Billy Liar Page #5

don't you?

Oh, poor pet.

Why am I making you ill?

Surely you've heard of,

well, of repressions.

The nervous reactions

of a man who's not...

I know what you mean, pet,

but we must be patient.

- We'd only regret it.

- Just have one more energy tablet.

No, thank you.

I'm going to have an orange.

"I'm going to have.. ".

You and your bloody oranges!

I'm sorry, darling.

I've had a terrible morning.

- I've come about a ring.

- Oh, yes.

Engagement ring,

brought in for alterations.

- What name is it, madam?

- It should be under Fisher.

- Fisher. Just a moment.

- Oh, my name is Corrigan.

Corrigan. Just a moment.

Fisher, Corrigan. Fisher, Corrigan.

- Got a Farmer.

- No, no, Fisher, Fisher.

- Hey, what was that?

- Where?

- At the bottom.

- That's Cor... Corcoran.

Anyway, that's a cuckoo clock.

When did it come in?

On Wednesday, I think.

So he said.

- Er, darling.

- Mmm?

Are you still coming

for tea tomorrow?

Oh, of course.

Oh, well, if you are,

there are some things we've got

to get cleared up and implemented.

What things?

You know I've got a fairly vivid

imagination, don't you, darling?

Well, you have to have

if you're going to be a scriptwriter.

Quite. Well, being a scriptwriter,

I'm perhaps at times a bit inclined

to let my imagination

run away with me,

as you know.

Well, you don't mean

you've been telling me lies?

Well, not lies, exactly.

But I suppose I've been, you know,

exaggerating some things a bit,

being a scriptwriter.

For instance, there's that business

about me father,

him getting danger money

on a petrol tanker.

- He's not on a petrol tanker?

- He wasn't even in the navy.

- What was he, then?

- He was a conscientious object...

No, he wasn't anything. He wasn't fit.

He has trouble with his knee.

Oh.

Well, how many other lies

have you been telling me?

- Er, me sister.

- So you haven't got a sister?

Well, I did have, but she's dead.

If you're still coming

for your tea tomorrow,

they never talk about her.

I'm...

just not good enough for you,

you know, Barbara.

If you want to give me

that engagement ring back,

I'll understand.

I forgive you, pet.

But promise me one thing.

That I'll never lie to you again?

I'll never lie to you again.

Never. I promise.

Billy, are we going dancing tonight?

Billy, are we going dancing tonight,

to the Roxy?

Don't say anything.

There's Arthur's mother.

Good afternoon.

Good afternoon, Mrs. Crabtree.

I don't think you've met my sister.

Sheila, Mrs. Crabtree.

Don't you try and be clever

with me, young man.

I happen to know Barbara

very well indeed!

Well,

I'm catching a bus, actually.

But, Billy!

I should watch him.

'There's Jane Wildeblood

just coming up to the last fence.

'I'm afraid she's down there.

She was completely unseated. '

They build them fences too high.

They tumble down.

'Of course, she will be penalised,

and that does spoil her chances... '

Is that our Billy?

His old raincoat's been

in the bathroom all morning.

And if it isn't our Billy,

where's his old raincoat been, then?

Don't you be so cheeky!

And what time do you call this?

27 minutes, 13 seconds past two.

- I've had a very eventful morning.

- And don't pick!

You seem to think

I've nothing to do but cook.

Well, you get no dinner.

I've finished cooking for one day.

You ought to start coming home

instead of gadding about town.

- Good afternoon, Father.

- I've not sat down all morning.

If I'm not sick...

I'm doing this for you.

Do you realise that?

You've got Barbara coming for tea

but you won't do anything.

You've no consideration.

She sounds such a nice girl,

this Barbara.

Go and answer that bell.

You're idle and scruffy

and you have no manners.

What are manners?

If that's what they learnt him

at grammar school,

thank God I'm bloody ignorant.

- Ah, confession!

- Don't you be so cheeky!

- You!

- Hello, Rita. Just a minute.

- Who is it, Billy?

- Just a minute.

Speak all you think

and all you speak, speak.

You rotten, lying, cross-eyed git!

You're nothing else!

Hello, Rita. Sorry I can't ask you in.

We're having our chimney swept.

They'll be having you swept

before I finish.

It might interest you to know

I have been down to that jeweler's

and they have never heard of you

or that flaming ring.

- You must've gone to the wrong shop.

- I went to the right shop.

- Henderson's in Bridge Street.

- That's funny.

Did you see Mr. McMichael?

I saw the fellow behind the counter!

You should have asked

Mr. McMichael in the workshop.

He's my godfather.

He's doing it privately.

You are rotten to me, Billy.

It's true. Ask me dad

if you don't believe me.

That's me Uncle Ernest,

my dear old Uncle Ernest.

Oh, I don't know

where I am with you, Billy.

We're supposed to be engaged!

- You said you didn't want to marry me.

- I did not!

I said I wasn't going to live

in a rotten cottage in rotten Devon.

I want that ring back tonight!

That's just it. I've got to stay in

to play Monopoly with Uncle Ernest.

- It's his birthday.

- Oh, Monopoly!

I'll tell you what you're doing tonight.

You're taking me to the Roxy.

I'll see you outside at seven.

And don't you be late, right?

Listen, Barbara...

I mean, Rita!

Oh, hell.

- Afternoon.

- Afternoon.

Hey, come here, you.

Who's she supposed to be?

- Oh, just a friend.

- Is that the one that's coming to tea?

- No, that's Barbara.

- Well, who's this one, then?

Just a friend.

She was just passing.

She's gone to see her Uncle Ernest.

He lives up on that new estate.

They're all new houses up there.

- I thought you were getting engaged.

- Some has two bedrooms...

You can't carry on messing about

with one lass after another.

- I realise that, Dad. I said...

- Why couldn't you wait for a bit?

Some has bathrooms upstairs

and some has them downstairs.

I don't believe in interfering,

but either bloody get engaged

or don't bloody bother.

But don't come to me

and say I tried to stop you.

It's not that simple, Dad.

I haven't really decided yet.

You couldn't do worse

than me and your mother.

When we started, we hadn't

two ha'pennies to rub together.

I told her,

"You don't get married till you're 21

- Well, we had to manage.

- It's not a question of managing.

I haven't made me mind up yet.

You want to make your mind up

before she makes it up for you.

- If I go to London...

- When your mum was 21, I said,

- "You can do as you like.. ".

- Just a minute, Grandma.

- Just a minute!

- Then I said...

For God's sake, belt up!

You, what?

- What did you say?

- I merely remarked...

Talk properly when you talk to me!

What did you say to your grandmother?

Ignorant, that's what you are!

Hey, look out, Geoffrey.

That's shirt's clean.

- I'll clean-shirt him in a minute!

- Leave him alone.

Him and his fountain pens

and bloody suede shoes.

If he wants to go to London,

he can bloody well go!

- I've finished with him.

- Oh, but he's not.

- He can pack his things and get going!

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