Blame It on the Bellboy Page #2

Well, yes, but he's very busy.

He doesn't like me ringing...

[Orton yells]

One, two, three.

A spot of gardening?

Can I join you?

I must say, a bit backward

in coming forward. Patricia Fulford.

"Of Huddersfield.

Interests, Mickey Spillane and eating.

"Seeks similar fun lover."

Are you all right?

Are you shy?

Terribly, terribly shy.

I've seen you following me,

trying to pluck up courage.

Here I am, I'm all yours.

It didn't say you were shy

in your file. Or musical.

Hunting and shooting, it said.

Look.

Would it make things easier for you

if we just had a stroll?

Most clients would never bother

with this.

- Clients.

- It's straight in there.

That's the way

they want to do things nowadays.

Some of them want to do it

on the phone. It's unbelievable.

That's the modern world for you.

You sound as though you're not new

to this... game.

No, been at it for years.

- Oh, isn't it beautiful?

- Let's go in here.

- This'll do.

- Yes.

What for?

What line of work are you in?

I'm a bank manager.

- Are you married?

- No, absolutely not.

- Didn't you see my file?

- Your file?

- I'm a widower.

- I'm sorry.

It was long time ago.

She was a very good wife, Rosemary.

Tragic, really.

Camping in Wales.

She used to run a girl scout group.

One night, she nipped into the tent

to answer nature's call.

Tripped over a guy rope. Tent peg...

Oh, my God!

Still, I honestly believe, if she was

looking down on us now...

she wouldn't disapprove.

You know...

This sort of rigmarole.

That's nice.

Shame she can't be here

to enjoy it with you.

Yeah.

- Marshall?

- Sir, it's Melvyn.

Melvyn who?

Orton, sir.

In Venice, looking at the villa, sir.

Ah, you. What's it like?

I still haven't seen it yet, sir.

I just phoned to say that everything

is under control.

Jesus, Orton, you d*ckhead.

Do you want the sack?

I told you to look at the bloody thing

and to ring me when you've seen it.

I'm busy, Orton,

and you're a pain in the ass.

[dead line]

He knows me.

You are a worm.

Sorry?

You just sit there and take that sh*t?

- He's my boss.

- He insulted you.

And you just sit there?

If anyone insulted me,

I would have their knees blown off.

Well, I don't have your...

facilities.

You don't have the guts.

Life is not worth living

if you live it like a worm.

I am... not a worm. Honestly.

You take that with you everywhere,

then?

Just about.

- I'd love to hear you play some time.

- I'll play now.

- Any requests?

- Oh, gosh!

I don't know. What about

Strangers In The Night?

Feelings.

# Feelings, nothing more than feelings

# Trying to forget my...

[screaming]

Oh, my God!

[wails]

You know what these are for, uh?

- How you say in English?

- [sobs]

[wails]

Testicles, testicles... testicles...

I am not an assassin.

Wait, you've made

a mistake somewhere...

Wait, wait, wait! That's it!

Horton! There's a Mr. Horton

at my hotel!

- And what are you?

- Orton. Orton. With no H.

Orton with no balls

if you lie.

Well, they're out this time.

Find a perfect partner.

What do I get? Charles Bronson.

- Medi-Date. They want locking up.

- Medi-Date exists?

- Of course.

- A mistake.

Of course! You have a gun, Maurice.

Maurice?

That's one of mine.

You should see his album.

There is a chance you'll be in it.

Yuk! This is horrible. Come on.

Beautiful, isn't it?

Absolutely beautiful.

Yes.

What are you doing?

You said yourself

you want to take things further.

- Yes, but...

- You're quite right. My fault.

Just me being impatient.

Yes, everything's so...

So beautiful. Venice.

The Grand Canal. Your neck.

Jesus Christ! Drop me off, will you?

Over here. Quickly.

Okay, which hotel are you in?

Umm...

Over there.

Gianni, Rossi! Pull him out of there.

Caroline, what is it with you?

One minute you want us

to do this business.

Of course I do!

I'm on triple commission.

Last chance. Do you want it?

Well, yes, obviously.

- You'll pay cash?

- Pay?

You can't have it

unless you pay cash.

I've never had to...

All right, but it had better be

pretty special hanky-panky if...

Hanky-panky?

Hang on a minute.

What you're saying is,

you're only going to pay cash...

if I have sex with you?

Yes.

You lechers make me puke!

[Orton wails]

He's down there!

He must have gone this way.

It's all right, really.

Now we've sorted out the muddle

and you're not Maurice,

I can manage, honestly.

Shut up!

You've got his information, he's got

yours. I'll get him to give it to you.

- I'll give it to you.

- I thought you'd say that.

[whimpers]

I'd like to check out.

You've reserved for a week.

Are you sure?

100 percent sure.

Give me the bill, will you?

- Thank you.

- I won't be coming back here...

- S, signore?

- I'd like to check in.

- Are you sure?

- 100 percent sure.

Good girl.

That's the spirit.

Strictly business, right?

Eccoci qua. Signore Orton is here.

- Finally, thank you.

- You're welcome.

There he is. Signore Orton!

Your wife is here.

- That is not my husband.

- He is!

- You're Signore Orton?

- Mike Lawton!

I'm looking for Horton.

Maurice Horton.

Eccoci qua. I'll telephone.

No, take me to his room.

It's a surprise.

Speedboat! Speedboat!

What?

Nothing.

Oh... carry on, tiger.

[growls]

[bell]

[groans and laughs]

Permesso?

Signore Orton. I have a big surprise

for you.

For crying out loud,

that is not my husband.

Is it really that difficult?

Maurice Horton.

Big misunderstood.

Sorry, excuse us.

- Sorry, boys.

- Maurice Horton.

So, what's the form? Do I pay now?

You don't carry that sort of cash?

What sort are we talking about?

How much do you think it's worth?

It's all new to me.

60?

80?

100?

Okay, 100. 100,000 is about right.

100,000? No, I was talking pounds.

Well, so am I. 100,000.

What?

Are you deaf as well as debauched?

Watch my mouth. 100,000.

100,000 for a bit of rumpy-pumpy?

Hor...

Hor...

Horto...

Hort... Horto...

Horton!

What the hell is Medi-Date?

What the hell are Veni Villas?

Hor... Hor...

Hor... Hor...

Horton.

I live in England.

What do I want a villa in Venice for?

Look. I wouldn't let you

screw me for nothing.

[knock at door]

I'm afraid you just did, sweetheart.

Hor...

- Horton.

- Yes.

- Horton. With a H?

- Yes.

- I have a big surprise.

- Look... Rosemary!

Maurice.

Thank you.

You've been a great help.

What on earth are you wearing?

What are you doing here, Rosemary?

What do you think

I am doing here, darling?

I was shopping in Sainsbury's.

Guess who I met by the frozen fish.

That girl who works in your branch.

Amanda...

Stainrod?

Amanda Stainrod.

"Good heavens, Mrs. Horton,"

she said. "Back already?"

"Back?" I said.

"From Venice," she said, "how was it?"

I'm not going to stand in Sainsbury's

and tell the whole town

that their lord mayor

goes on holiday without his wife.

And that as far as I'm concerned,

he was at conference in Buxton.

Am I?

- "Very nice," I said, "It was very nice."

- Look, Rosemary.

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