
Bill Burr: Let It Go Page #5
- NOT RATED
- Year:
- 2010
- 65 min
- 774 Views
RIGHT?
NEW OUTFIT, AND I'M GONNA DRAG
YOU TO SOME AWFUL RESTAURAN DURING A PLAY-OFF GAME," RIGHT?
SHE TELLS ME SHE WENT OUT, AND
SHE GOT A DOG.
YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE, "YOU GOT A
RESCUE DOG?"
KEEP IT, YOU CAN."
SO I GO, "LET ME SEE IT,"
SO WE STARTED SKYPEING, AND
SHE PANS AROUND.
SHE GOT A PIT BULL.
I SWEAR TO GOD.
SHE GOT--I'M LIKE, "YOU GOT A
PIT BULL.
MIND?
YOU GOT A PIT BULL?"
SHE GOES, "IT'S NOT A PIT BULL.
IT'S A MIX."
MIXED WITH WHAT, ANOTHER PI BULL?
LOOK AT THAT THING.
PULL-UPS ITS ENTIRE LIFE."
IT'S FRONT PAWS WERE STILL TAPED
UP.
IT'S, LIKE, SHADOWBOXING IN THE
BACKGROUND.
IT'S BEEN P90XIN'.
IT'S A PIT BULL.
JESUS CHRIST.
AND SHE SAYS, LIKE, "NO, HE'S
SWEET."
SHE SAID, "NO, SHE'S ADORABLE,"
AND ALL THIS STUFF.
OH, THIS IS THE WORST PART.
I WASN'T GETTING HOME FOR THREE
DAYS, YOU KNOW,
AND SHE'S ALL WRAPPED UP IN THIS
DOG, YOU KNOW, AND I'M LIKE, "I
DON'T GET HOME FOR THREE DAYS.
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I GET HOME ON
WORK?"
SHE GOES, "WELL, I JUST FIGURED
I'D DRIVE TO WORK, AND YOU COULD
JUST COME HOME TO THE APARTMEN AND MEET THE DOG THAT WAY."
I'M LIKE, "ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR
MIND?
I'M NOT COMING HOME TO THAT.
THAT DOG IS BONDING WITH YOU.
IT THINKS YOU GUYS LIVE THERE.
HAVE MY CALF RIPPED OFF BECAUSE
I'M TRYING TO SHOW MY NAME ON
THE PHONE BILL?
NO, IT'S NOT GOING DOWN LIKE
THAT."
SO SHE'S LIKE, "WELL, WHAT DO I
DO?"
YOU PUT IT IN THE GODDAMNED CAR,
DRIVE IT TO WORK.
PARK IN THE SHADE.
DO WHATEVER YOU'VE GOT TO DO.
I'M COMING HOME TO A SAFE HOUSE,
AND THEN YOU DRIVE HOME WITH THE
DOG.
CALL ME WHEN YOU'RE A HALF-MILE
AWAY.
I'LL MEET YOU AND CUJO DOWN IN
THE DRIVEWAY.
WE WILL ALL WALK IN TOGETHER.
I WILL BE IN THE FRONT TO SHOW
THAT I AM THE PACK LEADER,
BECAUSE I WATCHED HALF AN
AND I THINK THAT THAT'S WHA YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DO,
I THINK.
I DON'T KNOW.
OH, IT'S ALL TRUE, RIGHT?
SO I GO DOWN TO THE DRIVEWAY,
AND I SEE THE DOG.
IT'S A BEAUTIFUL DOG.
IT'S LITERALLY, LIKE, WALKING
LIKE IT'S SNEAKING INTO
SOMETHING.
AND I'M LIKE, "OKAY, HERE WE
GO," TURNING MY BACK ON A PI BULL THAT I DON'T EVEN KNOW
THAT TURNS OUT THEY DIDN'T GE IT TO SHELTER.
THEY FOUND IT BY THE L.A. RIVER.
FOR TWO WEEKS, AND MY GIRL'S
RESPONSE TO THAT WAS LIKE,
"ISN'T THAT SAD?"
"NO, IT'S [bleep] SCARY."
"WHY IS IT SCARY?"
"WELL, OBVIOUSLY, IT GOT ENOUGH
PROTEIN, SO IT WASN'T EATING
BERRIES OUT THERE.
THAT THING WAS CHOKING OU COYOTES, YOU KNOW,
BREAKING THE NECKS OF SQUIRRELS.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT WAS DOING,
BUT IT DEFINITELY WAS--YOU
BROUGHT A MURDERER INTO THE
HOUSE.
WHY DON'T YOU JUST RESCUE AN
ALLIGATOR WHILE YOU'RE AT I JUST TO ADD TO THE EXCITEMENT?"
SO WE GET THE DOG IN THE DAMN
HOUSE, AND IT'S EXACTLY WHAT I
THOUGHT WAS GONNA HAPPEN.
THE DOG'S SITTING THERE LOOKING
AT HER, AND THEN IT'S LOOKING A ME AND THEN LOOKING AT HER
LIKE, "WHO THE HELL'S THE NEW
GUY," RIGHT?
THE NEW GUY IS THE GUY PAYING
THE [bleep] RENT, AND I WAS
GETTING NO RESPECT, SO I WAS
JUST LIKE, RIGHT THERE, I WAS
JUST LIKE, "I KNOW WHAT SHE'S
DOING.
I KNOW WHAT SHE'S DOING.
SHE'S BRINGING THIS DOG HOME,
BECAUSE SHE THINKS I'M GONNA
FALL FOR IT, AND THEN WE'LL JUS HAVE THE DOG."
AND IT'S JUST, LIKE, I LOVE
ANIMALS, OKAY, BUT I'M NOT GONNA
LIVE WITH ONE THAT CAN [bleep]
KILL ME, YOU KNOW?
RESCUE A CHIHUAHUA, SO WHEN I FLIPS OUT BECAUSE I GRABBED THE
REMOTE TOO QUICKLY, I CAN FLICK
IT OFF THE GODDAMNED TABLE OR
SOMETHING, YOU KNOW?
WE GOT IT FOR A WEEK, AND THEN
JUST SHUT DOWN EMOTIONALLY.
I WAS LIKE, "[bleep] THIS DOG."
THE FIRST TWO DAYS, I DIDN' GIVE A [bleep], YOU KNOW.
THE DOG'S SITTING THERE LOOKING
JUST LIKE, JESUS CHRIST,
RIGHT, YOU KNOW?
THEN ON WEDNESDAY, I DON'T KNOW
WHAT HAPPENED.
BIT, YOU KNOW?
NO, I WAS WATCHING TV, YOU KNOW.
I ALWAYS TALK TO MYSELF.
I FEEL LIKE A MANIAC.
I FINALLY HAD SOMEBODY TO BOUNCE
MY IDEAS OFF.
IT WAS KIND OF NICE,
SITTING THERE ON TV,
BANKERS STEAL A TRILLION
BONUS--AND THEY GET A BONUS?"
THE DOG'S SITTING THERE LOOKING
AT ME, YOU KNOW.
[laughter]
BUT I'M FIGHTING IT.
"GOD DAMN IT.
I THINK I LIKE THIS DOG A LITTLE
BIT," YOU KNOW?
OUT, YOU KNOW?
"HOW DO YOU GET THESE MUSCLES?
WHAT DO YOU DO FOR THESE,
A WHEEL CRANK?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"
[laughter]
AND THEN BY THURSDAY, YOU KNOW,
I'M WALKING THE DOG, AND I'M
LIKE, "GOD DAMN IT.
I THINK I LOVE THIS DOG.
THIS IS [bleep]."
YOU KNOW, I DON'T KNOW IF YOU
YOU OWE TO YOUR LIFE AT SOME
POINT IN YOUR LIFE TO WALK A PI BULL DOWN THE STREET.
I'M TELLING YOU, IT'S THE
GREATEST EXPERIENCE EVER.
PEOPLE JUST GET THE [bleep] OU OF THE WAY.
[laughter]
IT'S UNREAL.
THREE, FOUR BLOCKS AWAY, THEY
SEE ME COMING.
THEY JUST IMMEDIATELY CROSS THE
STREET.
IT'S TREMENDOUS.
I DON'T KNOW WHY BLACK PEOPLE
COMPLAIN ABOUT THAT.
I LOVE HAVING THE WHOLE SIDE OF
IT'S GREAT.
I FEEL LIKE A KING.
OH, IT'S AWESOME.
IT'S LIKE A GUN YOU CAN PET.
IT'S THE ONLY WAY TO DESCRIBE
IT.
IT'S AWESOME.
SOMETHING.
JUST GET IN BETTER SHAPE.
SO THEN BY FRIDAY--I MEAN, BY
FRIDAY, THE DOG WAS LITERALLY
MESSING UP MY RELATIONSHIP.
MY POOR GIRL IS SITTING ON THE
COUCH BY HERSELF.
I'M SITTING THERE SPOONING WITH
THE DOG.
THIS DOG IS AWESOME.
WATCH ME GET HER LEG GOING.
WATCH ME GET HER LEG GOING."
I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.
IN FOUR DAYS, I WENT FROM
"[bleep] THIS DOG," TO,
"OH, MY GOD.
THIS THING IS GONNA DIE SOMEDAY.
HOW AM I EMOTIONALLY GONNA BE
ABLE TO DEAL WITH IT?"
OH, I LOVE IT, ABSOLUTELY.
I CARRY IT AROUND LIKE A BABY.
OH, IT'S THE GREATEST THING
EVER.
YOU COME HOME.
IT'S SHAKING HIS TAIL.
IT'S ALL EXCITED, LIKE, "DUDE,
YOU'RE [bleep] AWESOME," YOU
KNOW?
IT'S LIKE, "DUDE, YOU HAVE NO
IDEA HOW MUCH I NEED THAT," YOU
KNOW?
IT'S TREMENDOUS, AND YOU CAN' APPRECIATE HOW AWESOME A DOG IS
AS A KID.
YOU CAN ONLY DO IT AS AN ADULT.
AS A KID, THERE'S, LIKE, NO
FRAME OF REFERENCE.
IT'S, LIKE, YOU'RE A KID.
IT'S AWESOME, RIGHT?
KID?
YOU HAD NO MONEY.
YOU HAD NO I.D., NO CELL PHONE,
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"Bill Burr: Let It Go" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 19 Dec. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/bill_burr:_let_it_go_4087>.
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