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You should really change

your e-mail password, little Miss 072099.

That is the last time

I use your birthday as a password.

I can't believe you read my e-mails.

Brendan, I love you...

...but we have to learn to respect

each other's privacy in this house.

Who's Jim?

Nobody, honey. A buffoon.

Trust me. It was nothing.

- You promise?

- Promise.

Hey! No wheels in the house!

- I've told you this!

- Aah!

Tackle him, Mom! Get him!

Did your dad take you for ice cream

on the way home?

- Spank him!

- Rocky Road and mint chocolate chip!

- Take him to the ground!

- I'm on top of the world! Goose, goose!

- Yeah.

- You're dead!

No more titty twisters, guys!

You only have two titties

for the rest of your lives!

We need to learn to love and respect them.

I always did.

How many times have I told you...

...not to pump him full of sugar

before you drop him off?

Oh, come on. Going out with Dad

for an ice cream cone...

...is a lasting memory for a kid.

Oh, okay. Well, if Dad

spent more time with him...

...then the memories

wouldn't have to be so "lasting."

Boom, zing. Got me again.

It's so great spending time with you, Lauren.

That doesn't go there.

What are we gonna do?

Oh. Oh, man! It's gonna explode in 3, 2...

Oh, thank God.

That was close.

It was almost unorganized for a minute.

- Hi.

- How are you?

Good. Are you going to Tyler's game

on Saturday?

- Yes! Of course!

- Great. I'm putting you down.

It's what you do best.

On the board, Mark. On the board.

Lauren, the boys don't need a board.

They don't need a list.

The know they can count on me. That's it.

Dad, can you help me with my homework?

Oh, I can't, bud! Sorry!

I gotta go to a thing! Ask your mom!

This is not an example of my behavior.

Did you leave?

No, oh, oh

I'll never be that girl again

No, oh, oh

My innocence is wearin' thin

But my heart is growin' strong

So call me, call me, call me

Miss movin' on

Oh, oh, oh

- Larry, wanna shoot some hoops?

- Dad!

- Oh!

'Aah!

- Stop! Get out!

- Oh!

Why wouldn't you knock?

I'm sorry, honey! I didn't see anything!

Oh, thanks a lot!

No, no, no!

There was plenty of stuff to see!

Uh...

I mean, I didn't see any gelling going on!

- How about a fist bump?

- No!

Larry, we both need this fist bump.

We're cool.

Hey, how we doing in here?

I'm talking to Mom.

Great. What are you guys talking about?

It's girl stuff.

Okay. Well, just so you know,

I'm pretty good with girl stuff too.

Excuse me for a second.

Thanks, Dad.

But I just wanna talk to Mom.

Sure, sure.

Say hi for me.

I'm all out of stickers.

You're all out of face.

What happened to you? Ugh.

Can I play with Espn now?

Espn is having her quiet time.

Oh. With Invincible Mommy?

"Invisible." Yes.

It's not fair only Espn gets to see her.

I know.

I wish I could see her.

Me too.

Come here. Mm.

Eh, eh?

Mac and cheese?

- Mac and cheese.

- Yeah!

I mean, he's looking around here.

Looking for you.

You knew it was today.

I published the calendar.

Laur, the meeting went longer than

expected. What do you want from me?

You know what?

I just want you to be a dad! I can't take it!

Why don't you hop over to the snack bar,

see if they sell any chill pills.

"Chill pills"?

Why don't you "bust a move" back to 1990.

You're at a baseball game?

I'm going on a mystery trip with Dick.

That's so great.

I have no idea where we're going.

He's so much fun.

I'm so excited!

Now batting, number 23, Tyler Reynolds.

Okay! Come on! Go Tyler! Whoo!

- Come on, Tyler!

- They're putting this kid in?

League rule.

Every kid has to play two innings.

Even kids like him.

- You shut your piehole.

- I'll kick your ass!

- Or I'll stuff my entire fist in your mouth!

- Burt Reynolds scrawny reject!

Hey, how old is that pitcher?

He looks like a NASCAR driver.

- Strike!

- Come on!

It's okay, buddy! Shake it off! It's okay!

Oh, no. He's not gonna have

one of his meltdowns, is he?

No. He has two more swings.

It's gonna be okay.

Okay. I better go now, then.

Oh, by the way, I need a week off.

Oh, yeah, sure. When's the vacation?

Two weeks from today.

Wait. No. That's not gonna work.

Because that's spring break

and I've gotta take care of the boys.

- Strike two!

- Why?

It's okay, cutie, you got this!

Check out what happens

when this kid strikes out.

- You have been warned, Ratso!

- One more comment and it is go time!

- I will crush you!

- So checkity check it!

I thought Mark was taking the kids

whitewater rafting.

Oh, shocker. He canceled.

Business trip.

Now I'm racking my brain trying to figure out

how to compete with that.

You won't. There's no time.

And why should we both stay at home?

You are the bestest

business partner ever. Heh.

- Strike three!

- I hate this!

I hate this! I hate this! I suck!

No.

Oh, boy. Here we go again.

Oh, God.

Maybe you should try badminton.

- Maybe you should try mouthwash!

- And deodorant!

- And some testosterone supplement!

- And some Cialis!

I'm just assuming!

And shave your neck!

It's very hairy.

God.

What?

Ugh.

No.

Damn it.

Rip that little loop off the back of your shirt.

And Step Three...

- Daddy?

- Yes.

What do you miss about Mommy?

What do I miss about Mommy?

Hmm.

Everything.

I miss her laugh.

And her smile.

And I miss her little nose

that she gave to you.

Luckily you didn't get mine.

You'd look very weird.

- Heh.

- Yeah.

I miss every time The Wizard of 02 was on.

- I love that movie.

- I know.

She would sing all the songs to us.

Especially "Somewhere Over the Rainbow."

You know what I miss most about her?

What?

Getting to tell her how much I love her.

Are you allowed to do that with anyone else?

Am I allowed?

Your mother, before she left...

...that's all she would talk about,

was me finding somebody else.

But I would tell her I can't

because she's my one and only.

What did Mommy say?

Your mom would say...

...my heart is so big that it has room for two.

That's another thing

I miss about your mother.

She actually thought I was awesome.

I think you're awesome, Daddy.

Thank you.

Hey, Dad? Um...

I have a personal errand to run,

and I need to borrow the car.

Well, you can't drive without me yet...

...and somebody's got to stay

here with your sisters.

Dad, I have a personal errand.

What does that even mean?

You taking a hit out on somebody?

Dad, she's monsterating.

- What?

- I have my period!

Oh. I forgot you get those.

"Tampax Pearls."

Douches. "Fresh Scent."

"Medicated" and "Sweet Romance."

Yeah, let's not be doing

the Sweet Romance douches quite yet.

"Poise Feminine Wash."

"Poise"? That's a little close, guys.

"Always Clean"?

I could actually use those. Uh...

What's a Diva Cup? Is that to make coffee?

I don't under-...

What kind do you guys use?

Huh.

- No!

- Hi.

Don't tell me.

- Lauren.

- Lauren.

Mr. Hooters.

Jim.

What's going on in the sweater?

Just for the articles?

No. These, um, actually are for my son.

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