Blazing Saddles Page #4

A little further down, to the right.

I thought sure that Mongo

would mash him up...

...into little bitty sheriff meatballs.

I just don't understand it.

Be still, Taggart.

My mind is a raging torrent...

...flooded with rivulets of thought...

...cascading into a waterfall

of creative alternatives.

Gol darn it, Mr. Lamarr...

...you use your tongue prettier

than a $20 whore.

Wait a minute, that's it!

And it will work!

You bet it will! What will work?

Elementary, cactus-head!

The beast has failed.

And when the beast fails,

it's time to call in beauty.

Beauty?

She's never failed me before.

She'll turn him into jelly!

She'll bring him to his knees!

Where's my froggie?

Where's my froggie?

I don't know.

I didn't see it when I came in.

Damn your eyes, look for it!

Oh, there it is.

That was a close one! Daddy loves

Froggie. Froggie love Daddy?

I don't know how you did it.

He was nothing.

The b*tch was inventing

the candygram.

They probably won't give me

credit for it.

Good evening, sheriff.

Sorry about the "Up yours, n*gger. "

I hope this apple pie will in some

small way say thank you for your...

...ingenuity and courage in

defeating that horrible Mongo.

Thank you. Much obliged.

Good night.

Of course, you'll have the good taste

not to mention that I spoke to you.

I'm rapidly becoming a big

underground success in this town.

See, in another 25 years you'll be able

to shake their hands in broad daylight.

Well, I'm not going to

hold my breath for it.

Come on, I don't want to be late.

Lili von Shtupp is opening tonight.

Lili von who?

Willkommen, bienvenue, welcome.

Come on in.

It's Hedley. For you, my dear.

Oh, how ordinary.

Oh, Lili, Lili, Lili, legs, Lili, Lili!

I can't find the words to

truly express my joy...

...at the rekindling of our association.

Bullshit, what's the job?

I love it when you talk dirty.

Come on, Lamarr, let's get down to

bwass tacks.

What do you want me to do?

I want you to seduce and abandon

the sheriff of Rock Ridge.

You think you can do it?

Is Bismark a hewwing?

Oh, Lili, you're magnificent! Kiss me!

And now, folks, the gal

you've all been waiting for...

...the Bavarian Bombshell herself!

Let's hear it for Lili von Shtupp!

"Here I stand, the goddess of desire...

"... set men on fire.

I have this power.

"Morning, noon and night,

it's drink and dancing...

"... some quick romancing,

and then a shower.

"Stage door Johnnies

constantly surround me...

"... they always hound

me with one request.

"Who can satisfy their lustful habit?

"I'm not a rabbit. I need some rest.

"I'm tired...

"... sick and tired of love...

"I've had my fill of love...

"... from below and above.

"Tired, tired of being admired...

"... tired of love uninspired.

"Let's face it, I'm tired.

"I've been with thousands

of men again and again.

"They promise the moon.

"They're always coming and

going and going and coming...

"... and always too soon. "

Right, girls?

"I'm tired.

Tired of playing the game.

"Ain't it a crying shame?

"I'm so tired. "

Goddamn it, I'm exhausted!

Hello, cowboy, what's your name?

"Tex ma'am"? Tell me, Tex ma'am...

...are you in show business?

Nope.

Well, then, why don't you get your

friggin' feet off the stage?

Hello, handsome. Is that a 10-gallon

hat, or are you just enjoying the show?

Oh, Miss Lili, oh, my lovely lady!

"Tired of playing the game.

"Ain't it a crying shame...

"... I'm so tired.

"She's tired.

"Sick and tired of love.

Give her a break.

"She's had her fill of love.

She's not a snake!

"From below and above.

Can't you see she's sick?

"She's bushed.

"Tired of being admired.

Let her alone.

"Tired of love uninspired.

"Don't you know she's pooped?

"I've been with thousands

of men again and again.

"They sing the same tune!

"They start with Byron and Shelley...

"... then jump on your belly,

and bust your balloon.

"Tired of playing the game.

"Ain't it a friggin' shame?

"I'm so... "

Let's face it. Everything

below the waist is kaput!

What does it say?

"I must see you alone in my dwessing

woom right after the show. "

Wie gehts, meine schatzie?

Faw out!

A wed wose. How womantic!

Have a seat, shewiff.

Won't you excuse me for a moment...

...while I slip into something

a little bit more comfortable?

Bitte, baby.

Why don't you loosen your bullets?

Ahh, I feel wefweshed!

Isn't it bwight in here?

There! Isn't that better?

Pardon me, I'll be back in a moment.

How is it going?

He's like wet sauerkraut in my hands.

By morning he will be my slave.

Splendid.

Oh, just let me have a little feel.

Where were we? Where are you?

Let me sit down next to you.

Tell me, schatzie...

...is it, ah, twu what they say

about the way you people are gifted?

Oh, it's twu, it's twu!

Vill you care for

another schnitzengruben?

No, thank you. Fifteen is my

limit on schnitzengruben.

Well, then, how about a little...?

Baby, please, I am not from Havana.

Excuse me, honey...

...besides, I'm late for work.

I've got some heavy chores to do.

Vill I, vill I see you later?

That all depends on how much

Vitamin E I can get my hands on.

Nein, nein, achtung!

No, no, you mustn't go! I need you!

I never met nobody like you!

I can't live without you!

Please, you're making

a German spectacle of yourself.

Auf wiedersehen, baby.

Oh, what a nice guy.

Oh, deary, dear.

Look what the cat dragged in.

What's happening in the clean world?

Bad news.

I've got a writ here for Mongo's

release signed by Hedley Lamarr himself.

Why would a dude like

Hedley Lamarr care about Mongo?

It's legal.

Oh, those schnitzengrubens

can wipe you out!

Wake up time!

Okay, Mongo. You're free to go.

Mongo no go.

Oh, come on, Mongo.

You're a free man.

Mongo stay with Sheriff Bart.

Sheriff first man ever whip Mongo.

Mongo impressed, have deep

feelings for Sheriff Bart.

Oh, you better watch out, big fella.

I think Mongo's taken

a little fancy to you.

Mongo straight.

Maybe you know why a high-roller...

...like Hedley Lamarr is interested

in Rock Ridge.

Don't know. Got to do

with where choo-choo go.

Mongo, why would Hedley Lamarr care

about where the choo-choo goes?

Don't know.

Mongo only pawn in game of life.

I think this might be a good time

to mosey out...

...to where they're building

the railroad...

...and maybe do a little snooping.

Damn, damn, damn!

Hey, how are you doing Bart?

Get down off that horse!

Oh, you shifty n*gger!

They said you were hung!

And they were right!

Look at that star, hoo-ee!

Civil service!

Wait. Back off, scamp.

You are addressing the duly appointed

sheriff of Rock Ridge.

Rock Ridge? Hey, the railroad

is going through there!

Back up off your brother!

Don't mess up your brother!

Holy mother of pearl!

It's that n*gger that hit me

on the head with the shovel!

Now what the hell do you think you're

doing with that tin star, boy?

Watch that "boy" sh*t, redneck! You're

talking to the sheriff of Rock Ridge.

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