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Wow. What a progressive mother.

No. I found a centerfold under his bed,

and I tore it up.

From a magazine, not the Internet?

He's old school. I respect that.

Why'd you tear it up?

Because as a woman I was totally offended.

You don't have to be.

It's a normal part of growing up.

Okay, but he taped a picture

of our babysitter's face on it.

Okay, that's sick. He needs help.

Borderline Dahmer situation.

Oh, very funny. Okay,

but if you had kids you'd understand...

- Three daughters.

- ...it's complicated.

You have three daughters?

Yes. Do you have any other children,

or just the masturbator?

He has a younger brother.

Uh-huh.

Maybe you'll do a better job with that kid.

I'm just joking. So what, you're here

to replace it before the kid finds out?

Yes. But I can't tell

what magazine it's from. I just...

Do you have any of the centerfold remnants?

Yes, I do.

I, um... I tried to tape it back up.

Did a great job. You can hardly tell.

Snapper magazine.

How can you tell?

From the staple placement

and the way the paper feels...

...and I already have this copy at home.

How about a fist bump? Huh?

Ah.

- Yep, that's the one.

- Great.

Excuse me. Actually, I thought of something

that might help us both...

...to save us some embarrassment.

How about I bring that up to the cashier,

and you bring this up for me.

- Whoa. Are these for your daughter?

- Yeah. She's 15.

And her "friend" just paid a visit.

Okay. Well, these are

for a much older "friend."

A much heavier "friend"

staying in a much bigger "room"...

...than your daughter has.

You lost me.

You found me. Oh.

- Can I get a bump?

- No.

No.

Okay. So you will do this.

That'll be $13.

Hi, I'm Tom.

- Here's your change.

- Hi, I'm Tom.

Yeah, you told me. Next.

Oh.

I remember the Slender Fit days.

You must be doing your Kegels.

Nowadays,

I need six of these taped together.

Okay. Moving on.

And we got...

...that and card.

Rockin' Saturday night, huh, Lefty?

Oh, that's not mine. That's for her kid.

Ooh, pretty progressive mom.

- Yeah. That's what I said to her too.

- Why would you do that?

- I'm sorry. I'll get you out of it.

- What is wrong with you?

She just takes her homeschooling

real serious, so that's why...

We get those back?

She's gotta get home

to the kid and get him going.

- Take care.

- Yeah.

Hi, I'm Tom.

Ugh, thanks a lot for selling me out back there.

Oh, she didn't even hear about...

- I panicked. I'm sorry. Here.

- Oh, I noticed.

Thank you.

I can't believe you have three girls.

- What does that even mean?

- I just can't imagine you with three girls.

Don't, then.

I'm sorry. What are their names?

Hilary, Lou and Espn.

- "Espin." That's unique.

- Mm-hm.

Is it Biblical?

No. Named after my favorite network.

ESPN.

- No.

- Yep.

- What?

- Heh.

Pretty cool.

Oh, my God.

Your wife must have been a saint.

She was.

Your husband must have been

very patient dealing with...

Ah.

Another charming sentiment

from Captain Cheese Sticks.

You know what? Hooters is too good for you.

I'd never bring you there again.

Well, then I guess I'll just have to learn

to get through life without Hooters.

You've been doing

a pretty damn good job so far!

- That doesn't make any sense.

- I didn't realize they were that big.

Oh, whatever.

Guys, unfortunately your dad

had a business trip that came up...

...so your whitewater rafting trip

is gonna get postponed till this summer.

- What?

- We're stuck here doing nothing all week?

I have plans. I have great plans actually.

Like what? Bowling and going to the mall?

How did you know?

- Bet that's Dad!

- Maybe he'll take us on his business trip!

- Oh, hey. Is your mom home?

- What do you mean "ls your mom home"?

- Who are you?

- I'm Jim.

Jim? Jim66@DSG.com?

What is this, Dateline NBC?

Yes, you got it right.

- What do you want?

- I need to talk to your mother.

- Not a big deal.

- She said she's not interested in you.

Believe me, Frodo, I don't like her either.

I have to sort something out with her.

- Brendan, honey, who's at the...?

- Hey.

- Jim.

- You lied! Liar! You like him!

What? I didn't lie, honey. He's a buffoon.

- Just like I said.

- Don't talk to me!

Ever'.

No, sweetie, come on.

- What?

- Great.

Which one was the masturbator?

The big one?

Why are you here? What do you want?

The old bag at the pharmacy

mixed up our cards.

That's impossible

because I keep my cards very organized.

I keep them in color-coded sleeves...

All right, I'll give this back to whoever

it belongs to. Lauren Reynolds.

- You know her? Have you met her?

- Oh.

God, I don't know what's wrong with me lately.

I feel like I'm losing my mind.

Just come in.

So wait. How do you know where I live?

I Googled you and "Closet Queens"

came up.

- You're a lesbian?

- No.

We organize "closets" and we're the best,

so we're "queens."

"Closet Queens."

Maybe the picture was confusing me.

What picture?

Ugh, those little weasels.

Your girlfriend, like,

does she know we went on a date?

Is she gonna kill me? She looks nuts.

- Lauren!

- Well, here she is.

- I have to talk to you!

- I never touched her. She repulses me.

- What?

- What?

Jen, what's wrong?

- It's over between me and Dick.

- Over?

I thought you don't like dick.

But you guys just started using the L word.

The L Word. I saw that show.

You guys love that one I'm guessing.

I'm sorry. Who are you?

Are you here to fix something?

- You should probably go and do that.

- I'm Jim. I'm not a threat.

- Jim?

- The blind-date guy.

- You said that was a disaster.

- Oh, it was.

You said he was a chubby loser.

He is.

You didn't mention he has that high

phlegmy voice like he drinks a lot of dairy.

- I know.

- Standing right here, ladies.

Hearing everything.

All right, our cards got switched

so we're just dealing with that.

What happened with Dick?

He just dropped a major bomb on me.

He's married.

No, worse. He's got kids.

Oh, you're still here. Why?

You still have my card. "Why?"

Wait. You're just gonna break up with him

because he has children?

Five children. Five.

What am I, Julie Andrews?

I'm gonna sew matching outfits

and sing to escape the Nazis?

He asked me if I wanted to be

"part of the team."

- No, I don't!

- Maybe you should just go on the trip...

...and, you know,

spend some alone time with Dick.

See, he wanted the kids to come with us.

He wanted me to get to know them

in a "fun and neutral environment."

Eh, five kids? Is his last name Theodopolis?

- Yes.

- That's incredible. That's my boss.

He owns all the Dick's Sporting Goods.

I manage the one in Ridgefield.

Of course you do.

Dick takes a lot of special needs people,

makes them "managers" of something...

...so they can have a business card

and feel important.

Good for you!

That explains it. That explains a lot.

You know, actually I applied to work

at Closet Queens...

...but they said there's already

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