Birdland Page #4

---

thought she had lost

her way and perhaps

was a bad influence on you.

He really likes you, by the way.

He thinks you're doing

important work here.

(sensuous music)

Hmm.

Are you an actress?

- Well, that's a

tawdry pickup line.

- I only meant there's

something superficial

and insincere about you.

Oh.

You're not who you seem to be.

- Well, you already

know I'm a cop

but sometimes I like to

moonlight as a private eye.

- You know, I never guessed

you'd be back so soon.

Hazel exudes a certain

seductive quality,

wouldn't you agree?

She is a very beautiful girl.

You got that right.

("Lullaby of Birdland")

Lullaby by birdland

that's what I

Always hear, when you sigh

Never in my wordland could

there be ways to reveal

In a phrase how I feel

- How did you get into the

crime fighting business?

- To be perfectly

honest, crime bores me.

I'd rather be

photographing nature.

When we kiss

And there's

a weepy old willow

Crime is nature.

That's how I'd

cry in my pillow

If you should tell

me farewell and goodbye

So,

you get off watching

people's deep dark secrets.

Watching is my line of work.

What do you see?

'Cause um,

you know what I think?

I think you been thinking about

me a lot since we last met.

Touch my dick.

(Sheila scoffs)

Seriously.

Touch my dick.

(laughs)

Relax, I just wanted to

see we could work together.

Now.

Let's find out who killed Merle.

- You never told me

you'd been to Japan.

Were you in love with her?

She's very beautiful.

- It's really not

that important, it

It's before I met you.

Where'd you find this?

I went to her memorial.

I thought someone should

represent the family.

I thought we talked about

not having secrets

in this marriage.

What's worse than anything is

you've been keeping

yourself secret.

(smooth jazz music)

[Woman] Come on.

- [Ray] What is his

f***ing problem?

Who?

Bird boy.

- Don't worry about it,

I'm taking care of him.

I f***ing hope so.

If it wasn't for him,

Merle would still be alive.

Do you like to tango, Tom?

I can show you the secret.

All the mystery that

lives below our waists.

- I feel like I need

to tell you that

I have to turn down your

father's sponsorship offer.

- Mm, babe, is that the only

reason you came to see me?

In a way,

I feel like I'm honoring

Merle's last wishes,

but I think it's even

bigger than Merle.

I know what you did, you know.

Boom.

You've been a bad boy, Tom.

I can make you feel better.

I did nothing.

I know.

I know.

I know.

- I think this is what

you're looking for.

Next time you should just ask.

Now nothing happens

for 48 minutes.

Which is a little

bit impressive,

I didn't think he had it in him.

See, the next thing you

know, Merle is dead.

- [Calvin] What else did you

find out about the cowboy?

- Bob McIntyre either had

scruples, or he was just dumb.

Other ranchers had been

bribed into allowing

Futron Energy to

frack on their land.

The cowboy was under

considerable pressure.

Tom and Merle had

convinced him it was wrong.

Then Starling threw in

Hazel to sweeten the deal,

and she turned out to be

an even bigger influence.

Oh, and I found out that

fracking causes earthquakes.

(explosion)

(introspective music)

Geez, what do you get out

of such a ideological

rigid agenda?

Have you ever heard

of ethical oil?

People need oil,

they demand oil.

I tell you, I hate

to see my daughters

living under some repressive

regime in the Middle East.

No, I can't quite

picture you in burkas.

- [Calvin] What

was Mr. James like?

- He was a captain

of industry type.

- You're destroying

everything I care about.

- [Sheila] Inscrutable,

Machiavellian, philanthropist.

Merle, come on, let's go.

Merle please.

- It was obvious that he

and Merle had had some

professional disagreements,

but he seemed to adore her,

and Hazel.

- My dear, those who

provide are the anointed.

And those who don't appreciate

it can go f*** themselves.

- Sabotage is just

the beginning.

- I think it's time

to do a little tally

on the old mental

scorecard here.

So, Tom's resume, his

biography if you will,

he is an ornithologist

who works at

the natural history museum, who

at the time of Merle's

death claims he was working

on his dino-bird exhibit, right?

Did you ever see that

show, What's My Line?

Kind of.

- So, on your episode

here, let's call it that,

you decide not to ask

any questions at all.

Instead, detective,

you suspect your husband

of having an affair

and you begin to

surveil your marriage.

So Tom's mistress

Merle, she just,

she falls from a bridge

and just gets hit

by an oncoming train and

her body just magically

ends up in Tom's possession

in a fridge at the museum.

Not to mention Tom

also bashes in the head

of Merle's boyfriend Starling,

and this is my favorite part,

Tom uses Hazel, Merle's sister,

for his blue kimono fetish.

- Did you come here

to see me, or Merle?

- Tom's motivation

for murdering Starling

was all spelled out.

Jealous rage, revenge.

Not to mention his

connection to Merle's death.

And what is your

part in all this?

By the way, does Tom

own a gray sports coat?

(bird cawing)

(uneasy music)

(bottle pops open)

(whip cracking)

- Don't you just love

to f*** tragic women?

Makes me kind of hard

just thinking about it.

So what do you

think makes people

stick together in

marriage like swans?

'Cause personally I

don't want people to read

in my obituary that

I snapped my neck

tripping on some

f***ing baby toy.

(Hazel chuckles)

(Hazel chuckles)

Go on.

The boy's an old hand.

(dramatic music)

Where's your Tom?

(tense music)

(Ray sighs)

- You have had

too much to drink.

Why don't you go

upstairs to my suite.

Take her with you

and straighten out.

(snorting)

I like you.

You do?

What do you like about me?

You're smart.

You're stunning.

Just like me.

(both breathing heavily)

(uneasy music)

Say goodbye to Merle.

What about your husband?

Tom, does he uh, like

to f*** other women?

Oh wait, this is

payback sex, isn't it?

Sauce for the

goose and all that.

F*** you and your

murdering husband.

Where's Merle's ring,

you rotten c*nt?

(Sheila grunts)

Tom is a dead man.

(intense music)

I'm gonna f***ing kill him!

- We finally tracked down

Starling's cameraman.

No, no!

Merle, wait, come here.

Come here!

(indistinct shouting)

(intense music)

(Merle screams)

(loud thump)

(woman yells)

(bell ringing)

(zipper opens)

(tense music)

- Do you have

something to tell me?

- She came to the

museum a few months ago.

How many months?

How many months?

I don't know.

A while.

She came to convince me to

convince the museum

to withdraw from her

father's sponsorship.

And she had some coke.

What happened next?

You started f***ing her.

How awkward, I

can't even imagine

how your parts got

stuck together.

Just stop it.

Why?

Tom, why

did you?

[Tom] Sheila.

I was stoned.

Why didn't you stop it?

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes