Billy Madison Page #4

Anyways, I am sorry about

what happened back there,...

..but you have to admit,

I've been tryin' to be good lately.

Well, you're not the first person

that's tried to grab my chest.

I'm trying not to hold you to a higher

standard than the rest of the students.

Although maybe I should.

You are, what, 50?

No, but the other kids look up to me.

I don't want them to think I'm a coward.

Don't worry about it. Next week you're

gonna have another teacher to annoy.

I don't want to annoy another teacher,

Miss Vaughn. I want to annoy you.

- Miss Vaughn!

- Somebody stole all our lunches.

Who would steal 30 bagged lunches?

I'll tell you who took those lunches.

That damn sasquatch.

Well, I guess that's it.

OK, everybody! Back on the bus!

- Hey, what's with Ernie?

- I don't know. I'll be right back.

Hey, Ernie, what's up?

Nothing.

You fallen in love

with the wall or somethin'?

- I had an accident.

- An accident. What does that mean?

Ooh!

Oh, I know. OK. Uh...

Don't worry, buddy. You hang tight.

I'll be right back.

Hey, look, everybody! Billy peed his pants!

Of course I peed my pants. Everybody

my age pees their pants. It's the coolest.

- Really?

- Yes!

You ain't cool unless you pee your pants.

- Wow.

- Hey, man, Ernie peed his pants too.

All right!

If peeing your pants is cool,

consider me Miles Davis.

Oh!

That was the grossest thing

I've ever heard in my life! Let's go!

Get on the bus here.

Move it. Get up there, Kyle.

One, two, five, seven.

Move it or lose it. Get on the b...

Hi, Miss Vaughn. Nice to see ya.

That Veronica Vaughn is one piece of ass.

I know from experience, dude,

if you know what I mean.

No, you don't.

Well, not me personally, but a guy I know.

Him and her got it on.

Whoo-ee!

No, they didn't.

No, no, no, they didn't.

But you can imagine

what it'd be like if they did, right? Huh?

Everybody on?

Good, great, grand, wonderful!

No yelling on the bus!

~ Billy passed the third grade

~ Oh, what a glorious day

~ Oh, passin' third grade

~ The Billy Madison way

Yeah!

Rock on! Yes!

(boy ) Stop it.

Who are you? I don't even know you.

Go away, mister. Stop it.

- Are you OK?

- Yeah.

- Look! She came!

- And she came too.

The mucus queen is yours.

Thanks.

Hi!

Oh, gosh. Oh, thank you.

Oh, my God!

Snack Pack! You're the coolest!

- Those should last you the weekend.

- Thank you very much.

- Billy is on the right track.

- He's on track all right.

He's headed right down the toilet.

Easy.

You still don't think he's gonna make it?

Trust me, Carl, baby.

I know he's not gonna make it.

Would you excuse me for a second?

Who will help me destroy Billy Madison?

Who?

You know, that was really sweet,

the way you helped Ernie out yesterday.

He would have done the same for me.

So what's it like being back in school?

I don't know. I kinda feel

like an idiot sometimes.

Although I am an idiot,

so it kinda works out.

Is it just you and your dad in here?

Well, actually, no. There's Juanita,

and some maids and butlers and stuff.

And people who work for my dad

are always stoppin' by.

And my friends are always sleepin' over,

even when I didn't ask 'em to.

- Sounds like a hotel.

- It kinda is. It can be distracting.

That's why I moved out here.

Wow.

This is where I've been spending

most of my time lately.

Not exactly roughing it, are you?

Those are, uh...

They come with the tent, so...

Oh, wow. A Tale of Two Cities.

I don't think we're up to that one yet.

I can understand nine words

in that book now.

So, it's, um... the last day of third grade.

And you have the teacher,

alone, in your tent.

What do you wanna do?

Well, I can think of three things

I'd like to do.

One would involve some ice cubes

and a nine-iron.

- Two would include a buffalo.

- Really?

Live or stuffed.

Preferably stuffed, for safety's sake.

Three:
we'd bring back

some of those ice cubes,...

..but switch it over to a pitching wedge.

How you guys doin'?

Hey! Carl! Good to see you!

This is Veronica, my teacher. That's Carl.

Very pleased to meet you.

Bill, I think Eric is up to something.

- Who's Eric?

- He works for my dad too.

He gets the company if I screw up.

He's a douchebag.

He made some menacing comments to me,

and then he did that little weasel laugh.

- Yeah. How does that laugh go again?

- You know. (laughs )

- Very good. It sounded just like him.

- Thanks.

Well, I'm sure he's got

something up his sleeve.

- Thanks, buddy.

- No problem.

(~ 'ABC' by the Jackson 5)

~ You went to school to learn, girl

~ Things you never, never knew before...

(teacher ) The most densely populated part

of the US is along the eastern seaboard.

We're gonna talk about why that is

over the next few minutes.

We all know what a census is, don't we?

That's like taking a census...

You know, yeah. Pick it up and gimme...

You want some of this?

Oh, my dear Lord!

You never leave me open, son,

cos I'm gonna hit it every time.

You want some more of that?

I didn't think so!

~ Reading, writing, arithmetic

are the branches of the learning tree

~ But without the roots

of love every day, girl

~ Your education ain't complete

~ Teacher's gonna show you

~ How to get an A

~ How to spell 'me', 'you'

and add the two

~ Listen to me, baby,

that's all you gotta do

~ ABC

~ It's easy as 1-2-3

~ As simple as do-re-mi, ABC...

(belches the alphabet )

All right, stop before I throw up.

Hey, Billy, you wanna go

play soccer with us after school?

No, I got a test on Friday.

I'll play with you guys next week.

- Next week you'll be in ninth grade.

- Yeah, high school.

Oh, yeah.

You aren't gonna wanna hang round with

a bunch of dumb elementary-school kids.

That's not true. I'll come

and visit you guys all the time.

Yeah, to see your girlfriend.

(boys ) Whooo!

(cackling )

Have some more Sloppy Joes.

I made 'em extra sloppy for yous.

I know how yous kids like 'em sloppy.

Lady, you're scarin' us.

- Do you know where the bathroom is?

- Second door on the left.

Hey, tubby, how about

a little bathroom reading?

I have the August 1983 issue

of Wrestling World here.

There's a terrific article about

a wrestler named the Revolting Blob.

Gee, you know somethin'?

He kinda looks like someone I know.

- Where'd you get that?

- I have a subscription.

Bad guy. He threw one opponent out of

the ring and hit a bunch of senior citizens.

Boy, this wacko looks familiar.

What do I care about some

stupid phoney wrestling guy?

My God.

In June 1983 he sat on

some guy's head and killed him.

It was just a stunt!

He was supposed to pinch my leg

if he was running short of air.

With this guy sitting on everyone's head,

I wonder how he got his teaching degree?

No!

No, you can't do that to me.

Those kids are my whole life!

So you wouldn't want anything to happen

that would make 'em think less of you?

Max?

Max?

You ready to cooperate with me?

Yes.

Then Madison Hotels is as good as mine!

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