Bill Hicks: Revelations Page #6

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- sorry fundamentalists - we were nothing but apes.

Probably too stupid to catch a cow, you know....

"I think we can go to the moon..."

That is exactly how it f***ing happened.

Except for the marketing people whose belief is:

"No, it was proven that uh it might be

a good market on the moon and, uh...

and a lot of people went up there,

good numbers, good space numbers..."

Save your story of creation, please...

Not all drugs are good, now. Okay?

Some of em are great.

Just gotta know your way around'em, that's all.

Yeah, I've had good times on drugs.

I've had bad times on drugs too...

I mean sh*t, look at this haircut.

There are dangers.

I think some of y'all have tripped

here before perhaps, yeah?

I used to love tripping, man. There's

always one guy when you're tripping

who wants you to do something to enhance

the trip. You know what I'm talking about?

"You're tripping? Oh duuude, you gotta play miniature golf."

Yeah, that's exactly what I was thinking, man.

I'm just sitting over here watching the

pyramids be built by UFOs right now, but...

...get me to that f***ing golf course.

I'm watching Jesus flying around on a

unicorn, but I bet that little miniature golf

would be just the thing to make this trip peak.

So you guys can use your legs, huh?

No, it's just that I'm turning into a fish right now,

and, uh, how 'bout I meet you there later?

Thanks, I'm pretty f***ing high right now.

Thank you.

You know. You just gotta be careful,

I don't know what you gotta be, f*** it.

We got pulled over tripping on acid one night,

pulled over by the cops. Don't recommend it.

Cops don't appreciate

fish driving around.

They frown on that.

Long night, man. Cops were tapping on this window.

We're staring at him in this mirror.

"How tall are you?"

"A liddle cop, look at him!"

"How does he drive that big f***ing car?"

"There could be thousands of them, sh*t!

What are we gonna do?"

"Let's put him in the jar."

Made perfect sense at that moment.

Put him in a jar, poke some holes in the lid,

leave him by the road.

"You'll never get us copper. Haha."

"We'll send some little firemen to let you out."

"Hey I bet they know where the miniature golf course is!"

"Boo! Haha.. F*** it, they scared us."

"Son, you wanna stand up please?"

"I just found the driver."

"We don't need a driver, we're playing miniature golf."

True story. Now, later, when I was released...

...I mean spiritually...I feel...

"- I need to see some ID.

- I'm me, he's him, you're you."

"Put your hands against the car please."

"Which one?"

"The UFO, the unicorn or your cruiser?"

Drugs have done good things for us,

if you don't believe they have, do me a favour

take all your albums, tapes and CDs

and burn'em 'cause you know what...?

the musicians who made that great music that

has enhanced your lives throughout the years?...

...rrreeeal f***ing high.

And these other musicians today who don't

do drugs and in fact speak out against them?...

...Boy, do they suck!

What a coincidence!

Ball-less, souless, spiritless corporate

little b*tches, suckers of Satan's cock,

each and every one of them.

"We're rock stars against drugs 'cause

that's what the President wants."

Aw, suck Satan's cock!

That's what we want isn't it,

government approved rock'n roll?

"Whooh, we're partying now!"

"We're rock stars who do Pepsi Cola commercials."

Suck Satan's cock. Put that big scaly pecker down your gullet.

Drink that black worm jizzum.

Drink it! Fill your little bellies.

"Send in Vanilla Ice."

"Hello Vanilla."

"Says here on your application, you have

no talent, and yet you want to be a star."

"I think something can be arranged."

"Whuh. Suck Satan's cock."

"I will lower the standards of the earth."

"I will put 56 channels of American Gladiators on every tv."

"I will put all the money in the hands of 14 year old girls."

"They will think you are charismatic, deep and edgy."

"Send in MC Hammer on your way out."

"Hello Hammer...

...Back again, huh?"

Boy, that Hammer. There was another boat that left me on the island, man.

"Bill, are you gonna get on the Hammer boat with us?"

"No, I'd rather stay here and eat my own flesh."

Totally mystifying.

I mean, you know you could sit and explain it

to me from now until, well, the end of time,

and I'll go, "F***ing don't get it, man."

I, It.. it's geni.. it's con, genital? it's uh genetic!.

Maybe it is genital, Hay, wait a minute. Freud, come here!

"Hammer's a great dancer."

Whaaat? The guy's gotta a sand crab in his knickers.

He's not dancing, he's having a fit!

That's Satan's sperm eating its way through the lining of his stomach.

"15 minutes almost up, Hammer!"

"Send in Marky Mark."

It's good for your voice.

Hey, don't f*** with me, man.

You know what I mean though, am I the only one who's f***ing lost here?

You never see positive drugs stories on the news, do ya. Isn't that weird?

'Cause most of the experiences I've had on drugs, were real f***ing positive.

Who are these morons they're finding that's what I wanna know.

I used to want to call the news:

"Come over to our house!"

"Watch Tommy's, he's a pig, film him!"

"He's been doing that for hours. He's killing us. You getting all that?"

You know what I mean. Always that same LSD story, you've all seen it.

"Young man on acid, thought he could fly,

jumped out of a building. What a tragedy."

What a dick, f*** him!

He's an idiot.

If he thought he could fly, why didn't he take off from the ground first?

Check it out. You don't see ducks lining up

to catch elevators to fly South.

They fly from the ground, you moron.

Quit ruining it for everybody.

He's a moron, he's dead, good.

We lost a moron, f***ing celebrate.

Boy I just felt the world get lighter - we lost a moron.

Put on the Hammer album, I'm ready to dance!

"We lost a moron."

I don't mean to sound cold or cruel or vicious,

but I am, so that's the way it comes out.

Professional help is being sought.

How about a positive LSD story?

Wouldn't that be news-worthy, just the once,

to base your decision on information rather than scare tactics

and superstition and lies?

Just once.

I think it would be news-worthy.

"Today, a young man on acid realised that all matter is merely energy condensed

to a slow vibration. That we are all one

consciousness experiencing itself subjectively.

There is no such thing as death, life is

only a dream and we're the imagination of ourselves."

"Here's Tom with the weather."

You've been fantastic and I hope you enjoyed it.

There is a point, is there a point to all of this?

Let's find a point.

Is there a point to my act? I would say there is.

I have to.

The world is like a ride in an amusement park.

And when you choose to go on it, you think it's real

because that's how powerful our minds are.

And the ride goes up and down and round and round.

It has thrills and chills and it's very brightly

coloured and it's very loud and it's fun, for a while.

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