Billy Liar Page #2

waiting to go in there.

It's not natural

to keep a wardrobe locked up.

- A lad of your age!

- Well, it's my wardrobe.

Who paid for it?

It's our wardrobe.

Get it unlocked and leave it unlocked,

if you don't mind.

If it isn't unlocked when I get back,

I'll smash the bloody thing open.

Oh, flaming calendars!

'It's a good heart that says no ill

but a better heart that thinks none. '

I don't think.

'Those who bring sunshine

into the lives of others

'cannot keep it from themselves. '

Did you spend the postage money?

Was that the size of it?

'You were given these calendars

to post last Christmas.

'All right, Billy boy, on your feet.

'William Terence Fisher,

I have a warrant for your arrest

'on the charge that you did,

willfully and knowingly,

'misappropriate 270 calendars,

'the property of your employers,

Messrs Shadrack & Duxbury... '

Well, Fisher,

you've certainly earned

your remission.

You've used your time well.

This is the finest expose

of prison life I've ever read.

Thank you, sir.

I think you'll get your reforms now.

A great many MPs are on our side.

Not only MPs, Fisher.

- From us all.

- Thank you.

Good bye.

- Been nice knowing you.

- Bye.

Welcome home, Billy.

- Come on, lad. Come on.

- All right.

- Aren't you ready yet?

- Just a minute.

You'll never get to work

at this rate, never mind London.

You'll set off one of these days

and meet yourself coming back.

- Just off, Mother.

- Don't hurry yourself.

'It's five to ten. '

Er, actually, I've just been thinking.

I might as well give me notice in today

if I'm going to London.

You want to make up your mind

what you do want to do.

Well... work for Danny Boon.

How do you know? You've never

done that sort of thing before.

You can't switch and change

and swap about

just when you feel like it.

- You've got your living to earn now.

- You worry too much.

Ta-ra, Gran. Ta-ra, Mum.

'An Ashanti tribesman

had a small son. '

- Good morning, Billy.

- Oh, good morning.

'If I can get to the end of the street

without opening me eyes,

'everything will be all right. '

You do know

that's the late Mr. Parkin in there?

We don't want a recurrence

of last week's fiasco, do we?

- Have you checked the oil at all?

- I have.

Extraordinary time to come to work.

I'm sorry, Mr. Shadrack,

only I spilt hot water down me arm.

I've been to the doctor's.

Must be going-home time.

Fisher's here.

- How long has Bighead been here?

- All night, I should think.

- Where did you say you'd been?

- To the doctor's.

- To the doctor's?

- To the doctor's.

- Kindly tell these good people why.

- I don't like the look of my wife.

I wish I'd come with you.

I hate the sight of mine.

Ha, ha, ha!

- Haven't you got work to do?

- Yes, Mr. Shadrack.

I'm trying to run

an up-to-date organisation here.

Far too much laxity.

Oh, Stamp,

I'd like to see your ashes list.

Watch it.

He's been going through all the books.

- He's in a terrible temper.

- Is he?

- Has he balanced the petty cash yet?

- I don't know.

- How much have you fiddled?

- Shut your head.

He thinks postage money

is part of his wages.

I've got something unpleasant

to say to Mr. Shadrack today.

You've got something

unpleasant to say?

- Anything I say would be unpleasant.

- Kindly leave the undertakers.

I'm giving in my notice today.

- You are?

- Wonderful comedian!

Shadrack and Duxbury,

funeral furnishers.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, madam.

When shall we call for him?

Shadrack to funeral fleet.

Shadrack to funeral fleet.

'Are you receiving me? Over. '

Receiving you loud and clear. Over.

State your position, please.

State your position. Over.

We're just turning into Sheepgate

from the memorial.

Traffic at Coal Lane junction

is holding us up. Over.

'Suggest you divert cortge.

'Repeat:
suggest you divert cortege

down new bypass.

'Acknowledge, please. '

Message received.

Roger and out.

Come on, shift.

Any doctor's papers

amongst all this rubbish?

Hey, what are writing

to Godfrey Winn for?

Shut up.

Oh, it's not him. It's his mother.

'Housewives' Choice"?

Hey!

"Dear sir, could you play

"Just a Song at Twilight" for me?

- "It is my favourite song".

- Do you bloody mind?

Sorry, love. Is that the Midland Hotel?

Reception, please.

"My husband used to sing it to me

when we were a little bit younger".

- I bet!

- Get it off him.

- Come on, Stamp.

- No, no. Listen to this bit.

"My son also writes songs,

"but there's not much chance for him

as he has not had the training.

"We are just ordinary folk".

Signed:
A Fisher, Mrs.

Come on.

Well, I'm not ordinary folk,

even if she is.

Hello, reception?

Could I speak to Mr. Boon, please?

Danny Boon.

Will you tell him it's Mr. Fisher?

- I've got that job.

- You haven't.

Scriptwriter. I start next week.

You jammy devil.

How much is he paying you?

We haven't discussed terms yet

but it's more than I'm getting here.

I'm sorry. Mr. Boon's not taking

any calls at the moment.

Oh, Mr. Boon?

Fisher this end.

Oh, very well, thank you.

How are you?

Oh, that's marvellous, yes.

I don't want

to bother you at the moment,

but I was wondering,

would three o'clock be a good time

for me to come and see you?

Oh, good.

Yes, I'll bring some of my material.

Er, the Nell Gwynn suite, is it?

Yes, I thought so.

Oh, that's marvellous.

Look forward to seeing you then.

Fine. Bye.

- And success!

- Good morning.

It's all right.

It's only me mother.

I brought the key.

I shall be out this afternoon.

What did you want

to come here for?

Could have got in the window.

You're not getting in

through no window.

How's your father, Billy?

Is he still in hospital?

Er, yes, yes.

He's quite comfortable, though.

What does the specialist say

about his leg?

It might have to come off

but they haven't seen the X-rays.

- There's still a good chance.

- Oh. How's your sister?

- Oh, fine, fine.

- What bloody sister?

"How's your sister?"

"Oh, she's very well".

"How's your husband?

Is he still on the buses?"

"Yes, he's still on the buses".

'April is the cruelest month.

A smile can make it better.

'It takes 60 muscles to frown,

but only 13 to smile: June.

'Kindness in another's troubles,

courage in your own: August.

'Think all you speak

but speak not all you think: December. '

'Speak all you think

but think not all you speak. '

'Speak all you speak

but speak not all you think!'

- Just a minute!

- Come on.

- Are you writing out your will?

- Naff off, Stamp.

Hey, no writing mucky words

on the wall.

Look, get lost, will you?

Bet you're reading a mucky book.

Bet you are,

reading a mucky book.

"His hand caressed her silken knee".

Haven't you any work to do, Stamp?

Waiting to go into the toilet,

Mr. Shadrack.

Some of you

spend too much time down here.

Far too much time.

Better go up to the office.

I've got to go out.

Is that you, Mr. Shadrack?

Is that you, Mr. Shadrack?

Yes. There's someone

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