Blazing Saddles Page #2

Now who can argue with that?

I think we're all indebted

to Gabby Johnson...

...for clearly stating

what needed to be said.

I'm particularly glad that

these lovely children...

...were here today to hear that speech.

Not only was it authentic

frontier gibberish...

...it expressed a courage

little seen in this day and age!

What are we made of?

Our fathers came across the prairie...

...fought Indians, fought drought,

fought locusts, fought Dix!

Remember when Richard Dix came in here

and tried to take over this town?

Well, we didn't give up then...

...and by gum, we're not

going to give up now!

Olson Johnson is right!

What kind of people are we, anyhow?

I say we stay and fight it out!

Dr. Samuel Johnson is right about

Olson Johnson's being right.

And I'm not giving up

my ice cream parlor...

...that I built with these two hands

for nothing or nobody!

Howard Johnson is right!

Well, if we're going to stay, and

I think it's a big mistake...

...we're going to need a new sheriff.

Now, who is it going to be?

Why don't we wire the governor

to send us a sheriff?

Why should we get our own men killed?

Howard Johnson is right.

We'll wire the governor.

Then let us pray for the deliverance

of our new sheriff.

Will the congregation please rise?

I shall now read from the books

of Matthew, Mark, Luke...

...and duck!

We've got to do something at once!

Governor, may I disturb

you for a moment, sir?

If you will just sign this, governor.

Right here.

Yes, what the hell is it?

Well, under the provisions

of this bill...

...we would snatch 200,000 acres

of Indian territory...

...which we have deemed unsafe

for their use at this time.

They're such children.

200,000 acres!

200,000 acres!

What will it cost, man?

What will it cost?

A box of these.

Are you crazy? They'll never go

for it, and then again they might.

The little red devils, they

love toys. May I try one?

These things are defective.

Right as usual, sir.

Show-off!

Just sign this, sir. Right here.

Okay, give us a hand here.

Work, work, work.

Hello, boys, have a good night's rest?

I missed you.

Just one more bill for you to sign, sir.

What is this?

This is the bill that will convert

the State Hospital for the Insane...

...into the William J. Le Petomane

Memorial Gambling Casino for the Insane.

Gentlemen, this...

...this bill will be

a giant step forward...

...in the treatment

of the insane gambler.

Yes, bravo! Beautiful.

Thank you, Hedy. Thank you.

It's not Hedy. It's Hedley.

Hedley Lamarr.

What the hell are you worried about?

This is 1874.

You'll be able to sue her.

All right, help me in with this.

Just, ah, think of your secretary.

Ah, that was a very good suggestion.

Okay, is that it? Anything else?

Just this urgent telegram

from Rock Ridge.

It arrived last Friday.

Read it, read it.

"Sheriff murdered. Church meeting

bombed. Reign of terror must cease.

"Send new sheriff immediately. "

Holy underwear!

Sheriff murdered. Innocent women

and children blown to bits!

We've got to protect our

phony-baloney jobs, gentlemen.

We must do something about this

immediately, immediately, immediately!

I didn't get a "hrumph" out of that guy!

Give the governor a "hrumph. "

You watch your ass.

Gentlemen, please, rest your sphincters.

Well put.

As Attorney General, I can assure you...

...that a suitable sheriff will be found

to restore the peace in Rock Ridge.

Meeting is adjourned.

Oh, I am sorry, sir. I didn't mean

to overstep my bounds. You say that.

What?

- Meeting is adjourned.

- It is?

No. You say that, governor.

- What?

- Meeting is adjourned.

It is?

Here, play around with this for a while.

They are sweeping the country.

Why don't you give these out

to some of the boys...

...in lieu of pay? Here you go.

And one for Miss Stein,

my beloved secretary.

Play with these, boys,

in lieu of the other things.

This friggin' thing is warped.

Why do I always get a warped one?

A sheriff! But law and order

is the last thing I want.

Wait a minute. Maybe I could

turn this thing to my advantage.

If I could find a sheriff who so

offends the citizens of Rock Ridge...

...that his very appearance

would drive them out of town...

But where would I find such a man?

Why am I asking you?

Welcome to Hanging House.

Not to worry...

...everyone is equal in my eye.

Oh, not my ear!

Governor!

Official business, sir.

Is it important?

It's very crucial.

Be with you in a minute.

Throw something on

and stay in that position.

Forgive me, I was just, ah, walking

the parapet, taking a look around.

What can I do for you?

Governor, as per your instructions...

...I'd like you to meet

the new sheriff of Rock Ridge.

I'd be delighted... Wow!

I've got to talk to you. Come here.

Have you gone berserk?

Can't you see that man is a nig...

Wrong person. Forgive me.

No offense intended.

Have you gone berserk?

Can't you see that man is a nig?

Don't worry, sir.

Now, Hedley, I've always

trusted your judgment before...

...but haven't you taken a giant leap

away from your good senses?

Please, don't fly off the handle, sir.

I'm about to make you

an historic figure.

Maybe even get you a cabinet post.

A cabinet post!

Did you say that?

Wonderful!

Yes, the first man ever to appoint

a black sheriff! Just think, sir...

...Washington, Jefferson...

...Lincoln.

Le Petomane!

Sir, you have the seeds

of greatness in you.

Nurse them, caress them,

pour water on them.

Don't short-change yourself, sir.

It will never work.

They'll kill him dead in one day!

One day is all we'll need to secure your

name in the annals of Western history.

And to get for you

a nomination for, dare I say...?

Dare, dare!

The Presidency!

Hail to the Chief!

Hail to the Chief!

"Four score and seven years ago...

"... our forefathers

brought forth on this... "

Are you coming back?

In a moment, dear.

Gentlemen, affairs of state must take

precedent over the affairs of state.

Yes, of course, sir, we understand.

Will you make all the arrangements?

I will make all the arrangements.

Especially the funeral.

Good luck, good luck, boys.

Wonderful working with you. Good luck!

Hurry up, get those flags up.

He'll be here soon.

I just got a telegram from

the governor's office.

The sheriff will be here at noon!

Noon! I'd better rehearse my speech!

"As Honorary Chairman of

the Welcoming Committee...

"... it is my privilege to extend to you

a laurel and hearty handshake!"

Wonderful!

Excellent!

Can you see him yet?

The sheriff is coming!

Ring out the church bell!

Hey, the sheriff is a n...

What did he say?

The sheriff is near!

No, no, dag blame it, gol darn

it, the sheriff is a n...

As Chairman of the

Welcoming Committee...

...it is my privilege to extend a laurel

and hearty handshake to our new...

...n*gger.

Excuse me while I whip this out.

"By the power vested in me by...

"... the Honorable

William J. Le Petomane...

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