Bill Burr: Let It Go Page #5

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RIGHT?

THAT SOUNDS LIKE, "I BOUGHT A

NEW OUTFIT, AND I'M GONNA DRAG

YOU TO SOME AWFUL RESTAURAN DURING A PLAY-OFF GAME," RIGHT?

THAT'S WHAT IT FELT LIKE, SO

I'M READY FOR THAT ARGUMENT.

SHE TELLS ME SHE WENT OUT, AND

SHE GOT A DOG.

NOW, HALF OF ME ISN'T UPSET,

YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE, "YOU GOT A

RESCUE DOG?"

"YEAH, WE HAVE IT FOR A WEEK,

AND, YOU KNOW, IF YOU WANT TO

KEEP IT, YOU CAN."

SO I GO, "LET ME SEE IT,"

SO WE STARTED SKYPEING, AND

SHE PANS AROUND.

YOU KNOW WHAT SHE GOT?

SHE GOT A PIT BULL.

I SWEAR TO GOD.

SHE GOT--I'M LIKE, "YOU GOT A

PIT BULL.

ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR [bleep]

MIND?

YOU GOT A PIT BULL?"

SHE GOES, "IT'S NOT A PIT BULL.

IT'S A MIX."

MIXED WITH WHAT, ANOTHER PI BULL?

LOOK AT THAT THING.

IT LOOKS LIKE IT'S BEEN DOING

PULL-UPS ITS ENTIRE LIFE."

IT'S FRONT PAWS WERE STILL TAPED

UP.

IT'S, LIKE, SHADOWBOXING IN THE

BACKGROUND.

IT'S BEEN P90XIN'.

IT'S A PIT BULL.

JESUS CHRIST.

AND SHE SAYS, LIKE, "NO, HE'S

SWEET."

SHE SAID, "NO, SHE'S ADORABLE,"

AND ALL THIS STUFF.

OH, THIS IS THE WORST PART.

I WASN'T GETTING HOME FOR THREE

DAYS, YOU KNOW,

AND SHE'S ALL WRAPPED UP IN THIS

DOG, YOU KNOW, AND I'M LIKE, "I

DON'T GET HOME FOR THREE DAYS.

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I GET HOME ON

MONDAY AND YOU HAVE TO GO TO

WORK?"

SHE GOES, "WELL, I JUST FIGURED

I'D DRIVE TO WORK, AND YOU COULD

JUST COME HOME TO THE APARTMEN AND MEET THE DOG THAT WAY."

I'M LIKE, "ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR

MIND?

I'M NOT COMING HOME TO THAT.

THAT DOG IS BONDING WITH YOU.

IT THINKS YOU GUYS LIVE THERE.

I'M GONNA COME WALKING IN AND

HAVE MY CALF RIPPED OFF BECAUSE

I'M TRYING TO SHOW MY NAME ON

THE PHONE BILL?

NO, IT'S NOT GOING DOWN LIKE

THAT."

SO SHE'S LIKE, "WELL, WHAT DO I

DO?"

"I'LL TELL YOU WHAT YOU DO.

YOU TAKE THAT HELL HOUND,

YOU PUT IT IN THE GODDAMNED CAR,

DRIVE IT TO WORK.

PARK IN THE SHADE.

DO WHATEVER YOU'VE GOT TO DO.

I'M COMING HOME TO A SAFE HOUSE,

AND THEN YOU DRIVE HOME WITH THE

DOG.

CALL ME WHEN YOU'RE A HALF-MILE

AWAY.

I'LL MEET YOU AND CUJO DOWN IN

THE DRIVEWAY.

WE WILL ALL WALK IN TOGETHER.

I WILL BE IN THE FRONT TO SHOW

THAT I AM THE PACK LEADER,

BECAUSE I WATCHED HALF AN

EPISODE OF THE DOG WHISPERER,

AND I THINK THAT THAT'S WHA YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DO,

I THINK.

I DON'T KNOW.

OH, IT'S ALL TRUE, RIGHT?

SO I GO DOWN TO THE DRIVEWAY,

AND I SEE THE DOG.

IT'S A BEAUTIFUL DOG.

IT'S LITERALLY, LIKE, WALKING

LIKE A MARINE OR SOME [bleep]

LIKE IT'S SNEAKING INTO

SOMETHING.

AND I'M LIKE, "OKAY, HERE WE

GO," TURNING MY BACK ON A PI BULL THAT I DON'T EVEN KNOW

THAT TURNS OUT THEY DIDN'T GE IT TO SHELTER.

THEY FOUND IT BY THE L.A. RIVER.

IT LIVED BY THE L.A. RIVER

FOR TWO WEEKS, AND MY GIRL'S

RESPONSE TO THAT WAS LIKE,

"ISN'T THAT SAD?"

"NO, IT'S [bleep] SCARY."

"WHY IS IT SCARY?"

"WELL, OBVIOUSLY, IT GOT ENOUGH

PROTEIN, SO IT WASN'T EATING

BERRIES OUT THERE.

THAT THING WAS CHOKING OU COYOTES, YOU KNOW,

BREAKING THE NECKS OF SQUIRRELS.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT WAS DOING,

BUT IT DEFINITELY WAS--YOU

BROUGHT A MURDERER INTO THE

HOUSE.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST RESCUE AN

ALLIGATOR WHILE YOU'RE AT I JUST TO ADD TO THE EXCITEMENT?"

SO WE GET THE DOG IN THE DAMN

HOUSE, AND IT'S EXACTLY WHAT I

THOUGHT WAS GONNA HAPPEN.

THE DOG'S SITTING THERE LOOKING

AT HER, AND THEN IT'S LOOKING A ME AND THEN LOOKING AT HER

LIKE, "WHO THE HELL'S THE NEW

GUY," RIGHT?

THE NEW GUY IS THE GUY PAYING

THE [bleep] RENT, AND I WAS

GETTING NO RESPECT, SO I WAS

JUST LIKE, RIGHT THERE, I WAS

JUST LIKE, "I KNOW WHAT SHE'S

DOING.

I KNOW WHAT SHE'S DOING.

SHE'S BRINGING THIS DOG HOME,

BECAUSE SHE THINKS I'M GONNA

FALL FOR IT, AND THEN WE'LL JUS HAVE THE DOG."

AND IT'S JUST, LIKE, I LOVE

ANIMALS, OKAY, BUT I'M NOT GONNA

LIVE WITH ONE THAT CAN [bleep]

KILL ME, YOU KNOW?

RESCUE A CHIHUAHUA, SO WHEN I FLIPS OUT BECAUSE I GRABBED THE

REMOTE TOO QUICKLY, I CAN FLICK

IT OFF THE GODDAMNED TABLE OR

SOMETHING, YOU KNOW?

SO THAT'S WHAT I WAS DOING.

WE GOT IT FOR A WEEK.

WE GOT IT FOR A WEEK, AND THEN

WE MAKE OUR DECISION, SO I

JUST SHUT DOWN EMOTIONALLY.

I WAS LIKE, "[bleep] THIS DOG."

THE FIRST TWO DAYS, I DIDN' GIVE A [bleep], YOU KNOW.

THE DOG'S SITTING THERE LOOKING

AT ME, YOU KNOW, AND I WAS

JUST LIKE, JESUS CHRIST,

RIGHT, YOU KNOW?

THEN ON WEDNESDAY, I DON'T KNOW

WHAT HAPPENED.

I STARTED TO LIKE IT A LITTLE

BIT, YOU KNOW?

NO, I WAS WATCHING TV, YOU KNOW.

I ALWAYS TALK TO MYSELF.

I'M ALWAYS HOME ALONE.

I FEEL LIKE A MANIAC.

I FINALLY HAD SOMEBODY TO BOUNCE

MY IDEAS OFF.

IT WAS KIND OF NICE,

SITTING THERE ON TV,

"YOU BELIEVE THESE GODDAMNED

BANKERS STEAL A TRILLION

DOLLARS, AND THEY GET A

BONUS--AND THEY GET A BONUS?"

THE DOG'S SITTING THERE LOOKING

AT ME, YOU KNOW.

[laughter]

BUT I'M FIGHTING IT.

"GOD DAMN IT.

I THINK I LIKE THIS DOG A LITTLE

BIT," YOU KNOW?

IT'S MAKING ME WANT TO WORK

OUT, YOU KNOW?

I ASKED IT A QUESTION.

"HOW DO YOU GET THESE MUSCLES?

WHAT DO YOU DO FOR THESE,

A WHEEL CRANK?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

[laughter]

AND THEN BY THURSDAY, YOU KNOW,

I'M GETTING OUT IN THE AIR.

I'M WALKING THE DOG, AND I'M

LIKE, "GOD DAMN IT.

I THINK I LOVE THIS DOG.

THIS IS [bleep]."

YOU KNOW, I DON'T KNOW IF YOU

EVER WALKED A PIT BULL.

YOU OWE TO YOUR LIFE AT SOME

POINT IN YOUR LIFE TO WALK A PI BULL DOWN THE STREET.

I'M TELLING YOU, IT'S THE

GREATEST EXPERIENCE EVER.

PEOPLE JUST GET THE [bleep] OU OF THE WAY.

[laughter]

IT'S UNREAL.

THREE, FOUR BLOCKS AWAY, THEY

SEE ME COMING.

THEY JUST IMMEDIATELY CROSS THE

STREET.

IT'S TREMENDOUS.

I DON'T KNOW WHY BLACK PEOPLE

COMPLAIN ABOUT THAT.

I LOVE HAVING THE WHOLE SIDE OF

THE STREET TO MYSELF.

IT'S GREAT.

I FEEL LIKE A KING.

OH, IT'S AWESOME.

IT'S THE GREATEST THING EVER.

PIT BULLS ARE THE [bleep].

IT'S LIKE A GUN YOU CAN PET.

IT'S THE ONLY WAY TO DESCRIBE

IT.

IT'S AWESOME.

THEY MAKE YOU WANT TO P90X OR

SOMETHING.

JUST GET IN BETTER SHAPE.

SO THEN BY FRIDAY--I MEAN, BY

FRIDAY, THE DOG WAS LITERALLY

MESSING UP MY RELATIONSHIP.

MY POOR GIRL IS SITTING ON THE

COUCH BY HERSELF.

I'M SITTING THERE SPOONING WITH

THE DOG.

"OH, THIS DOG IS AWESOME.

THIS DOG IS AWESOME.

WATCH ME GET HER LEG GOING.

WATCH ME GET HER LEG GOING."

I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.

IN FOUR DAYS, I WENT FROM

"[bleep] THIS DOG," TO,

"OH, MY GOD.

THIS THING IS GONNA DIE SOMEDAY.

HOW AM I EMOTIONALLY GONNA BE

ABLE TO DEAL WITH IT?"

OH, I LOVE IT, ABSOLUTELY.

I CARRY IT AROUND LIKE A BABY.

OH, IT'S THE GREATEST THING

EVER.

YOU COME HOME.

IT'S SHAKING HIS TAIL.

IT'S ALL EXCITED, LIKE, "DUDE,

YOU'RE [bleep] AWESOME," YOU

KNOW?

IT'S LIKE, "DUDE, YOU HAVE NO

IDEA HOW MUCH I NEED THAT," YOU

KNOW?

IT'S TREMENDOUS, AND YOU CAN' APPRECIATE HOW AWESOME A DOG IS

AS A KID.

YOU CAN ONLY DO IT AS AN ADULT.

AS A KID, THERE'S, LIKE, NO

FRAME OF REFERENCE.

IT'S, LIKE, YOU'RE A KID.

YOUR WHOLE LIFE IS AWESOME.

IT'S AWESOME, RIGHT?

YOU EVER THINK ABOUT BEING A

KID?

YOU HAD NO MONEY.

YOU HAD NO I.D., NO CELL PHONE,

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