Bill Hicks: Revelations Page #4

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A lot of people are feeling that indignation.

We've done research - huge market.

He's doing a good thing."

Godammit, I'm not doing that, you scum-bags!

Quit putting a godamm dollar sign

on every f***ing thing on this planet!

"Ooh, the anger dollar. Huge. Huge in times of recession.

Giant market, Bill's very bright to do that."

God, I'm just caught in a f***ing web.

"Ooh the trapped dollar, big dollar, huge dollar.

Good market - look at our research.

We see that many people feel trapped.

If we play to that and then separate

them into the trapped dollar..."

How do you live like that? And I bet you sleep

like f***ing babies at night, don't you?

"What you did tonight honey?" - "Oh, we made...ah... we made...ah...arsenic a childhood food now, goodnight."

"Yeah, we just said, you know: is

your baby really too loud? you know...

Yeah... the mums will love it."

Sleep like f***ing children, don't ya,

this is your world isn't it?

But, you know, I saw this movie this year

called, last year called, uh...'Basic Instinct'.

Okay now. Bill's quick capsule review:

Piece-of-Sh*t.

Okay now. Yeah, yeah, end of story by the way.

Don't get caught up in that fevered hype phoney

f***ing debate about that Piece-of-Sh*t movie.

"Is it too sexist, and what about

the movies, are they becoming too..."

You're, you're just confused, you don't get,

you've forgotten how to judge correctly.

Take a deep breath huuh, look at it again.

"Oh it's a Piece-of-Sh*t!"

Exactly, that's all it is.

Satan squatted, let out a loaf,

they put a f***ing title on it, put it on a marquee,

Satan's sh*t, piece of sh*t, walk away.

"But is it too...?

what about the lesbian connotat...?"

You're, you're getting really baffled here. Piece-of-Sh*t!

Now walk away. That's all it is, it's nothing more!

Free yourself folks, if you see it,

Piece-of-Sh*t, say it and walk away.

You're right! You're right!

Not those f***ers who want to tell you

how to think! You're f***ing right!

Sorry, wrong meeting again.

I keep getting my days mixed up.

Tomorrow, it's the meeting at the docks.

Tonight it's comedy entertainment with young Bill.

Horrible film...

And then I come to find out after that film,

that all of the lesbian sex scenes,

let me repeat that, all...

...all the lesbian sex scenes were cut out of that film,

because the test audience was turned off by them.

Boy, is my thumb not on the pulse of America.

I don't want to seem like Randy Pan, the Goat Boy,

but...uh...that was the only reason

I went to that piece of sh*t.

If I had been in that test audience,

the only one out front, protesting that film, would have been

Michael Douglas, demanding his part be put back in, alright?

"I swear I was in that movie. I swear I was."

"Gee Mike, the movie started.

Sharon Stone was eating another woman

for an hour and a half.

Then the credits rolled.

I...uh...I don't remember seeing

your scrawny ass, Mike."

"Was Bill Hicks in that test audience?"

Goat boy called it like he saw it Mikey.

You made your 14 mill, now hit the f***ing road.

Goat boy has invited some people over

to see the video premiere...

...of the Goat-Boy Edited Version.

I am Goat boy.

"What do you want, Goat Boy?

You big old smelly, shaggy thing?"

Goat Boy is here to please you.

"How?"

Tie me to your headboard,

throw your legs over my shoulders

and let me wear you like a feed-bag

Hold onto my horns.

"Goat-Booooy!"

Yes, my love?

"You're a big old smelly thing."

I need professional help at this point

I think I need a priest at this point.

- "Forgive me Father for I have sinned."

- "What have you done my son?"

- Well, I said the word 'f***' gratuitously.

- Yes and what else, my son?

- I lied.

- Yes and what else my son?

- That's about all, oh, oh, one thing,

I keep thinking I'm a randy goat,

f***ing everyone."

Unless of course it's a woman priest,

in which case it'll go like this:

"Forgive me Father for what I'm about to do."

People ask me what I think about

that woman priest thing, you know?

What, a woman priest?

Women priests. Great, great.

Now there's priests of both sexes I don't listen to.

F***, I don't care.

Have a hermaphrodite one.

I don't f***ing care.

Have one with three d*cks and eight titties.

I don't , I don't...

Have one with gills and a trunk.

That would be cool.

I might go see that, you know, but...

You know, I appreciate your quaint traditions and superstitions.

I on the other hand am an evolved being

who deals solely with the source of life,

which exists in all of our hearts.

That middle man thing, it's wacky and I appreciate it...

Gotta run, there's a voice callin' me.

Now you guys are totally weird sexually. Here's why.

Oh yeah, coming from Goat Boy, oh boy.

"Yes Bill, and how is that?"

"That we have human sex? Does that bother you Bill?"

"Goat Boy finds that disgusting. Where is the fun in that?"

Goat Boy loves young girls.

"Hi Goat Boy you big old smelly thing.

Ooh you smell like an old boot.

- I don't see you running away.

- I'm not scared of you...

Besides, your eyes are really kind and peaceful."

Except for that fire that burns real far deep inside of 'em."

"Oh Goat Boy, what's that?"

"That is my purple wand, and my hairy sack of magic."

"You do tricks?"

"What can you do with that?"

"Goat Boy can make a bell ring in your stomach"

"What does that bell mean?"

- It calls Goat Boy to dinner.

- Goat Boy, aargh!"

"Okay Bill, stop with the Goat boy thing, we get it alright."

"It's kinda amusing but let's... okay."

You don't like Goat boy?

Goat boy is hurt by your indifference.

He wanted you to come dance with him in the pastures.

Goat Boy wants to string flowers through

your hair, and on your head.

- "Why do you like young girls Goat Boy?

- Because you are beautiful.

There's nothing between your legs,

it's like a wisp of cotton candy framing a paper cut.

And turn you around and open your cheeks,

it's like a little pink quivering rabbit nostril.

Oh how cute!

I bet your a**hole tastes better than

most girls' pussies. Come here.

Goat Boooy...!"

"Shaggy old thing. I'm not going to kiss you,

I don't know where your mouth's been."

Do you want me to tell you?

"Okay Bill, seriously, the Goat Boy thing,

it's getting weird."

Except for some of my goat children.

"Mooore, Faaather, mooore, more Goat Boy, Faather."

"We are your goat children. We too lay in

the forest waiting for young virgins to come."

But you guys are weird, get this:

I'm walking down through the West End

one day, right, and this bus-load of tourists

from Iowa gets off the bus. Big cow people, right?

Bump into me and I go flying into this adult bookstore.

And my hands were in my pockets and I

took em out and money flew out of my hands

and wafted down onto the cash register

and this guy hands me a magazine.

How embarrassing. I go home immediately

to the hotel and throw it away.

Toward the garbage, it breaks open, face up on the bed.

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