Birthmarked Page #2

but I'm done with the reports.

- What about the bassinets?

- The bassinets are clean.

- Okay. Why don't you, uh,

take the evening off, Sammy?

Okay.

Thank you. (narratorKonstantino Samsonov

was an ex-Olympic

shooting medalist

who defected

from the Soviet Union

by hiding in a pastry truck

at the 1976 Montreal games.

(rock music)

(rifle shot in the distance)

Want to go for a ride?

(rifle shot in the distance)

(snorting like a horse)

(whinnying)

(snorting)

Samsonov graduated

with a certificate

in Child Psychology...

(screaming in the distance)

...from the Lake Champlain

evening program,

which qualified him

as natural caregiver

for the children.

(classical music playing) (crying)

- Oh, no, no, no.

- As toddlers, Luke, Maurice and

Maya listened to classical music

to stimulate their neurological

pathways and cerebral juices.

- Dad, why is Luke

such a fart face?

- Hey. Maurice, that's not nice. And for

the last time, put your PJs on, please.

(narrator):
Every feeling,

urge and emotion Luke felt

was channelled

into artistic expression.

- You okay?

(tearfully):
No!

Do you want to sing about it?

I think you should.

(singing to blues music) You

know I'm the hoochie-coochie man

Everybody knows I'm here

(narrator):
Maya's diet...

(Samsonov):
Enjoy.

- ...was rich in omega-3s

and iron

to help develop memory

and intelligence.

Her days and nights were filled

with intellectual pursuits.

- Food enters the intestines

and is digested with enzymes...

- And her knowledge was

showcased on a daily basis.

- ...before being absorbed

into the bloodstream.

(imitating rifle shot)

- Hey. Hey, hey.

- Mom!

- Remember

what the Mahatma said:

"An eye for an eye will only

make the whole world blind."

(sighing)

I'm getting Sammy.

(narrator):

Maurice meditated every day

to better himself

and better the world.

You feel calm and safe here.

At peace with yourself.

(man):
Two, three times a two

equals a six,

but it is not

at its lowest form if...

(narratorIn addition to the

experiments they underwent every day...

- Fractions can be friends. So

take the top line, two times one...

...they were also

homeschooled

the standard

government curriculum.

Any questions?

Throughout

its 12-year duration,

the children were oblivious

to any scientific experiment.

They lived

with the ups and downs

of any normal,

dysfunctional family.

You know

I'm the hoochie-coochie man

Everybody knows I'm here

They are arriving!

- Hey, don't forget to tell them

you're about to write your first play.

- Yep.

- Yeah.

(Sammy):
They are coming!

(soft music)

- How was the trip?

(sighing):
Swell.

- Hey, you guys! Give us hugs.

- We missed you!

(chuckling)

- I brought the usual goodies.

- Look at them.

They're all like kudzu.

- What's that?

- Kudzu is a...

it's a Japanese plant.

Grows like crazy.

- And books.

Look what I got for you.

- Do you have

Sports Illustrated?

- The periodical?

- No, the shampoo line.

- Hey, be polite.

(Ms. Tridek):

Who punched you in the nose?

- Come on, let's shake a leg.

(man):

And what is your answer?

- The Anglo-Zanzibar War

of 1895?

Uh... I mean 6.

(woman):
Write it down, Maya.

This time,

we'll be conducting a test called the

Wechsler Intelligence Scale for Children.

- Is it hard?

- No harder than usual, sweetie.

Just do your best.

Jack has $56 for the market.

By the end of the day,

he has used $19.

What percentage of his money

has he spent?

Three, two, one... Go.

(beep)

(soft music)

A- about a third.

34%.

- You don't need to say it,

sweetie. Just write it down.

Question #7:
On a scale of one to 10...

- Get them in here, please.

- One "not angry at all

and 10 being "furious,"

how would you react

if you overheard

your brother or sister

saying bad things about you?

One. Not angry at all.

You wouldn't be mad?

- "Anger always ends in shame."

Ben Franklin said that.

- Do you agree

with Mr. Franklin?

- Of course. Maya would never

say anything bad about me, anyway.

And my brother's a fag,

so, yeah... definitely one.

(manOkay, one last series.

Um...

summer.

- Uh, winter.

- Think as creatively

as you can.

Dog.

Cat?

- Clown. -

Listen. - Party.

- Vagina.

- Penis.

- Relationship.

- Uh... breakup.

- Breathe.

- Suck.

Excrement.

- Sh*t.

- Slow.

Stupid.

- Play.

- Theatre?

- Dragon.

- Animal. (sighing)

- Water.

- So...

what is going on here?

- What do you mean?

- I'm not seeing superstars.

They're hesitant,

they're docile,

they're... average.

- Average?!

- It means the opposite

of superstar.

- With all due respect, things

are looking pretty positive.

- We're not looking for

"pretty positive," Catherine.

I tell you all the time,

so I'll tell you again:

Now, these results

need to be rock-hard solid.

The study needs to be

like a slap in the face.

- Our results

are rock-hard solid.

We're gonna be, uh,

slapping a lot of faces.

- We're deep

into the last year here, people.

There's no room for complacency.

Capisce?

We capisce.

Totally capisce.

- And may I remind you

that our deal clearly states

that if this fails or blows up in

your face, you pay me back every penny.

Well, we're not failing.

Well, I'm no Randy Warhol,

but answering "cat"

when the question is "dog"

is not a sign

of artistic genius.

He was being ironic.

Oh.

Did he learn that

from his mother, do you think?

I don't doubt it.

Hmm.

Neither do I.

(soft music)

Cut the Little House on the Prairie

routine and get your sh*t together.

Okay. Drive safe.

- Who wants a warm bowl

of bisque?

That sounds lovely.

You guys go ahead.

(beep)

(line ringing)

- Just saw Tweedledum

and Tweedledee.

We need a powwow ASAP.

Everything okay?

- Call Kukiku.

I need a goddamn rub.

(neck cracking)

Yeah, it's me. He needs a rub.

(soft music)

(panting)

(narrator):
Gertz came to visit

twice a year, like clockwork.

It was usually

a cheerful formality

that ended

with too many vodka martinis.

But today, Ben and Catherine

felt no cheer.

No cheer at all.

(loud thump)

(Maya):
Ow! Ow! That hurts!

(Maurice):
Oh, it hurts?

Ah!

(Luke):
Swing it harder!

Put your whole weight behind it.

- Oh!

(laughter)

(Maya):
Bend over, bend over!

(Maurice):
Three and a-two,

and a-one and a...

- Ow!

(laughter)

(Maya):
I want to go again!

I want to go again!

(Luke):
Ow. Good one. - Turn

around, turn... - Alright, fine.

(groaning)

(laughter)

- Hey! You stop that!

What are you doing?!

- Nothing.

- It's just a game.

- You're hurting yourselves!

- That's the point.

Oh, to hurt yourselves?

Sammy, just give it a minute,

please.

- Mom, it's just a game. Relax.

- It's totally cool.

No, not cool! Now...

go to your rooms.

This is bullshit!

Rooms! Now!

Not you.

Sammy.

Yes.

- I need some anger-discharge

training here, please.

Right away. (sighing) Oh, yes.

I know what to do.

Here we go again,

little pitbull.

Time to fix you. Come.

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