Billy Madison Page #2

Remember that spelling bee

you won in the first grade?

- No, you didn't.

- Rock.

R-o-k.

Yeah? So what's your point?

- R-o-c-k!

- The C is silent.

OK, all right.

All right, you got it. First grade

through 12th grade all over again.

I'll do each grade in two weeks,

take the tests, regraduate,...

..prove to you I'm not an idiot, and then

I get to take over Madison Hotels.

That's some idea.

- You just think of that?

- Yeah, I did. It's pretty good, huh?

Brian, don't you think

the future of Madison Hotels...

..and its 61,000 employees is too

important to gamble on a game like this?

No.

You're on.

Carl, you make the arrangements.

You pass every grade before June 15

and you take over instead of Eric.

Have a nice weekend, son.

You start school on Monday.

Oh!

Give 'em hell, Bill.

Nice try, asswipe.

But you're just delaying the inevitable.

(~ 'I'll Tumble 4 Ya' by Culture Club )

~ Downtown we'll drown,

we're in our never splendour

~ Flowers, showers

~ Who's got the new boy gender?

~ I'll be your baby, I'll be your score

~ I'll run the gun for you

and so much more

~ I'll tumble for ya

~ I'll tumble for ya

~ I'll tumble for ya, I'll tumble for you

~ I'll tumble for ya

~ I'll tumble for ya

~ I'll tumble for ya, I'll tumble

~ I get a crazy feeling

that chases in my head

~ It's nothing that you do to me,

it's nothing that you said

Where's my Snack Pack?

You've got a banana.

You don't need no Snack Pack.

You know I like Snack Pack.

Why can't you give me a Snack Pack?!

I thought I was your Snack Pack.

- What are you talkin' about?

- Nothin'.

Bill, you're gonna miss the bus.

Yeah, you better get

your beautiful buns up that driveway.

- What a weirdo!

- (Juanita laughs )

~ Oh, back to school

~ Back to school

~ To prove to Dad that I'm not a fool

~ I got my lunch packed up

~ My boots tied tight

~ I hope I don't get in a fight

~ Oh, back to school

~ Back to school, back to school...

Well, here goes nothin'.

Thank you, Daddy.

- Hi. How you doin'?

- Fine.

Are you going to class today, too?

I'll be going to class to teach.

How about you?

I'll be going to learn.

Ah. You must be Billy Madison.

Yes, I am.

Don't you think it's pathetic that because

of your father you get to do school again?

- Yes, I do.

- Well, as long as you know.

Well, all right!

(bell rings )

(children shrieking )

Hey, mister,

guess what I had for breakfast.

- What?

- Beans.

Scotty likes beans, don't you, Scotty?

- Hey. How you doin'?

- Let's involve the class.

Quiet down, my special people.

I want you all to meet...

..our new friend Billy.

- Can everyone say hello to Billy?

- Hello, Billy.

Hi.

Billy is going to be sharing our fun

and learning for the next two weeks.

Billy is special,

just like each and every one of you.

And what do we do to our special people?

All right. All right.

Billy, why don't you take a seat

right up front here?

And we can start story time.

You got a misshaped head.

Thank you.

The Puppy Who Lost His Way

by Chrissy Taylor.

''One fine morning...

..a puppy popped his puppy paws

out of his puppy house.''

''This was no ordinary puppy.''

''This puppy was the happiest puppy

in the whole world.''

''In fact, his name was Happy.

Happy looked through the bushes...''

'''I'll never let you get lost again',

cried the little boy,...

..who was so happy

that he gave Happy a kiss...

..on his wet little puppy nose.''

''The end.''

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Miss Lippy.

The part of the story I don't like...

..is that the little boy gave up

looking for Happy after an hour.

He didn't put posters up. He just sat

on the porch like a goon and waited.

That little boy's gotta think:

you got a pet, you got a responsibility.

If your dog gets lost, you don't look

for an hour then call it quits.

You get your ass out there

and you find that f***in' dog!

I think it's time to play dodge ball.

You're out! O'Doyle rules!

(sitar music )

Billy. What are you doing back?

I'm out.

Well, that just means you stay

off to the side until a new game starts.

That's OK. I'm kinda tired anyway.

I'll just sit here and colour or something.

Billy, dodge-ball time is a special time.

Not just for you boys and girls,

but for Miss Lippy, too. So stay outside.

(children ) Whoa!

Now you're all in big, big trouble.

(~ 'Beat on the Brat' by the Ramones )

You're out!

Oh, yeah!

(bell rings )

Lunchtime!

I bet that Snack Pack's pretty good.

Wanna trade me the rest of it

for this banana?

You know how badly I can beat you, right?

Mortal Kombat on Sega Genesis

is the best video game ever.

I disagree. It's a very good game, but I

think Donkey Kong is the best game ever.

- Donkey Kong sucks.

- You know somethin'? You suck.

~ Number one, number one

~ Now my song has just begun

~ With a rum tum taddelum,

Old John Braddelum

~ Hey, what country folk we be

~ Number two, number two

~ Roosters crow,

cock-a-doodle-doodle-doo

~ With a rum tum taddelum,

Old John Braddelum

~ Hey, what countryfolk we be

~ Number three, number three

~ I like you and you like me

Hey! That's very nice of you to pick up

your little brother here at school.

He's not my brother. He's my son.

- You gotta be kiddin' me.

- Mom, that's Billy. He's in my class.

I heard he's retarded or something.

(laughs )

Creative mind. Maybe someday he'll make

Mommy and Daddy a lot of money.

Daddy's in prison, and he won't

be home for a long time.

My dear Lord.

Yeah! Yeah, well, I gotta get goin'

right now. I gotta get on the bus.

I ride the bus for the city

and watch the bus drivers.

This programme to make sure

they turn the wheels right...

Billy, you forgot your stuff.

Come on, honey.

Thank you very much, Miss Lippy!

- (phone rings )

- Yes.

- (secretary ) Brian Madison for you.

- Tell him I'm out to lunch.

Billy Madison.

A buffoon. And yet a threat

to my eventual takeover of this company.

A menace.

And what do we do with a menace?

We eliminate it.

We eliminate Billy Madison.

- Tricia Labonte?

- Here.

- Scotty Logan?

- Here.

- Billy Madison?

- (blows raspberry )

(laughing )

Hm...

Hey. Look at all this milk.

- You want some of this milk?

- That milk belongs to that classroom.

Oh. They don't gots to know about it.

It could be our milk.

No milk will ever be our milk.

Ooh. That wasn't very nice.

How 'bout you, sideburns?

You want some of this milk?

Rather have a beer.

I drew the duck blue because

I've never seen a blue duck before...

..and, to be honest with ya,

I wanted to see a blue duck.

Well, it's an excellent blue duck.

Congratulations.

You just passed the first grade.

Oh, Miss Lippy, that's so great.

What do you think of that, Mr Blue Duck?

That's quack-tastic!

Wow! Look at all that candy!

Rolex!

- Thanks for the watch, Billy.

- You're welcome, buddy.

This is great. When I graduated first grade

all my father did was tell me to get a job.

(braying )

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