JEFFCOAT.

WE'RE GONNA CALL HIM LARRY

FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE

FOR SOME STUPID REASON."

DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO, SO WE

WERE AT A STALEMATE, SO MY GIRL

DID WHAT MOST FEMALES DO.

THEY JUST FIGURE, "I KNOW IT'S

GOOD FOR HIM.

I KNOW IT'S GONNA MAKE HIM

HAPPY.

I'M GONNA MAKE A MAJOR DECISION

WITHOUT HIM, AND THEN HE'S GONNA

DEAL WITH IT."

YEAH, THAT'S HOW I GOT A DOG.

I GOT A DOG WHEN I WAS ON THE

ROAD.

I WAS ON THE ROAD, AND I JUS HAD A MESSAGE ON MY MACHINE.

IT WAS JUST, "BOOP,"

AND IT WAS HER, AND SHE'S JUS LIKE, "UM, OKAY, UM, I DID

SOMETHING, UM, KIND OF INVOLVES

BOTH OF US, BUT I THINK YOU'RE

GONNA LOVE IT.

JUST GIVE ME A CALL.

OKAY, BYE."

NOW, DOES THAT SOUND LIKE, "I

JUST SIGNED YOU UP FOR A 12- TO

15-YEAR COMMITMENT"?

THAT DOESN'T SOUND LIKE THAT,

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