Bill Hicks: Revelations Page #5

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Give me a break, Lord!

But I'm looking at your British hard-core pornography

which I just spent hard-core f***ing dollars for.

And I'm going, "something's wrong with this."

Goat Boy will figure it out!

I realise it's porno yeah just what we know and love,

but there's blue dots covering all the

good sh*t! Woah, whaaat's going on?

There's a guy standing there like this.

There's a woman kneeling, well... I believe she was like this.

And there's this big blue dot right here.

What the f***!

This comes off I hope.

What you gotta buy the blue dot eraser separately,

what the f***?

I'm an adult. Don' t protect me. Let's go!

Goat Boy wants his money back.

And then I see a club in the West end that has

this marquee sign, says "Live Sex Show On Stage".

I thought what a bummer actually have

to be the guy that holds the blue dot.

Alright

But what's weird is, that's your hard core porno,

then you go home, turn on Channel 4 late at night,

there's people f***ing yeah they're right there.

No blue dot, just people f***ing right

there. Free, no money, people f***ing.

It's a foreign film, it's art all of a sudden. Hey,

Everyone happy? There you go, it's art, godammit.

Alright, I see. You pay, you get ripped

off - free, you get it all. Dig it, love it!

I am available for children's parties by the way.

"Mommy, I want Goat Boy to come play at our house."

But, you know...

Pot, right.

They lie about marijuana. Tell you pot-smoking makes you unmotivated. Liiiiieee!

When you're high, you can do

everything you normally do, just as well,

you just realize, it's not worth the f***ing effort.

There is a difference.

Sure I can get up at dawn,

go to a job I hate, that does not inspire me creatively whatsoever,

for the rest of my f***ing life.

Or I can wake up at noon...

...and learn how to play the sitar!

Pretty simple when it's spelled out

in black and white isn't it?

Only thing I've ever heard about pot,

is that pot might lower sperm count.

Good!

There's too many f***ing people in the world.

Someone needs to say that, by the way.

Tired of this, "Hey aren't we the coolest. Humans are so neat."

Too many of you. Quit rutting, just for

a f***ing day. Let's work out this food/air deal.

Then go back to your rutting.

But I'll tell you this. Where's this idea that childbirth is a miracle came from?

I missed that f***ing meeting, okay?

"It's a miracle, childbirth is a miracle."

No it's not. No more than a miracle than

eating food and a turd coming out of your ass.

It's a chemical reaction, that's all it f***ing is.

If, you wanna know what a miracle is...

Raisin' a kid that doesn't talk in a movie theatre.

Okay, there, there, there is a goddam miracle!

It's not a miracle if every nine months

any yin yang in the world can drop a

litter of mewling cabbages on our planet.

And just in case you haven't seen

the single mom statistics lately,

the miracle is spreading like wild-fire.

"Hallelujah!" Trailer parks and council flats

all over the world just filling up with little miracles.

Like frogs laying eggs.

"Look at all my little miracles, thunk,

filling up my trailer like a sardine can.".

"You know what would be a real miracle,

if I could remember your daddy's name..."

"I guess I'll have to call you Lorry Driver Junior."

"That's all I remember about your daddy was

his fuzzy little pot-belly riding on top of me...

...shooting his caffeine ridden semen into my belly"

"to produce my little water-headed miracle baby"

"There's your brother, Pizza Boy Delivery Junior."

Hallelujah!

Hold on for a minute, let's figure

out this food/air deal okay? Okay.

I'm just weird, you know?

How about have a neat world for kids to come to?

Okay, it's me, f*** it!

Drop 'em like f***ing flies, boom,

just fill up the world with'em.

I just don't get it you know, I mean

I'm sorry man, you know kids are fine,

just keep em away from me. Alright there, alright.

Now get this, I've been travelling all over the country on British Air.

No smoking on British Air. Now let me get this straight, no smoking, right, but they allow children.

Little fairness?

"Well smoking bothers me."

Well guess what?

I was on this one flight right, I'm flying,

I'm sleeping on the plane, I'm f***ing "knackered".

Very tired, right, and I feel this tapping on my head.

And I look up and there's this little kid...

...loose! On the f***ing plane, he's just loose.

It's his playground in the sky.

And he has decided that his job...

...is to repetitively tap me on the top of the head.

I look across the aisle at his mom.

She's just smiling, you know...

Guy next to the mom goes, "They're

so cute when they're that small."

Isn't that amazing, letting your

kid run loose on a f***ing plane.

And then the kid runs over to the emergency exit

and he starts flipping that handle to the door.

And the guy next to the mom starts

to get up, and I go, "Wait a minute...

...we're about to learn an important lesson right here."

"Why you're right, the smaller he gets, the cuter he is."

God, I wish I had a camera right now.

With a telescopic lens.

Like to get a picture of his face

when his pudgy little legs hit that farmhouse down there.

Aah, aah, kids....

Stewardess, since we got a breeze in here, can we smoke now?

Fairly well circulated at this point.

True story. But, you know...

Why is marijuana against the law?

It grows naturally upon our planet.

Doesn't the idea of making nature against

the law seem to you a bit paranoid?

You know what I mean?

It's nature. How do you make nature against the f***ing law?

It grows everywhere, serves a thousand

different functions, all of them positive.

To make marijuana against the law,

is like saying God made a mistake.

You know what I mean, it's like God on

the seventh day looked down on his creation:

"There it is, my creation, perfect and

holy in all ways. Now, I can rest."

"Oh my me."

"I left f***ing pot everywhere."

"I should never have smoked that joint on the third day...

...sh*t."

"That was the day I created possums.

Still gives me a chuckle."

"If I leave pot everywhere...

...that's gonna give humans the impression

they're supposed to...'use' it."

"Now I have to create Republicans."

And God wept. I believe is the next verse.

You know what I mean? I believe that God left

certain drugs growing naturally upon our planet

to help speed up and facilitate our evolution.

Okay, not the most popular idea ever expressed.

Either that or you're real high and agreeing with me

in the only way you can right now.

"I forgot the code, is it two blinks yes, one blink no?"

Do you think magic mushrooms growing atop cow sh*t was an accident?

Where do you think the phrase, "that's good sh*t" came from?

Why do you think Hindus

think cows are holy?

Holy sh*t!

Why do I think McDonalds is the Anti-Christ?

That's God little accelerator pad for our evolution.

Let's think about this, man. For billions of years

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