Bitter Feast

---

1

- "The giants

who formed this world

"and now seem to live in it

in chains

"are actually

the cause of its life

"and the source

of all activity.

"But the chains are the cunning

of weak and tame minds,

"thus the proverb,

"'The weak in courage

are strong in cunning.'

"Thus the one portion of being

is the Producer,

"the other,

the Destroyer.

"To the Destroyer,

"it seems like the Producer

is in his chains.

"But it is not so.

"He only takes tiny bits

of existence

"and thinks

it is the whole thing.

"These two classes of men

are always upon the earth,

"and they should be enemies.

"Whoever tries

to reconcile them

seeks to destroy existence."

- I don't wanna play this game

no more.

- Silence.

Prepare for battle.

- I gotta pee.

- En garde, sh*t stain!

- Ow!

- P*ssy!

- I'll give you ten seconds,

and then I'm coming in

after you.

I am the Destroyer!

I'm gonna get you, Peter!

Fight!

I'm the Destroyer!

- Welcome to

The Feast with Peter Grey.

Today's feast,

venison steaks

and a maple syrup crme brle.

- These venison steaks

are from Sullivan County

from a doe that I shot

and butchered myself.

- Ew, Peter!

- What?

- That's that's Bambi.

Wah-wah-wah.

- Come on, Peg.

I mean, hunting is one

of the most fundamentally

human acts.

We've been doing it

for thousands of years.

- It's gross.

- It's, uh...

it is organic.

It is sustainable.

I mean, if you want gross,

spend five minutes

on the kill floor

of any commercial

slaughterhouse.

I'm sure that you'll never eat

supermarket meat again.

- When we come back,

The Feast continues with

- With crme brle

made from locally harvested

maple syrup.

Don't go away.

- I mean, I really can't take

any more of this.

I can't.

He's not working with me at all.

- I don't know what

he's under a lot of stress.

- What the f***

was that all about?

- What?

- I was riffing in there,

a**hole.

Riffing?

- Tell him what they said.

- Tell me what?

- Peter, would it kill you

to just play along

every once in a while?

- No, tell him what they said.

- Bambi?

You thought

that was hysterical.

- No, it was a joke.

The audience

was rolling in the aisles.

- It was f***ing idiotic.

That's what it was.

- I can't work

with this a**hole.

- I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Thank you.

- I wouldn't call what you do

work.

The only thing missing from her

is a fart in a kazoo.

- Nice.

That's helpful.

- Just get another one, Phil.

They're a dime a dozen.

- It's just not working anymore.

- Look, Peter, Peter,

you knew

what you were getting into

when you signed up for this.

You do the cooking.

Peg provides

a touch of folksy levity.

- But she goes too far.

I mean, everything

is a joke, Phil.

- That's what

the audience wants.

- Well, it's not what I want.

It's not what the show

was supposed to be.

I mean, I would like people

to learn something.

- No, ah, ah.

They don't want to learn

something, Peter.

They want to be entertained.

You used to understand that,

but you've changed.

- Well, now here it starts.

- The on-air rants,

the pompous lectures.

It's ratings poison, man.

- I don't care about

the ratings.

Don't talk to me about

the ratings!

- Okay, okay.

You know what?

The word from the front office

is that thanks to a major dip

in those ratings

which you care so little about,

they are most likely

not renewing

The Feast with Peter Grey

for the fall.

- You can't be serious.

- I'm dead serious.

Congratulations,

Mr. Integrity.

- Hey, all.

What's the matter?

What's going on?

Come on, we have dinner

in less than two hours.

Chop! Chop!

What the hell is going on?

Where is everybody?

"Feast reviewed

by J.T. Franks.

"I've lost count

"of the Alice Waters-inspired

New Americans

"that I've reviewed

in the West Village,

"all of them terrible.

"Peter Grey's exercise

"in masturbatory

pretentiousness, Feast,

has done nothing

to up the average."

- Go on.

- "Many of you know Peter Grey

for his insufferable

"and increasingly

skin-crawlingly awkward

"sustainable-organo-themed

"cable television series,

The Feast With Peter Grey,

"which, rumor has it,

"is teetering on the brink

of cancellation.

"The city's diners

"should be considering

themselves fortunate

if the same fate befalls

this dud of a restaurant."

Oh, f*** Franks.

- F*** Franks?

- He creates nothing.

- Dude, he creates

public opinion,

ergo, he creates everything.

- Gordon,

he's a f***ing food blogger.

- You just don't get it.

It's a f***ing disaster.

Is it true?

- Is what true?

- About the show

being cancelled?

- Well, what if it was?

I've been wanting to focus more

on my cooking anyway.

- Focus on your cooking?

Are you f***ing kidding me?

Bill Haythe just called.

They've decided to put

the expansion plans on hold,

which means they're dead.

Ditto with the line

of Peter Grey cookware.

Dude, without your TV face

going on the screen every day,

you have f***ing nothing.

There's no cooking

to focus on.

- This is insanity, Gordon.

We were just getting started.

- Peter, let me give you

a little advice here.

This whole organic,

sustainable, green shtick,

it's a down economy.

People don't give a damn

where their hamburger comes from

or how it got to them.

They just want it

to taste good.

- So what now?

- The sous-chef

from Marlow and Sons

is gonna be in

this afternoon.

He's taking over

the kitchen.

- I'm fired?

- My hands are tied.

- Gordon, this is my life.

- Dude,

you're a talented guy,

a little pretentious

scratch that.

You're a lot pretentious.

I agree with Franks

on that one.

Anyway,

you'll land on your feet.

- I am the Destroyer!

I'm gonna get you, Peter!

I am the Destroyer!

No! Stop!

No!

I've really hurt my ankle.

Johnny, stop, come on.

- Silence!

Crunch!

- I'd give you

the ocean

I'd give you the sky

if I could

I'd push it all back

between the sidewalk cracks

of your neighborhood

Neighborhood

Soldiers of misfortune

Fight for something

they can't see

- How is everything?

- Pardon?

- Do you, uh,

need anything else?

- I'd love a little joy.

- Excuse me?

- Maybe a bowl or a dish,

a plate,

a trough of joy

would be wonderful.

- L...

I don't understand.

- I know.

Can I get the

can I get the check, please?

- "Of all the items offered

on the menu at Le Suc,

"they left off

the only one I would order

"if ever I paid

a return visit.

"That item would be

a time machine,

"with which I would go back

"to recapture

the hour and seven minutes

"Chef Daniel Berlow

pilfered from me

on my first visit."

Another scathing review.

How nice.

- Public demands raw meat.

I just give it to them.

- "L learned that

'Le Suc' means 'juice,'

"so I can't say the experience

was an entire wash.

"As for the food,

one word:

vomitus."

Vomitus?

Is that even a word?

- Yep.

- How can you write this sh*t?

- Just playing my role, babe.

- And what role would that be?

- The Iron Sheik.

- The who?

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes