Black Cadillac

( footsteps )

( car door slams )

( engine sputtering )

( engine revving )

( tires screeching )

- ( crowd chanting )

Chug! Chug! Chug!

- ( country music playing )

( chanting continues )

Chug! Chug! Chug!

Ain't that a man, huh?!

Whoo!

( belches )

She let her hair

hang down

She's been

out on the town

I think she's

fooling around...

So, how old are you

anyway, Billy?

Oh, it's Robby,

actually.

Robby Katzen,

but you can call me

Billy if you want.

- And I'm 20.

- 20?

( forced laugh )

So what do you do?

- You work, you go

to school or what?

- I go to school.

- High school?

- College.

- Bullshit.

- No, it's not

bullshit at all.

As a matter of fact,

I currently attend

the University of Minnesota.

Look, you don't have

to bullshit me, you know?

I see guys like you

in here all the time:

Minnesota, high school,

fake IDs.

You ain't 18 and you

don't have to lie to me.

You're probably

gonna get some anyway.

I am?

Hey, come on!

Off the car!

- ( chuckles )

- Jesus!

Sorry...

Oh, my boyfriend

goes to Yale.

I think that is just

too cool for school.

- Hey, listen--

- You know who goes there?

- Yale, I mean?

- Who?

Claire Danes.

- Do you know her?

- No.

Do you think

I look like her?

I mean,

not the hair, but...

Yeah, just like her.

I could get used

to the way that you talk to me.

I gotta get

outta here, you know?

I gotta get out

of this place, this life.

Where is Yale, anyway?

It's in Connecticut.

That's far enough.

...All day

Along come

a bottle of red wine

Gonna wash

my blues away

That's my excuse

For these

wasted blues...

- So you wanna

know how I got it?

- What?

The "what" you can't

take your eyes off.

How did you get it?

It's okay, you can tell me.

I'm studying to be a nurse.

- I love nurses.

- ( both chuckle )

Unbuckle those pants,

cowboy!

- ( unzips )

- Oh, finally.

Okay, so, I had

this dog Rinny.

And when my parents

had a baby,

Rinny got a little jealous,

ripped into me, teeth

and claws--

the whole antiseptic

hospital drama.

I knew my old man

was gonna kill him,

so I set Rinny free.

That's just about

the kindest thing

I have ever heard.

Well, I'm watching

him run.

And I look up

and see in the window

the reflection of my face.

So I figure, "Why should

this goddamn dog

get to run free

while I gotta walk around

looking like this?

Like f***ing Quasimodo?"

So, I shot him...

in the eye.

Payback.

That's the story

of C.J. and the dog.

What?

Hey, maybe I could

come and visit you sometime,

you know, like you

promised last year.

Yeah, sure,

that'd be great.

Tomorrow?

I mean, we could just

try it out for a while

and see what happens.

C.J.:

Crush your head.

Hmm, crush your head.

Crush your head.

Spare you.

Cru--

- Hey, zipper face.

- Zipper face?

I can only assume

you're referring to me.

- What did you say to Denise?

- Who?

Don't "Who?"

The chick you freaked.

Did you grab her ass?

I would remember that,

wouldn't I?

No, I don't believe I did,

my fine...

corpulent friend.

Well, you sure as sh*t

did something 'cause

she said you--

Stop!

Please, you're about to say

what you think I did.

I'll deny it.

You'll say, "Why don't

we step outside?"

I'll say, "Okay."

Then out there,

macho around a little bit,

then you two

would kick my ass.

So why don't we just...

save ourselves the headache

and get it on right here?

Besides, anything

you may do to my face

would be an improvement.

So let's let

the games begin, b*tches.

( both laughing )

( rock music playing )

( gasps )

Hey!

- Hey, go get him!

- Come on.

God damn it, C.J.!

Girl:

Friend of yours?

C.J.:

Oh, hi, gentlemen!

( rock music playing )

Oh, whoa.

Why don't we just

take it easy? Oh, sh*t!

Man #2:

Hit him!

Motherf***er, come on.

Men:
Yeah!

( sighs )

C.J.

- Sh*t.

- ( zips pants )

I'll be right back.

We like rock

American style

We like rock

American style...

Hey, hey.

Hold up, hold on.

Come on! Come on, man!

Wild child,

she wants to -- you

Walk and hit

the ground, child

We like rock

American style

We like rock

American style...

Robby:

Scott, look out!

We like rock

American style

Scared to go

on top!

Oh yeah, yeah!

Jesus, C.J.,

always putting me in such

an awkward position.

Look, if it's

all right with you guys,

why don't we just--

why don't we just

pretend this whole thing

never happened, huh?

I mean, you guys look

like you're cool and...

Look, these guys

after a few brews, I know.

I know, they're--

they're jerks.

So, uh...

come on, guys.

Let's go.

- Let's go, go, go.

- ( slaps )

- Oh.

- Let's go.

Again, again,

really sorry.

He'll be okay.

- ( laughs ) Yeah!

- Man, that was beautiful!

Just keep walking.

Stop walking like that.

You guys didn't do anything

except almost get killed.

Christ, I can't

leave you two for a second.

C.J. and Robby:

Sorry, Dad.

Listen, there's

someone in the Saab.

- Cool.

- Someone?

Is this a sexless someone

or does this someone

have a sex?

Shut up.

Now I hope you two

will behave

and not be complete

slobbering zit factories.

- This sexless

someone has split?

- Huh?

- In the car.

- ( crowd yelling )

Oh sh*t, come on.

Go, go, go!

C.J.:

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

- Robby:
Go, baby, go!

- So long, cheeseheads!

- And good night, Wisconsin!

- Whoo! Whoo!

Whoo!

That was beautiful!

We Eastwooded the joint!

Those clowns went down

like bowling pins, man.

Bap! Wah! Pah!

Whoo! Pah!

Hmm, the sexless someone

wears Chloe?

So why'd you start

the fight... this time?

Why do you always

think it's me, Scott?

- Because it always is?

- Oh, hey, hey,

so I'm sitting

in the bar,

and I look out

the window,

and I see this Saab

just swaying away

like a ship at sea.

Now tell me, what set

that Saab a-rockin'?

You know,

a Yale man doesn't

discuss such matters.

- Oh, we need details!

- Lurid details, Yalie.

I have details.

All right, for the first time

in my life, I have details!

She pins me against

the wall and sticks her tongue

halfway down my throat.

- I think I'm

gonna gag, but I--

- Very brave of you, my son.

And then without me

having to ask,

she drops down

to her knees and she--

( sighs )

she starts doing things I've

only seen on the internet, man.

Oh-oh-oh!

This night is gonna

be a classic, man!

A flat-out classic!

The last stand

of the Three Musketeers!

Ah, two and a half,

little brother.

Look, I don't

wanna get all "Felicity"

all over the place,

but I sincerely

want to thank you guys

for bringing me along

on your annual pilgrimage

to the wonderful land

of the fake IDs.

But I gotta say, C.J.,

man, one of these days...

One of these days what?

One of these days you're

gonna get us into something

Scott's not gonna

be able to get us out of.

Never gonna happen.

Not in a million,

jillion years.

Because Scott--

Scotty-- Scott-tay

is "the man,"

the man with the plan.

Ain't that right, Scooter?

- Take it easy.

- Hey, I'm easy.

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