Billy Liar Page #4

This is your life, Mr. Shadrack.

Your life,

Mi-ii-is-ter Sha-a-a-ad-rack.

Your life,

Shaddy-addy-addy-addy-ad rack!

Your life!

Oi, Shadders!

Hope my singing didn't put you off.

By the time we're burying you,

you'll be going off in one of these.

Plastic. Did you know that?

Yes, you see, people don't realise.

It's all clean lines nowadays.

All these frills and fancies

are going out. It's all old.

Same as I tell Councillor Duxbury.

You've got to move with the times.

No use living in one style

and dying in another, is it?

Quite.

Sit down. Make yourself at home.

Oh, thank you.

So you're thinking

of leaving us, is that it?

Well, I was thinking,

since this new opportunity...

"I have succeeded in obtaining

a post with Mr. Danny Boon".

- That's the comic, isn't it?

- Comedian, yes.

Very, very clever fellow.

So that's your ambition? Scriptwriting?

Yes, it always has been.

Do you get a salary each week

or do you get paid by the joke?

Ah, well,

it's very, very difficult to say,

really.

Well, it's very, very unprofessional,

a letter like this.

It is?

Nobody wants to stand in your way.

Don't think that.

But you might have gone about it

in a more satisfactory manner.

We were hoping you'd try and get

one or two things cleared up

- before you took a step like this.

- Oh, yes, I realise...

There's those calendars

to be explained, for one thing.

- What calendars?

- I think you know what calendars.

Oh! Oh, no.

There's been a bit

of a misunderstanding.

No, no, it wasn't

a misunderstanding, Fisher.

Two or three hundred calendars

didn't get posted,

to my knowledge.

We've got to get this cleared up,

you see.

We've got to get it cleared up

and implemented.

- If it's a question of payment...

- Now, wait a minute.

It's not as easy as that, you see.

There's the good will to consider.

Those calendars were for good will.

We can't understand

why you didn't send them out.

For God's sake,

why don't you tell the boring little man

where to stick his job?

We don't buy calendars just

so you can chuck them on the fire.

That's not what we're in business for.

Then there's this other matter.

Er, what other matter?

It's no use saying,

"What other matter?"

There's the matter

of the postage money, isn't there?

Just a minute.

'Now, one of the first things

we intend to do, Shadrack,

'is nationalise

the undertaking business. '

Yes, Sir William.

This means we are going to need

experts in this field, men of vision.

I wonder if you remember

showing a certain clerk

a revolutionary plastic coffin?

Yes.

I was the wretch

who forgot to post the calendars.

Yes, I can laugh now.

Good afternoon.

In connection

with the late Mr. Mathieson?

- Would you wait in here?

- Righty-o. Thank you.

Thank you.

I shan't keep you one moment.

Thank you.

There's his library books.

We'll have them to take back.

Yes.

Yes, well, now, as I was saying, Fisher,

there are discrepancies

in the postage book.

I've been trying to get some sense

out of your figures here.

A curious system of book-keeping

you seem to have adopted.

No, this is my own personal

double-entry method.

Only it's not quite up-to-date.

I'm sorry for any inconvenience.

Inconvenience?

It's not a question of inconvenience.

I have to tell you that,

under the circumstances,

there's no question

of our accepting your resignation.

We may have

to take some legal action.

I'll talk to you about it on Monday.

Why, Fisher?

Why?

- Yes, now...

- You've got a gloomy job!

Now, have you got the deposit?

So I went up to the third floor

into the soft furnishings department.

Oh, Billy,

they've got some lovely materials.

I saw some lovely stuff

for the curtains.

Honestly, pet, you'll love it.

It's sort of, um...

well, a turquoise, really.

And it's got lovely little squiggles,

sort of, well, like wine glasses.

Oh, yes, very nice, hmm.

The only trouble is, if we get

that yellow carpet, it won't match.

- Still, that's my department, pet.

- Hmm.

I don't know, darling.

I still say this ring's too big.

- Why won't you let me get it altered?

- Oh, I don't think it's too big.

Anyway, I want everyone to see it first.

- Don't blame me if you lose it.

- Oh, you do worry so, Billy.

- That's why I love you.

- Oh, darling.

- You'll always love me, won't you?

- Of course I will, pet.

- Give me the ring, then.

- No!

You can have it back on Tuesday.

Then it'll be there forever.

- Forever and ever.

- Go on, give it me.

- No!

- Give me the cowing ring before...

Billy!

I'm... I'm sorry, darling.

I'm really not meself today.

It's a good job I've got these

to keep me going.

- What are they?

- Energy tablets.

- Would you like a couple?

- No, thank you.

- Yes, they'll do you good.

- Oh, well...

- Will it taste all right?

- Oh, it will taste fine.

Just drink it up.

Then we'll go for a walk,

where it's quiet.

Oh, Billy, it's beautiful.

Oh!

Ah, just look at her little feet.

Aren't they lovely?

Ah!

Oh, listen to this.

"With you, dearest Mother

and darling Dad,

"happy were the years we had.

"And it is comfort in our pain

"you are now together again".

- Isn't that nice?

- Charming.

Ooh! Ooh, Billy, look!

Oh, there's a whole family in there!

- Ah, isn't it sweet?

- Fabulous.

Mmm!

Ah, they're all dead.

What a shame!

- Darling?

" Hmm?

- How do you feel?

- Ah, contented.

You don't feel,

you know, restless?

- No.

- No!

- Barbara?

- Hmm?

Do you think it's wrong for people

to have, you know, feelings?

Not if they genuinely

love each other.

- Like we do?

- Well, yes.

Would you think it wrong of me

to have... feelings?

I think we ought

to be married first.

- I love you, darling.

- I love you, pet.

- Do you, really and truly?

- Of course I do!

Oh, sticky fingers.

- Are you glad to be getting married?

- I think about it every minute.

Darling.

Billy!

Oh, promise me you'll never

fall in love with anybody else.

Of course not, pet.

Now, come on.

Let's talk about our cottage.

Yes, well... we'll have

a lovely cottage down in Devon.

Devon, yes.

We'll have a lovely garden

with roses and daffodils.

And a lovely lawn with a little swing

for little Billy and...

Little Barbara.

- To play on.

- Mm-hmm.

We'll have our meals

down by the lily pond in the summer.

Oh. Oh, do you think

a lily pond's safe?

What if the kiddies

wandered too near and fell in?

We'll build a wall around it.

Well, I mean,

we needn't have a pond at all.

We could have an old well.

Yes, an old brick well

where we draw the water.

We could make it

our wishing well.

And we could have...

a rustic bridge...

with a stream flowing beneath it,

not too deep

because of the children.

And we could have gnomes

and mushrooms.

Billy! Are you feeling all right?

Of course, darling. Why?

Well, look where your hand is.

Oh.

Don't you want me to touch you?

Well, it... seems indecent somehow.

You know you're making me ill,

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