Blazing Saddles Page #3

"... I hereby assume the duties...

"... of the Office of Sheriff in and for

the Township of Rock Ridge. "

Gentlemen, let us not allow anger

to rule the day.

As your spiritual leader,

I implore you...

...to pay heed to this good

book and what it has to say.

Son, you're on your own!

Hold it!

The next man makes a move,

the n*gger gets it!

Hold it, men. He's not bluffing.

Listen to him, men.

He's just crazy enough to do it.

Drop it! Or I swear I'll blow this

n*gger's head all over this town!

Oh, Lordy, Lord, he's desperate!

Do what he say! Do what he say!

Isn't anybody going to

help that poor man?

Hush, Harriet. That's a

sure way to get him killed.

Help me, help me...

...somebody help me!

Shut up!

Oh, baby, you are so talented.

And they are so dumb!

Goddamn it!

I said, "Order"!

You know, Nietzsche says,

"Out of chaos comes order. "

Oh, blow it out your ass, Howard!

Now everyone be quiet...

...whilst we listen to Harriet van

Johnson, our esteemed schoolmarm...

...as she reads a telegram that she

herself has composed to the governor...

...expressing our feelings

about the new sheriff.

"To the Honorable William J.

Le Petomane, Governor. "

Louder! Speak up! We can't hear you!

I'm not used to public speaking.

"We, the white, God-fearing

citizens of Rock Ridge...

"... wish to express

our extreme displeasure...

"... with your choice of sheriff.

"Please remove him immediately.

"The fact that you

have sent him here... "

"... just goes to prove that you are

the leading a**hole in the state. "

The drunk in number two must be awake.

Are we awake?

We're not sure.

Are we black?

Yes, we are.

Then we're awake.

But we're very puzzled.

I think I better straighten myself out.

Need any help?

All I can get.

That's okay. Sit down over here.

Hey, maybe you should

eat something first.

No, thanks. Food makes me sick.

A man drinks like that and doesn't eat,

he is going to die.

When?

What's your name?

Well, my name is Jim,

but most people call me...

...Jim.

Okay, Jim, since you are my

guest and I am your host...

...what is your pleasure?

What do you like to do?

Oh, I don't know. Play chess...

...screw.

Well, let's play chess.

Checkmate.

Checkmate.

Why, you devious son-of-a-b*tch!

Happy days!

Man, why do you do that to yourself?

Oh, you don't really want to know that.

I do, I do!

Well, if you must pry.

I must, I must!

I don't know if you ever

heard of me before, but...

...I used to be called the Waco Kid.

The Waco Kid. He had the

fastest hands in the West!

In the world!

Well, if you're the Kid,

then show me something.

Maybe a couple of years ago I could

have shown you something, but today...

...look at that.

Steady as a rock.

Yes, but I shoot with this hand.

See, I knew you weren't the Waco Kid.

You were just pulling my lariat.

See that king?

Put your hands on both sides of it.

Now when I say, "go,"

you try to grab it first.

Man, that's no contest.

You're a mile away.

Anyway, when you hear the word

"go," you just try to grab it.

Ready?

You looking for this?

Well, raise my rent!

You are the Kid!

Was. Yeah, I was the Kid.

What happened?

Well, it got so that every

piss-ant prairie punk...

...who thought he could

shoot a gun...

...would ride into town

to try out the Waco Kid.

I must have killed more men

than Cecil B. DeMille.

It got pretty gritty.

I started to hear the

word "draw" in my sleep.

Then one day...

...I was just walking down the street

and I heard a voice behind me say...

..."Reach for it, mister!"

I spun around.

And there I was face to face...

...with a 6-year-old kid!

Well, I just threw my guns

down and walked away.

The little bastard shot me in the ass!

So I limped to the nearest saloon,

crawled inside a whiskey bottle...

...and I've been there ever since.

Have a drink.

Anyway, that's all ancient history.

Now you tell me your story.

What's a dazzling urbanite like you

doing in a rustic setting like this?

If you really must pry.

I must, I must!

Well, back in '56...

...my folks and I were part

of this long wagon train...

...moving West.

Well, not exactly part of it.

You might say we were bringing up

the rear, when suddenly,

...from out of the West,

came the entire Sioux Nation!

And let me tell you, baby,

they were open for business!

Naturally, the white folks

didn't let us travel in their circle...

...so we made our own.

Shvartzes?

Luzem gayen!

Cop a walk. It's all right.

Thank you.

Abi gezunt. Take off.

They're darker than us!

And the rest is history.

Impressed?

Always like to keep my audience riveted.

How about some more beans,

Mr. Taggart?

I'd say you've had enough!

I understand there's a new sheriff

in town. Who wants to kill him?

Why don't we give him to Mongo?

Holy sh*t, that's too cruel!

I'll be danged! That is a unique idea!

Down, boy, down, boy,

down, Mongo!

Hey, it's me. Taggart.

Here, smell. Smell.

That's a good Mongo.

Hey, how about it? How would you

like to mutilate that new sheriff?

Have a cigar.

Oh, by the way,

I got a note this morning.

From who?

Well, I'm not sure.

It was addressed to the Deputy Spade.

Well, once I establish

myself in this town...

...Deputy Spade might turn

out to be a groovy position.

Listen, Bart,

I want you to do me a favor.

I don't want you going

out there this morning.

You can't win these people

over, no matter what you do.

They're just not going to accept you.

I'm glad those fingers ain't loaded!

Just like old times.

Like I told you, once you establish

yourself, they've got to accept you.

Catch you later.

Good luck.

Ah, good morning, ma'am.

And isn't it a lovely morning?

Up yours, n*gger!

What did you expect?

"Welcome, sonny. "

"Make yourself at home. "

"Marry my daughter. " You've got to

remember these are just simple farmers.

These are people of the land.

The common clay of the new West.

You know.

Morons!

What the hell is that?

Mongo! Santa Mara!

I believe in it.

And if any one of you...

...friends and neighbors,

kind of gather around and...

Holy sh*t!

And they say that now in Paris,

France, even as we speak...

...Louis Pasteur has devised

a new vaccine...

...that will obliterate anthrax

once and for all.

Hey, you can't park

that animal over there!

It's illegal.

Think of it, gentlemen. Hoof-and-

mouth disease a thing of the past!

Never mind that sh*t,

here comes Mongo!

I don't know what it is.

Sheriff, Mongo's back!

He's breaking up the whole town!

You've got to help us, please!

Did you hear that? Now it's "please. "

This morning I couldn't get the time

of day. Who is this Mongo, anyway?

Well, Mongo ain't exactly a "who. "

He's more of a "what. "

What he said.

Well, I don't know...

Oh, thank you very much!

The fool's going to...

I mean, the sheriff's going to do it.

No, no, don't do that! If you shoot

him, you'll just make him mad.

Candygram for Mongo!

Me, Mongo.

Sign, please.

Mongo like candy.

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