Birthmarked Page #3

This is your lucky day.

Do you feel the serotonin

flowing through your veins?

- Not really.

- You will, you will.

Okay. Very nice.

Two more minutes.

(footsteps approaching)

Kids are asleep.

(brushing teeth): What do we do?

- What?

What do we do?

- About Gertz?

- Yeah, Gertz.

- What can we do?

- Well...

we have to do something.

- Well, I'm more concerned

about the slapping.

- The... the paddle thing?

- Yeah. It was weird.

- Meh... kids. That's what

kids do. They horse around.

Still, it's... it's weird.

Well, Gertz is weirder.

But he's right, you know. We

can't afford to be complacent.

Ugh, God, I really need

to integrate flossing

more regularly

in my daily routine.

Can you remind me, Cath?

(slurping)

(military drumming)

Theatre... is an act of war.

(military drumming)

Let the play speak for itself.

(military drumming)

- The children slapping

their butts with the paddles

was a curious event,

to say the least. Very curious.

But I...

(glass breaking)

Oof.

Uh...

Come on.

Show's about to start.

- I am finishing up

the monthly report.

I will be there in two minutes.

I must get laid very soon.

Yes.

(cassette rewinding)

I must get laid very soon.

- Hello, and welcome

to the premiere of Kitty Kat.

A Q&A will follow.

Enjoy the show.

(cheering)

- Looks like you with a

beard. - Really? - Yeah.

- I think he's playing Lincoln.

- The following story may sound unbelievable,

but I assure you

that every word of it is true.

My name is Bobby and I've

lived on a farm my whole life.

(chuckling)

I inherited the farm

from my daddy,

who inherited it

from his daddy before him.

I'm what Cal Smith would call

a real country bumpkin.

(Country Bumpkin playing)

(whispering):
Country bumpkin?

- Living on a farm is hard work

and I love every minute of it.

But it can be lonely.

Really lonely.

I'm so lonely.

- The long days make it

practically impossible

for a guy like me

to meet any women.

But all that changed last week when I

noticed a car just farther up the road.

The hood was popped open and the

sweetest little ass I have ever seen

was bent over

checking out the engine.

Her name was Kitty Kat.

- I'm Kitty,

but you can call me Kitty Kat.

(Ben):
Hmm.

- I stared at her long and hard.

Flowing blond hair

and her hard breasts

bursting out

of her snug white T.

- Excuse me?

- Shhh.

- The moment was electric.

We barely spoke,

and before I knew it, I was

rubbing up against her backside.

Okay, okay, show's over.

- My johnson was purring

like a V8.

Within minutes

I was balls-deep inside her.

- Okay, yeah...

- I said enough. What is this?

Who wrote this?

Where'd you get it?

- Uh, from the book.

Uh, Penthouse Magazine.

- I need some air.

- It's not...

Luke,

I'm-I'm disappointed in you.

I mean, you should really, really let

your characters speak for themselves.

The use of a narrator,

it's weak dramaturgy.

It really is. Okay.

Lock it up.

Catherine? Sweetie?

Confirm your status,

or I'll be forced

to break down this door.

- Leave me alone.

- Oh, come on, let me in, please. Cath.

(Catherine sighing)

You okay?

- Our kids just put on a play

based on pornographic material.

I'm as far from okay as one can

be and I have a f***ing migraine.

- I just asked Samsonov

to lock up his skin mags, so...

- Good work, Columbo.

Problem solved.

- Catherine, you're gonna start

driving yourself crazy with this.

You're just having

a mild panic attack.

Okay? Go for a run.

Do something.

(scoffing)

- You just don't get it, do you?

- I know you're upset.

- You're damn right I'm upset.

- I'm sorry.

I will lock everything up.

My private collection

will soon be like Fort Knox.

- That's great.

How do you want to handle this?

What you want me to do?

- I want you to care that Maurice wants to be "ball

- deep" into Maya!

- Oh, come on, it's a play.

Fictional characters.

They probably don't even know

what "ball-deep" means.

(laughing):
Oh, yes, they do!

- Big deal.

Our son just directed

his first play.

These...

are rock-hard-solid results.

- I don't care about...!

F*** Gertz!

I want to get

an outside opinion.

- About what?

- Well, I want to know if...

fake-humping your sister onstage

in front of your parents

is part of the normal sexual

development of a child.

(chuckling)

- Of course it is.

- You think this is funny?

- No?

- What if it's deviant

sexual development?

And what about the whole canoe

ass-slapping incident?

What if it all adds up to, uh...

dissociative behaviour?

- Deviant sexual development?

(indistinct conversation)

(whispering):
We need to focus

on what's important here.

Gertz is right.

We need results.

Oh, honey pie,

we're so close.

No... What are you doing?

- I am reassuring you.

- Mom?

Maurice put this on my bed.

- Oh my G... Just get rid of it.

- Can I put it on his bed?

- No! Just get rid of it!

And put on some decent clothing

while you're at it!

- Mom's right. Just get rid of it, honey.

- God!

- Catherine, Catherine, Catherine,

Catherine, just let it all go.

- Don't say my name repeatedly.

It's condescending.

Okay.

- I just want someone who

can tell me my kids are okay.

(Maya):
Mom? Dad?

(gurgling)

- You tried to flush it?

- Why not?

- Oh, come on,

you're smarter than that.

Clearly not.

(Catherine sighing)

We need help.

Okay, I want Julie.

Never.

Why not?

Ne-ver.

(Iron Maiden's The Number

of the Beast blasting)

(relieved groaning)

(cracking)

(narrator):
Dr. Julie Bouchard

was a child psychiatrist

and an old friend

of Catherine's

whom she had not seen

in over a decade.

- Hey!

(screaming laughter)

Ben despised Julie.

(excited chatter)

- I'm so happy to see you!

He considered her

a mediocre scientist at best,

and attributed

her academic success

to her sculpted cheekbones.

- Hi, Ben.

- Hey, Julie.

Looking good.

- Yeah.

(laughter)

- How's the, uh...

how's the old campus?

- I'm running three labs now.

- Wow!

- Published four times

last year.

Yeah, life's good, life's good.

- My God! That's amazing! Congratulations!

- How about you guys?

How's country living?

- Yeah. Life is... it's, uh...

it's very good.

It's pretty sweet.

- Great.

Great.

Julie, thank you so much for, you

know, coming all this way. Long trip.

Uh... but, uh, to be honest,

I think that my wife -

my lovely wife -

may have overreacted.

A little bit. A smidge.

And the kids are fine,

they're really fine,

really great.

They're f***ing awesome.

- Ben, please.

- We cool here?

- We cool.

Cool.

- I... Okay, so I thought

I'd take them out,

see how they operate

on their own.

- Sounds good to me.

- We should stick around here. We usually take them out.

- Don't worry, Ben. We'll be back

by suppertime. Where are the kids?!

Yeah.

- Hi!

- Hi.

Sammy.

(Catherine):
Luke! Guys?!

"Luke! Guys!"

- It's always Luke and the two others.

- Oh, shut up.

I got a surprise! Come on!

- Coming!

What the hell is wrong with her?

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