Blazing Saddles Page #5

Well, now if that don't beat all!

Here we take the good time

and trouble...

...to slaughter every last Indian

in the West, and for what?

So they can appoint a sheriff

that's blacker than any Indian!

I am depressed.

Excuse me, Mr. Taggart, sir, but I

sure do hate to see you like this.

What if me and the boys were to

shoot that n*gger dead?

Would that pep you up some?

Well, it might help.

All right, boys. On the count of three.

I wouldn't do that if I were you.

Don't pay no attention to that alky.

He can't even hold a gun,

much less shoot it.

Like I said. On the count of three.

One...

...two...

...three!

Well, just don't sit there looking

stupid, grasping your hands in pain.

How about a little applause

for the Waco Kid?

All right, I'm through being

Mr. Goodbar!

The time has come to act

and act quickly!

All my plans have backfired!

Instead of the people leaving,

they're staying in droves!

Vhy don't you admit it?

He's too much of man for you. I know.

You going to need an army to beat him!

You're finished.

Fertig! Fahrblunged! Fahrcocked!

Shut up! You Teutonic twat!

I must think.

Wait a minute. She said army.

Of course!

An army of the worst dregs ever

to soil the face of the West!

I've decided to launch an attack that

will reduce Rock Ridge to ashes!

What do you want me to do, sir?

I want you to round up every vicious

criminal and gunslinger in the West.

Take this down.

I want rustlers, cutthroats,

murderers, bounty hunters...

...desperados, mugs, pugs, thugs,

nitwits, half-wits, dimwits...

...vipers, snipers, con men,

Indian agents, Mexican bandits...

...muggers, buggerers,

bushwackers, hornswagglers...

...horse thieves, bull dykes, train

robbers, bank robbers, ass kickers...

...sh*t kickers and Methodists!

Could you repeat that, sir?

Where's everybody going?

Read this.

Well, can't you see that's the

last act of a desperate man?

We don't care if it's the First Act of

Henry the Fifth! We're leaving!

Now, wait a minute!

Wait just one doggoned minute!

Just give me 24 hours to come up

with a brilliant idea to save our town.

Just 24 hours, that's all I ask.

No!

You'd do it for Randolph Scott.

All right, sheriff. 24 hours.

Next!

Qualifications?

Rape, murder, arson and rape.

You said rape twice.

I like rape.

Charming. Sign right here.

Take that badge.

Qualifications?

Arson, armed robbery, mayhem.

Wait a moment. What have

you got in your mouth?

Nothing, eh? Lyle.

Gum!

Chewing gum on line, eh?

I hope you brought enough

for everybody.

I didn't know there was

going to be so many.

Boy, is he strict!

We've got to get in there close

and find out what's happening.

There's our ticket!

Hey, boys!

Look what I've got there!

Hey, where are the white women at?

Man, that was pretty! I liked that.

Be ready to attack Rock Ridge at

noon tomorrow. Here's your badge.

We don't need no stinkin' badges!

Next!

Qualifications?

Stampeding cattle.

That's not much of a crime.

Through the Vatican!

Kinky!

Why, Rhett, how many times

have I told you...

...to wash up after

weekly cross-burning?

See, it's coming off.

And now, for my next impression,

Jesse Owens!

Catch them!

Hold up, men,

we'll head them off at the pass!

Head them off at the pass?

I hate that clich!

Say, "hello. "

Hello.

Listen to me, and listen to me good.

I want you to get

all the brothers together...

...round up all the lumber, canvas, paint

and nails you can lay your hands on...

...and meet me tonight 3 miles

due east of Rock Ridge at midnight.

You understand?

Say, "goodbye. "

Thanks a lot, brother.

All right, folks, I know you're a bit

confused wondering what you're doing...

...out in the middle of the prairie

in the middle of the night.

You bet your ass!

I'm hip.

Now, before the sun comes up...

...we're going to build on this sight an

exact replica of the town of Rock Ridge.

Every building, every storefront,

every rock and every tree...

...right down to the orange roof

on Howard Johnson's outhouse.

I get it!

And tomorrow when Hedley Lamarr

and his men come riding in...

...to destroy the real Rock Ridge...

...they'll actually be destroying

the fake Rock Ridge!

But they'll think

it's the real Rock Ridge!

But we'll know it's the fake Rock Ridge!

How're we going to do it? We don't

have the time nor the people.

Wrong! There's why.

Who the hell are they?

Railroad workers. They've agreed

to help us make our dream come true.

And all they ask in return

is a little plot of land...

...they can call their own to homestead.

What do you say?

We'll give some land to the n*ggers

and the chinks...

...but we don't want the Irish!

No deal.

Ah, prairie sh*t! Everybody!

Oh, Lord...

...do we have the strength to carry on

this mighty task in one night?

Or are we just jerking off?

Okay, okay, we have done it.

Now, let's see what we have done.

Men, you are about to embark

on a great crusade...

...to stamp out runaway

decency in the West.

Now you will only

be risking your lives...

...whilst I will be risking an almost

certain Academy Award nomination...

...for Best Supporting Actor.

Now raise your right

hand for the pledge.

Right!

And repeat after me. I...

...your name...

...your name...

Schmucks!

... pledge allegiance...

...pledge allegiance...

...to Hedley Lamarr...

...to Hedy Lamarr...

That's Hedley!

...that's Hedley...

...and to the evil...

...and to the evil...

...for which he stands!

...for which he stands!

Now go do that voodoo

that you do so well!

Hold the happiness. We are in trouble.

Yep! We forgot one little detail.

Nothing is missing. Everything is here,

down to the last hitching post.

People. There are no people.

Now don't panic. Don't panic.

We just made a perfect copy

of Rock Ridge.

Now all we've got to do is make

perfect copies of ourselves.

But they'll be here in half an hour.

Right, so we've got to

start working fast.

You men start working on the dummies.

Jim and Mongo, come with me.

I've got an idea that will

slow them down to a crawl.

All right, let's go!

Yeah, that's nice.

Le Petomane Thruway! Now what

will that a**hole think of next?

Has anybody got a dime?

Somebody's got to go back

and get a sh*t-load of dimes.

Hurry up. Speed it up or we're

never going to get to Rock Ridge!

Come on, move them through!

Well, they're through the tollbooth.

Look at this, they're buying it!

All right, here we go.

Hold your ears, folks!

It's show time!

Nothing!

What are we going to do?

Any minute now they're going to discover

the town is fake and pull out!

You think you could squeeze off

a little shot from here...

...and set off the dynamite down there?

I'll give it a try.

Oh, Lord, keep this man's eye keen...

...and may God grant...

It's a fake!

We've been suckered in!

Okay, folks, let's wipe them out!

Forgive me, Lord!

"Throw out your hands,

stick out your tush.

"Hands on your hips,

give them a push.

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