Billy Madison

~ Suntan lotion is good for me

~ You protect me

~ Tee-hee-hee

Oh, the sun tries to burn me,

but you won't let it, will ya?

Ultraviolet rays - bad. Lotion - good.

(blows raspberries )

Smiley.

There's something important

I was supposed to do today.

Have five daiquiris?

No, you remembered to do that.

Man, why did I have so many drinks?

I can't remember.

- What's today?

- October?

It's nudie-magazine day!

Yeah!

Watch out, butler!

Ooh, you're a quick one.

Nudie-magazine day!

Nudie-magazine day!

Nudie-magazine day! Nudie...

Agh! Ooh!

Ooh.

Eee...

Ah!

Oh!

(squawking )

Holy jeez!

Lookee what we got here.

That silly penguin is back again.

No, Mr Madison, there no penguin.

You got too much sun today.

- There no penguin!

- (squawks )

It's too damn hot for a penguin

to be just walkin' around here.

I gotta send him back to the South Pole.

No!

Penguin! Don't you dare run away!

Come here, Mr Penguin!

I'm one of the good guys, penguin.

Don't run! Oh. Oh...

Don't run!

Don't run from me!

Penguin!

Penguin.

You're a bad penguin.

Whee-hee!

Call the zoo!

All the people at the zoo

are very nice, penguin.

They'll treat you real respectable, like.

There's nothing to worry about, big fella.

Here I come!

Right this way, gentlemen.

Mr Madison is expecting you.

Leg.

Billy! You shouldn't pull that crap in front

of your father's business associates.

Now you get yourself upstairs

and get ready. Dinner's in 15 minutes.

- Yeah, yeah.

- Don't ''yeah, yeah'' me, boy.

This is a very important dinner.

You best be there.

I will. Thank you, Juanita.

You gotta dress yourself up

and look nice, too.

Oh, that boy's a fine

piece of work all right.

He's a fine piece of ass though, too.

Where the hell is he? I'm starvin'.

I ate some Triscuit crackers in the car.

You should've had some.

If you'd told me

there were Triscuit crackers,...

- ..I could've enjoyed them with you.

- I'm sorry.

Sorry doesn't put the Triscuit crackers

in my stomach, does it, Carl?

Gentlemen?

I'm sorry to have kept you waiting.

Have you all met?

Eric Gordon, my executive vice president.

And our operations manager Carl Alphonse.

Sit down, gentlemen, sit down.

Beautiful table.

Good seeing you, sir.

Where's Billy?

Juanita said he'd be down

in a few minutes.

I'm sure you'll all be very impressed.

Shampoo is better.

I go on first and clean the hair.

Conditioner is better.

I leave the hair silky and smooth.

Oh, really, fool? Really!

Stop looking at me, swan.

(slurps )

- Hey, Carl, what's up?

- Nothing much, Billy.

- I see you got a little sun today.

- You think so?

- I fell asleep by the pool for a few hours.

- Did you fall asleep or did you pass out?

Shut up!

That's enough, Billy. Because you took

your sweet-ass time coming down here,...

..these gentlemen will miss their flights.

Well, this guy can stay in my room,

I'll tell you that much.

Billy? Eat your soup.

It's good soup.

Gentlemen, I can't thank you enough

for coming this evening.

(yells gibberish )

Please, Billy, please,

no gibberish tonight, please. I beg you.

Sorry, Daddy.

This is a big night for me tonight, gents.

I have an important announcement.

(fast gibberish )

That's it, Billy! Get the hell outta here!

(slow gibberish )

- Nice talkin' to you, Billy.

- (singsong gibberish )

(yells )

Right. One, two, three!

Hey, Billy, how come

you ain't poundin' any tonight?

I don't know. My dad was yellin' at me.

I'm just not in the mood.

Hey, Billy, who would you rather bone,

Meg Ryan or Jack Nicholson?

Jack Nicholson now, or 197 4?

'7 4.

- Meg Ryan.

- Go.

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

Oh, my God! I am the winner!

- Billy is not an idiot.

- I'm not saying he's an idiot.

I just think he might not be mature

enough to run a Fortune 500 company.

My late wife Emily and I

started this company...

..with a 15-unit motel

in Patchogue, Long Island.

We built it into 650 hotels.

Our dream was to one day

turn it over to our only son Billy.

- How many people work for Madison?

- 61,000 and change.

How long will they have jobs once Billy

has the hotel operator speaking gibberish?

Oh, Billy, Billy boy.

When are you gonna find

whatever it is you're lookin' for?

Here's a nice piece of sh*t.

My, oh, my. Wait till old man Clemens

realises it's a bag of sh*t.

He's gonna sh*t when he realises it's sh*t.

Who got the lighter?

Come on.

Light it.

(rings doorbell)

Oh, my God! Old man Clemens hates sh*t!

Shh. Here he comes!

Who the hell is it? What do you want?

Judas Priest, Barbara!

One of those flaming bags again!

(Barbara ) Don't put it out

with your boots, Ted.

Don't tell me my business, devil woman.

Call the fire department.

This one's outta control(!)

(sniffs )

It's poop again!

He called the sh*t ''poop''!

This is the best night of my life!

I'll get you damn kids for this!

You're all gonna die!

Billy, could you step in here

for a moment?

I have big news.

Eric is pregnant! Congratulations, Dippy!

Feel those kicks!

He's gonna be a soccer player. He is.

He is.

All right, what's up?

I've had to face

some hard truths tonight, Billy.

Do we have to do this

with Captain Dipshit here?

You were brought up with

every advantage. I bought you everything.

Toys, cars, vacations, clothes...

Actually, I stole this shirt from Frank.

Yeah, well, whatever.

It's all my fault. I made a mistake.

Jeez, what...?

Are you some damned moron?

Can't you just stop for two seconds?

I'm trying to tell you that I'm retiring,

and Eric, not you,...

- ..is gonna take over Madison Hotels.

- Eric?!

You're gonna give the company to Eric?

He is a bad, bad man!

What do you care, Billy? What do you care

who I appoint to run the company, huh?

I mean, I'm doin' you a favour.

You don't ever have to look for a job.

You can sit around all day, goofing off,

sipping drinks, chasing invisible penguins.

Is that it, Dad?

Did the penguin tell you to do this?

- Penguin?

- What an idiot.

You know, I could help Billy

until he gets the hang of it.

I think crazy Carl is right. I mean,

I can do this if I set my mind to it.

High school was a pain in the ass,

but I graduated.

Because I paid your teachers

to give you decent grades.

I've regretted it every day since.

I thought at the time...

..if you could get good grades,

you might get into a good college...

- ..and straighten yourself out.

- I don't believe that.

Well, what do you believe?

That you were an honours student?

How could I hand over to someone who

couldn't get through school on his own?

I don't know. Don't think about it.

Just hand it over.

Forget it.

Well, listen, don't you think you better

go to bed? Big day tomorrow.

A day filled with daiquiris

and Nintendos and jack-off magazines...

Dad!

Yeah, what?

Give me one more chance.

I'll prove I can take over.

I'll do anything it takes. I'll go back

to high school and take the exams again.

- I'll get my diploma all by myself.

- Billy, Billy, it wasn't just high school.

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