Billy Liar Page #7

- No, it's not. It's easy.

You get on a train

and four hours later there you are.

It's easy for you.

You've had the practice.

Shall we go for a walk

or something?

- Soon.

- Thank you.

I Kookie Twisterella

I She hasn't got a fella...

Hey, "Twisterella".

It's my song. Me and Arthur wrote it.

Honestly?

Words and music

by Fisher and Crabtree.

We gave it to 'em months ago.

They never said.

- Did you really write it?

- Of course I did.

I She hasn't got a fella

I The kids all have a ball

I But she doesn't mind at all

Congratulations.

Oh, just a little thing I scribbled

on a menu in a fish restaurant.

That menu's worth

hundreds of pounds.

The price of fish has risen steeply

since the war, my dear.

I She's got the kind of shake

that's irresistible

- I Kookie Twisterella...

- Hang on a minute.

There's somebody

I'm anxious to avoid.

I The kids all have a ball

I But she doesn't mind at all

I She's Twisterella

I Yeah, Twisterella

- Billy!

- Hello, darling.

I waited outside for half an hour.

I said I'd see you inside.

Come on. Let's dance, anyway.

- Don't like it.

- It's my song. Me and Arthur wrote it.

- Did you, pet?

- Yeah.

It's the first time they've played it.

- But I can't do it.

- Of course you can.

- Like this with your legs.

- What do you do with your feet?

- The hips.

- No, pet. Come on.

Let's have an orange squash.

Come on.

I She's Twisterella

I Yeah, Twisterella

Oh, look what crawled out

the corned beef!

Hello, Rita.

I don't think you've met Barbara.

Er, Barbara, this is Rita.

Rita, this is Barbara.

I'm very glad you've come.

I think I owe you a word of explanation.

A word of explanation? Get back

in the cheese with the other maggots.

Will you kindly tell me

who this girl is?

Oh, get Madam Fancy Knickers!

I suppose she's your rotten sister.

I thought

she was in a rotten iron lung!

For your information,

I happen to be Billy's fiance.

Well, for your information,

he happens to be engaged to me!

- In front of a witness!

- I can explain all this.

Explain till you're blue in the face,

it'll make no difference.

I realise this must all seem

very confusing to you, Rita.

Barbara broke the engagement off.

- Billy!

- You gave that ring to me!

- There's been a bit of a mix-up, Rita.

- Yes, there has.

You don't handle the goods

unless you intend to buy.

Ooh, you're rotten!

- Are you breaking the engagement off?

- You don't get off it like that!

I want that ring.

I've got to know, Billy.

Have you been having...

relations with this girl?

What do you think he's been doing?

Knitting a pullover?

Give me that ring. It's mine.

I shall give the ring back

if I break off the engagement.

- Are you going to give me that ring?

- Don't you threaten me!

I won't threaten you, I'll flatten you.

- Now, take off that ring!

- No, it's mine!

- Give it to me!

- No!

Right. Come on, Gerry.

- No, let me go!

- Give me that ring. It's mine!

You've had it, Fisher, mate.

You've had it.

Ladies and gentlemen,

that last number was "Twisterella".

It's a brand-new one

written by two of our local boys here,

Arthur Crabtree...

Here's Arthur.

...and his colleague Billy Fisher.

Billy's somewhere

in the hall, I know.

He's probably celebrating

some wonderful news he's had.

- There he is.

- Billy Fisher. The man himself!

Congratulations, Billy.

We just heard

of your wonderful job in London,

writing scripts

for comedian Danny Boon.

Congratulations and best of luck.

Billy Liar!

Ladies and gentlemen, the conga.

Stupid! What do you want

to tell 'em that for?

- Why not? It's all fixed up.

- Mind your own business!

Yes, mate, and that's what

you want to do as well.

I don't know what tale

you've been telling my mother

about Barbara

being this sister of yours,

but she's been going on at me

all afternoon, so just pack it in.

And grow up!

'Mr. William Fisher

wanted on the telephone.

'Mr. William Fisher. '

Mr. William Fisher

wanted on the telephone.

Let's go.

'Can Mr. William Fisher

please come to the telephone?

'Thank you. '

Liz, do you find life difficult?

Oh, I wish it was something

you could tear up and start again.

You know, like starting

a new page in an exercise book.

It's been done.

Turning over a new leaf.

I turn over a new leaf every day,

but the blots show through.

- Billy, who do you love?

- Thee, lass.

- Yes, it sounds like it, doesn't it?

- I do, Liz, I do.

Say it properly, then.

Well, I do, Liz, I do.

- I want to marry you, Billy.

- I think I get engaged a bit too often.

I don't want to get engaged.

I want to get married.

Well, er, we will one day.

Yes, one day!

- Billy?

- What?

You know...

You know what you wanted me

to do that night?

When we were walking

through the park.

And I said, "Another night".

Yes.

Well, it's another night tonight,

isn't it?

- Are you sure?

- Yes.

Er, well...

But what...?

- Billy?

- Mm-hmm?

You know there have been others,

don't you?

Oh, well, I somehow imagined

that there might have been.

- Shall I tell you about them?

- No, no.

Go on, then. Tell me about it.

- No, not now.

- No, tell me about it.

- You think that's why I go away.

- I don't know.

Oh, it's not that.

It's...

Sometimes I want to go away.

It's not you, Billy.

It's this town.

It's the people we know.

I don't like knowing everybody,

becoming a part of things.

- Don't you know what I mean?

- Yes, I do, Liz. I do.

What I'd like to be is invisible.

I'd like to be able to move around

without having to explain anything.

Do you know what I do

to feel invisible?

Well, I've never told anybody before.

I have a sort of...

It's an imaginary country where I go.

It has its own people.

Do you do that?

I knew you would.

Why are we so alike?

I can read your thoughts.

- A town...

- No, this is a whole country.

I'm prime minister

and you're the foreign secretary.

- Thank you.

- I think about it for hours.

And sometimes I think,

if we were married,

with a house of our own,

we could just sit

and imagine ourselves there.

Yes, we could.

I want a room in the house

with a green baize door.

It'll be a big room, and when we go

through the door, that's our country.

Nobody else will be allowed in at all.

We could make models

of the cities out of cardboard

and have toy soldiers for the people.

We can draw maps.

It'd be a place to go

on a rainy afternoon.

We could design

our own newspapers.

We could even make uniforms.

It'd be our country.

With a model train the kids can't use.

Oh, Liz, Liz...

will you marry me?

Yes, Billy.

Oh, Liz.

- What is it?

- It's nothing.

You'll get your bastard teeth

knocked down your throat!

"I'm prime minister

and you're the foreign secretary".

Or something.

Leave them, Billy.

Oh, leave 'em.

They're not worth it.

The whole place isn't worth it.

Bastards.

Look, Billy...

Why don't you go to London?

I'll come with you.

Oh...

It'd be marvellous if we could.

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