Billy Madison Page #3

Hey, you wanna feed that donkey

some beer, get it all messed up?

- Maybe later.

- I'll go put some beer in a bucket.

- OK.

- Hey there, Mr Graduate. How's it goin'?

(Eric ) Go!

Come on, kid! Get up! Get up!

You're humiliating yourself! Get up!

Whoa, whoa, whoa...

Aaah!

So he's passed first grade and

he's moved on to second. Whoop-de-do.

Any more information, Rollo?

Billy likes to drink soda.

Miss Lippy's car is green.

And now we have just two students left.

Bath.

Bath.

B-a-t-h.

- Bath.

- Correct!

Bath - that's a little easy.

Why don't you just give her the trophy?

Cheese.

Cheese.

C-h-e-e-s-e.

- Cheese.

- Correct.

- Couch.

- Couch.

C...

C-o...

- W?

- No!

No, I'm sorry, that's not right.

(laughs )

Well, Billy, if you spell this correctly,

you pass second grade.

Couch.

C...

Cou...

Cou...

C-o...

R... Are you going to the mall later?

That's what I'm asking.

No, I am not going to the mall.

Keep spelling, mister.

C-o-u...

..c-h?

Correct!

I am the smartest man alive!

(squealing )

Is he gonna have a stupid party

every time he passes a grade?

(Carl) Everybody's having

a good time but you.

Spoilt snot. Get outta here.

Let me ask you something, Carl.

You started here, what, 25 years ago?

Night bellboy at the Philadelphia Madison?

After all your hard work, how would you

feel working for some punk kid like Billy?

Could be worse.

That's nice.

Man, I'm so nervous.

First and second grade were easy,...

..but social studies, division?

This is gonna be tough.

Man, I'm so nervous.

First and second grade were easy,...

..but social studies, division?

This is gonna be tough.

Relax, dude.

Jackpot.

- Good morning, class.

- Good morning, Miss Vaughn.

We're gonna start today by reading

a short story entitled ''My Sister Fanny''.

Quiet.

OK, so let's all open up

our Reading is Fun books to page 69.

69!

Class, say hello to Billy Madison.

Hello, Billy Madison.

Billy is a nuisance.

He will be gone in two weeks.

I apologise for this inconvenience.

- Jeez! What's up her butt?

- What was that, Billy?

I said ''Reading is good.''

Can we start the story now?

Dan, you may begin.

''O... o... once...

..th... th... there w... was...

..a g... g... girl...

..who w...''

- He can't even read.

- Cut it out, dude.

You're gonna get us in trouble.

''..p... p... p... p...''

T... t... t... today, junior!

Ow! You're tearing my ear off!

Making fun of a kid for trying to read.

Are you psycho? Do you not have a soul?

I'm sorry. I can't hear you.

I've been physically abused in the ear.

Keep your mouth shut for the next two

weeks or I'm gonna fail you. End of story.

I see your lips movin', but I can't

make out your words. I'm deaf.

Oh, Veronica Vaughn. So hot.

Want to touch the heinie.

(howls )

So that girlie I've been chasin'?

Turns out she's my third-grade teacher.

First thing she does

is kick me out of her class.

Maybe she feels she has

to make an example of you.

- Or she's got somethin' up her ass.

- That's what I said.

- Poor Billy.

- I'm so depressed.

- Want me to take my shirt off for you?

- No, thank you.

OK, baby. But remember,

the offer is on the table.

Oh, yes. Oh, my.

Oh, God, yes.

- Lordy.

- Billy Madison.

Uh-huh?

Would you like to try writing some words

in cursive on the blackboard today?

OK. Sure.

OK, how about the word ''dugout''?

OK, good. How about ''bunt''?

Bunt. B-u-n-t.

In perfect cursive.

Any more brain-busters?

Rizzuto.

Z... Z...

Rirruto?

Those are Zs.

They look like Rs to me.

That's not fair! Rizzuto is not a word.

He's a baseball player. You're cheating.

Would you like to try the word ''buzz''?

(children laugh )

I hate cursive and I hate all of you!

I'm never comin' back to school! Never!

(children laugh )

(Juanita ) Billy!

I swear, I'm sick. I can't go to school.

If you're gonna stay home today,

you could help me shave my armpits.

Oh, my God! I'll go to school.

O'Doyle rules!

- What's goin' on?

- Miss Vaughn's sick.

(teacher claps )

Please take your seats.

- Who's that guy?

- Principal Anderson.

As you can tell, Miss Vaughn is not feeling

well today, so I'll be taking her place.

But don't get your hopes up,

because I plan on teaching,...

..so I hope you plan on learning.

Now, who can tell me where we are

in our social-studies reader?

Yes?

Michael?

Excuse me. What's that in your hand?

Bring that note up to me.

(class ) Ooh.

Now let's see what couldn't wait

till after class.

''We're so lucky to have

Principal Anderson substituting.''

''Now we have the privilege of staring

at that tub of lard all day long''?

''If I were him, I would walk my fat ass

right into oncoming traffic.''

Oh, man, Billy,

I just thought of the funniest thing.

Billy?

- Where's Billy?

- He's in school, man.

Oh, yeah.

(~ 'I'm Not the One' by the Cars )

~ I'm not the one

~ That you'll be shootin' for

~ I'm not the one

~ Who's coming back for more

~ You know why

~ We've been through this too many times

~ You know why

~ It's never clear it's pantomime

I don't wanna sound like a weirdo,

but I kinda missed Miss Vaughn today.

- Why? Do you like her or something?

- No!

- Why? Did she say she likes me?

- Not to me.

Well, let's find out.

Uh, hello?

Um, is this Miss Vaughn?

Oh, hi. It's Ernie from class.

(whispers ) Ask her if she has a boyfriend.

Uh, Miss Vaughn, do you have a boyfriend?

(whispers ) No.

- Ask her...

- Shh!

Ask her if she likes anybody from class,

like, more than a friend.

Uh, Miss Vaughn, do you like

anybody in class more than a friend?

(whispers ) No.

Ask her if she would ever

go out with somebody from class.

- No!

- Just do it!

Um, Miss Vaughn, would you ever

go out with anybody from class?

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

You see, Ernie, grown-ups like

to go out with other grown-ups.

- What about Billy?

- You're more of a grown-up than Billy.

- I'll give you a grown-up.

- What was that, Ernie?

(high-pitched) Nothing.

See you tomorrow in class, Miss Vaughn.

You blew it!

Hey, I dare you to throw

your sandwich at the bus driver.

(children ) Do it. Come on.

Hey!

Hey, who threw that?

I'll turn this damn bus around.

That'll end your precious little

field trip pretty damn quick, huh?

Bullshit.

Hey, I'm tryin' to score points with

the teacher today. Don't screw it up!

I dare you to touch her b*obs.

Touch her b*obs? That's assault, brother.

Ya double-dare me?

Miss Vaughn, how long till we get there?

- I have to go to the bathroom.

- Probably about two minutes.

Sorry about that.

Damn guy drives like an animal.

That's all right, Billy.

Why don't you go back and sit down now?

- OK.

- I double-dare you.

Da... I... Accident...

Mistake... Tit...

- Go sit down now.

- Yes.

(children giggle )

Yeah, here we go again.

Another treat from the road.

Grand, ripe banana.

Trick of the day. Great...

(woman ) What is a horseshoe?

What does a horseshoe do?

Are there any horse socks?

Is anybody listening to me?

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