Blame It on the Bellboy Page #3

So I went home and I thought,

why should Amanda bloody Stainrod

think that you're in Venice

while I think you're in Buxton?

"Simple, Rosemary," I thought,

"It's another woman."

Rosemary...

What I should be telling

the whole town

is that their lord mayor is away,

doubtless at rate-payers' expense,

having a bit of Adriatic slap and tickle.

Look, Rosemary, you've got it all wrong.

[toilet flushes]

Now, this is going to look odd,

Rosemary.

Oh, hello.

This is my wife, Rosemary.

Hi. Welcome to Venice.

Thank you. I thought you said

your wife was... staying in England.

I thought you didn't want her to know.

Well, the cat's out of the bag now.

Hello, I'm Caroline Wright.

Veni Villas Estate Agency.

Your husband and I... sorry!

His lordship and I were just finalizing

the payment details on a villa.

A villa?

He was keen to get his hands

on at least one of my properties.

Being in his position,

he wanted it kept hush-hush.

He's buying through us because

we guarantee absolute discretion.

Rest assured that I won't tell

anyone what he's been up to.

Maurice... is this true?

I suppose I'd better say my arrivedercis.

So, you'll arrange

for that specified amount?

In cash. Italian lire. Tomorrow.

Like we said.

The keys to Villa Romano will be yours.

I'll call you and we can make a date.

As it were.

Ciao.

Ciao.

Oh, Maurice! I'm sorry!

What a wonderful, wonderful surprise!

It suits you, that shirt.

You're one of those hit men, aren't you?

A killer.

A paid killer.

Like Edward Fox in "Day Of The Jackal."

Why should you want to kill me?

Oh, my God!

Look, it says Medi-Date.

It's a dating agency. You're supposed

to fall in love not get shot at.

- You don't ask questions in my job.

- It's time you started.

I suppose you're going to keep me here.

I know too much.

I know too much?

I don't know anything.

This Maurice Horton. This assassin.

He's gonna die, you know that.

I didn't until you just told me, no.

I'm not interested.

I want to look around a villa.

If I don't, I'm out of a job.

Dead men don't need jobs.

When Maurice Horton dies,

you'll know who killed him.

Well, yes, I do.

Okay. Can't we pretend that I don't?

That's not the way we do things.

Tell me. When this pig dies,

and he will die,

how can we guarantee your silence?

I mean, guarantee?

I tell you, there are two ways.

Numero uno.

We kill you also.

Silence, a guarantee, no?

Oh. What is number two-o? Duo?

- Due.

- Due.

You kill him.

Of course, we will pay you big money,

so it will look voluntary.

See, we are not so unreasonable.

I...

So, they thought Mike Lawton

was Michael Horton? M. Horton.

Let's talk about this later.

I thought you'd choose something

more mysterious.

Lawton, a bit ordinary, isn't it?

It's meant to be ordinary.

Fine, but in the books

they're not so boring.

What are you suggesting?

Don't know. I'm not a killer.

I read one once where the...

You've got to learn

to give your mouth a rest.

This is secret business.

I don't want the world to know.

Oh, look, there she is.

That must be him.

God, he's no Clark Gable, is he?

I'll explain all that when I get back.

Don't argue about it! Do it!

Have you got a pen?

I want 100,000,

whatever that is in Italian lire,

to the Hotel Gabrielli

by 11:
00 tomorrow morning.

Gabrielli!

If he is that rich, I don't suppose it

matters that he's married. 100,000.

That's what I was getting.

What, exactly?

That was my fee.

I can do the business when you do it.

Make sure the cash gets here.

You got his envelope, he got yours.

He got the target, you got me.

He's done the job for you.

You're joking. He couldn't do it.

- Why not? Any fool could.

- I'm not a plumber.

- It's a highly skilled job.

- Rubbish!

He's got the instructions.

All he needs is the nerve, and wallop!

He's got your man... and your money.

I've done it

and that's how much it costs.

- Have you got a hairpin?

- What?

Oh, yes.

Bye.

Idiot.

Well... salute!

100,000 for my life!

He picks it up here tomorrow, boss.

Signore Horton is very... confident, no?

It would be very nice if we could take

his money as well as his life.

We could use it to pay you

when you kill the pig.

Mr. Scarpa, I can't shoot anybody.

I couldn't do it.

No, no, I know you could.

It's okay. No worry.

You use a bomb.

There it is.

Oh, come on!

I can't bear it.

"Miss Caroline Wright."

It was a woman.

- He killed a woman.

- The maid's coming.

Sleep well.

[distant music]

Patricia, I'm really sorry about

what happened earlier.

- Nearly happened.

- It's okay.

All part of the business, I expect.

Today, I've been stood up

by my date, a married man.

I've been aimed at by a hired killer,

had a gun held to my head,

been held captive against my will

by a strange man in a hotel room.

It's been one of the best days

of my life.

Really?

You can go now if you want.

You're not going to tell anyone.

No one to tell. Really, no one.

I'm missing and nobody knows.

When I'm not missing, nobody knows.

And often achieves a bulk of four tons...

Baby hippos.

The power in these ponderous jaws

is tremendous.

The life I lead is a mundane,

sick existence.

Lonely. You think you're lonely?

You should try being an assassin.

Don't meet many people

when you're an assassin.

Not for long, anyway.

Yes, but what a life.

- I bet you've some stories to tell.

- Who to?

Me.

I only needed this. I was gonna make

this the last big one then I'd get out.

- Buy a flower shop.

- A flower shop?

- You?

- Yeah.

Well...

That would be a change of direction.

- Now I've blown it.

- Get it back. He's done the work.

- It's your money.

- Steal it?

A bit below you, stealing?

- It's not as if he'll tell.

- Easier said than done.

Rubbish! We'll think of something.

Sorry to interrupt.

We're watching Horton!

Yes, sorry.

So, what's the plan?

- What?

- It's your idea. What now, boss?

It's easy.

We're stealing the money from him.

Right? Well, when is the best time

to do that, then?

At the perfect moment.

That's what this game is about.

Waiting for the perfect moment.

Here it comes.

Here we are, signore.

100,000.

210 million lire.

- Thank you.

- Scusi. Telefono.

- Grazie.

- Prego.

Actually...

What's the matter, Maurice?

- Can I put this in hotel security?

- S, Signore Orton.

- Horton.

- Orton.

Maurice Horton.

Maurice Horton.

Room 235. Have you got that?

Rossi, you see that case?

S.

You go shopping.

Maurice Horton.

Please take note.

[sighs] Thank you.

It's identical, boss.

Perfect.

What's happening?

Are you ready?

Can I place this in... hotel security,

please?

S, Signore Horton.

No, no, no, Orton.

- Orton.

- Orton.

Orton.

- Room 310.

- Orton.

All you've got to do

is get in there and swap the tags.

We get the money and that Horton

sh*t, he gets what he deserves.

Orton.

- Please take note.

- Right, thank you.

I'll pick it up later. Thank you.

Thanks.

You've never felt the need

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