Blades Of Glory

(CON TE PARTIRO PLAYING)

I'll take him.

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

(SONG CONTINUES)

LAMPLEY:
Jimmy MacElroy.

The crowd swooning

as he comes out of that spin flawlessly.

SCOTT:
They are giving him the love

and he is giving it right back.

Here it comes.

And he nails it!

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

It's the best he's been.

LAMPLEY:
Now there's the arm.

And you know what that means.

SCOTT:
Yes. The galloping peacock.

And look at him getting air on that.

Flawless. Just textbook perfection.

There are very few women

in the history of this sport

that skate with this kind of beauty.

Come on, Jimmy. Nail it!

Ending the programme

showing his flexibility.

What a great effort!

(MUSIC STOPS)

He couldn't skate any better than that.

The performance of a lifetime,

Jimmy MacElroy!

LAMPLEY:
Elegant with

machine-like technical precision.

SCOTT:
And there it is.

So important to remember that

that dove was in his suit the whole time.

LAMPLEY:
Jimmy's renowned

for his personal hygiene, Scott.

But after that performance,

he's starting to reek of gold.

While the judges decide Jimmy's fate,

let's take a look

at this exceptional young skater.

He is a child of privilege.

A classic skater defined

by elegance, precision

and an ability to endure great pain.

He was plucked from an orphanage

at age four

by billionaire champion-maker,

Darren MacElroy.

Once a breeder of some of the most

successful racehorses in the world,

Darren had turned his attention

to nurturing athletically advanced

human orphans.

His ultimate find came in the form

of skating wunderkind, Jimmy.

I guess I had a pretty normal childhood.

LAMPLEY:

With his father's state of the art,

some say questionable,

training methods,

this child prodigy

was forged into an ber skater.

Soon, Jimmy was sweeping the gold

while his trademark Jimmy curl

was sweeping the nation,

with kids of all ages fashion drafting

right behind their idol.

A champion, an icon, a giver.

Jimmy MacElroy,

skating's Little Orphan Awesome.

(MAN WHOOPING)

- Well, Coach?

- You nailed it, Jimmy. You nailed it.

You nailed it shut.

Every move exactly like I showed you.

I am so proud of you.

Thanks. Dad, what'd you think?

Decided on our own to do

a little flourish off the triple, did we?

Look, I knew I had it.

I just felt like it needed a little...

Feeling? We're feeling now?

What are you teaching this boy?

Jimmy!

I sent you a cup of my blood!

Did you get my blood? Jimmy!

Please don't encourage them. Come on.

Move!

They may look cute and innocent

but they're nothing

but a beehive for germs and bacteria.

- Remember the slides I showed you?

- But they're beautiful.

You smell like a winner!

You want to smell like...

- WOMAN:
Ladies and gentlemen...

- Jimmy!

- I'll call you!

- ...the judges' scores are:

5.9, 5.9, 6.0,

5.9, 6.0, 5.8.

All right, not bad, not bad.

As long as that 5.8 doesn't kill us.

Hands.

Skittles.

Hey, MacElroy. Was that your routine?

Or a performance

of Cirque du So-lame?

Besides, you're too late.

They already handed out

the girls' medals this morning.

JIMMY:
Shut up, Michaels.

That was textbook execution.

Same scores I beat you with in Oslo.

I was on Quaaludes.

I don't even remember Oslo.

But I remember Boston,

and that victory was

as sweet as the cream pie

for which the town was named.

(THE STROKE PLAYING)

Step aside, home school.

There's a new sheriff in town.

MAN:
Chazz!

LAMPLEY:
There he is. Skating's outlaw,

Chazz Michael Michaels.

SCOTT:
This cowboy

is cracking his whip

on the haunch of this crowd,

and they love it!

How do you describe

something like that?

He just uses everything at his disposal.

The movement, the music.

And he just nails the triple Axel!

LAMPLEY:
Surfing a tsunami

of swagger right now.

SCOTT:
Well, you know

he is sex on ice.

LAMPLEY:
Hello, ladies. Typical of

Michaels, it's not enough just to win.

He wants to make love to the crowd.

SCOTT:
That's why

those seats are so valuable.

That's what they want

from Chazz Michael Michaels.

(SCREAMING)

(INAUDIBLE)

LAMPLEY:
Michaels just

slipped MacElroy a very public note.

You have been called out, sir.

(EXPLOSION)

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

You're welcome, Stockholm.

LAMPLEY:
Unreal. An instant classic.

SCOTT:
Just when you think

you've seen it all,

Chazz Michael Michaels walks in

with the unrated version.

LAMPLEY:
The undefeatable underdog,

ice skating's backdoor lover,

Chazz Michael Michaels has come

in here and captivated this arena

like a stack of classic Euro porn.

And so while his scores

are being tabulated,

let's learn a little bit more

about skating's Leather-clad Lothario.

Chazz Michael Michaels,

an ice-devouring sex tornado.

Spawned in the hell-fires of Motown.

CHAZZ:
Troubled childhood?

If you call being a nine-year-old kid

with a 35-year-old girlfriend troubled.

LAMPLEY:
At age 12,

Chazz escaped a life of

running cigarettes and illegal fireworks

by becoming a star in Detroit's

underground sewer skating scene.

The only skater to win four national

championships and an adult film award,

which is not to say this rough-hewn

heartthrob doesn't have a softer side.

He recently published a book of poetry,

Let Me Put My Poems in You.

Before a big competition,

I like to work with leather.

The Native Americans always said

that working with hides and pelts

releases the soul.

These are a couple of diaper bags

I made for Faith Hill.

LAMPLEY:
Two men, only one winner.

Will it be Chazz Michael Michaels?

Personal philosophy: clothing optional.

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

Hope you brought your silver polish,

MacElroy, 'cause that was gold.

That was disgusting.

That, young man,

is how babies are made.

- Get out of my face.

- I'll get inside your face.

Mr. Michael Michaels,

please gather your coach,

family, and friends

and move to the bench

to await your scores.

Hey, traffic cop. Get this straight.

I don't have a coach. I don't need one.

And as for friends and family,

Chazz Michael Michaels walks alone.

That's why they call me the Lone Wolf,

on my back there.

WOMAN:
5.9, 5.9, 6.0...

That's what I'm talking about.

5.9, 6.0...

Another 6.0.

...5.8.

CHAZZ:
Was it good for you,

Stockholm?

'Cause it was good for me.

Let's have a smoke.

Eat that, MacElroy.

Those were the same scores

I got, Einstein. We're tied.

You're high.

MAN:
Ladies and gentlemen,

we have a tie.

From the United States,

Jimmy MacElroy

and Chazz Michael Michaels.

You're fired.

What? I brought you a gold medal.

No, you brought me half a gold medal.

If I wanted him to share,

I'd have bought him a brother.

LAMPLEY:
It's raining men in the

men's singles. Men wearing gold, that is.

And they join Team USA's

other gold medalists,

the pairs team of

Stranz and Fairchild Van Waldenberg.

Stranz and Fairchild Van Waldenberg,

America's brother and sister darlings,

the gold standard

of pairs figure skating.

Children of

beloved Swiss skiing gold medalists,

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