Blockers

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(grand orchestral fanfare

playing)

(children chattering playfully)

WOMAN:

It's okay.

You're gonna love it.

Happy first day of school.

Bye, sweetie.

- Hi!

- Hi.

Hey. I'm Sam.

Hi. I'm Julie.

(all giggling)

- Bye.

- Bye, Mom.

(giggling continues)

I'm Hunter.

Sam's mine right there.

The one with the glasses.

I'm Lisa.

That's my Julie.

I'm Mitchell. (sniffles)

Kayla's hero.

Oh, are you okay?

- Yeah, yeah.

- You crying?

No, man, it's a...

big day, that's all.

- Yeah.

- You know, can I have a tissue, please?

- Yeah, yeah.

- Thank you.

- It's a big day for all of us.

- Yeah.

MITCHELL:

Thanks. (sighs)

(sighs, chuckles)

KAYLA:

Come on, let's go!

HUNTER:
I think our daughters

are friends.

- SAM:
I'm so excited!

- JULIE:
Me, too.

And I think that means

we're friends.

(chuckling)

Should we go get a drink?

You okay?

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

- Do you guys want to go get a drink?

Just... Ah, they made it.

You guys want to go grab

a drink real quick?

Is he asking us if we want

to go grab a drink?

I'm really hoping it's coffee.

Ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah...

(overlapping chatter)

Is it a dream

keeping you awake?

(indistinct chatter)

- Aah! That's so...

- Shut the f*** up.

Is it the stillness

- Happy Halloween!

- That makes you shake?

(speaking mock Kazakh

a la Borat)

I can see Russia from my house.

- GIRLS:
Red Vines!

- HUNTER:
Red Vines!

MITCHELL:

Red Vines!

What's on

the ocean's floor...

(cheering)

That's right!

(shouts indistinctly)

(whooping)

Hey, hey, Hunter, get out, man.

(girls squealing)

LISA:

Put your seat belts on!

Oh, my God!

(all screaming excitedly)

- Surprise!

- Surprise!

No way! Thank you, Mom!

Thank you so much! (squeals)

Be careful.

(over phone):
Just walk

your fine ass out the door

I do my hair toss,

check my nails

Baby, how you feelin'?

Feelin' good as hell

Hair toss, check my nails

Baby, how you feelin'?

Feelin' good as hell

Feelin' good as hell

Baby, how you feelin'?

Feelin' good as hell

MAN (over TV):

Absolutely gorgeous out.

You're probably gonna miss

these mornings

that we spend together, right?

Stop.

You're gonna make me cry.

And I don't want to cry,

because it's prom night.

And it's supposed to be,

like, the most magical night

of your life, and, you know,

I'm just so anxious about it.

Well, call me

if you feel anxious.

Or maybe FaceTime me,

if it wasn't too loud.

I mean, if it was too loud,

you could just...

we could wave or whatever.

(chuckling):

That'd be funny.

And then I can do...

You know what I was thinking?

You should send me photos

throughout the night.

Like, not...

not, like, all night long,

but if you could do it

like every 30 minutes or so,

then I can put together

one of those iBooks.

- That would be so fun.

- Yeah.

That would be a really...

I don't think

you would regret that.

(Lisa chuckles)

- Mom?

- Mm-hmm?

Are you gonna be okay

when I go to college?

Who, me?

Yeah.

Me?

(laughs)

What?

Pl-Please.

Don't even get me... (laughs)

Don't even...

- Please.

- (Julie chuckles)

Okay, bye, Mom!

- Okay, bye.

- I love you.

Okay, I love you.

MARCIE:

Oh, good, you did the laundry.

Yeah, and got a totally sleepy,

happy baby.

Full-blown Renaissance man.

- (chuckling):
Oh.

- Believe it.

It's a good thing

she's asleep, too.

I was going through

the laundry.

- Uh-huh.

- Found these new thongs.

You know what I'm gonna do

with these?

Paging Dr. Muff Diver.

Dr. Muff Diver, you're needed

in the O.R. immediately.

Emergency surgery.

Later on tonight,

I'm tearing these off

with my teeth

like an old-school

cartoon billy goat.

- (grunting, snorting)

- Honey.

Mitchell.

Those are your daughter's.

(retches, spits)

No way. Kayla wears cleats

and Bears jerseys,

not some dirty

stripper underwear.

You thought they were mine.

What, am I giving her allowance

in singles?

Go tell her

she can't wear these.

Tell her

they'll make her sterile,

like with the laptop

and my brother's balls.

We're not sure that's what

happened with your brother.

Honey, you're being ridiculous.

Kayla's becoming a woman.

This isn't the time

to tighten your grip;

it's the time to loosen it.

This? This means

we tighten the grip.

This isn't built for comfort;

it's built for speed.

We need to slow it

the f*** down.

The appliances go in

after the backsplash.

We've done it the same way

every time.

(takes deep breath)

Uh-huh. All right,

put him on the phone.

(knocking)

KAYLA:

I'm in the bathroom.

(sighs)

(buzzing)

Thanks.

I was looking for that.

You mind telling me

what this is?

- Uh, fuzz.

- Yeah.

Yeah, fuzz.

That's what I thought it was,

and then upon further

investigation,

it is clearly an unraveled

filter of a cigarette.

Kayla, are you a... a smoker?

What? No.

Not a smoker, Dad.

Hey, haven't you seen the

billions of ads that tell you

- not to do this stuff?

- Dad!

You can't teach someone

not to try things, okay?

That's what trying things

is for... to teach you things.

It's a contradiction.

It's like telling me

not to go for a triple

on a base hit to the gap

when I've made a good turn

around first

and I know that the

right fielder has a weak arm.

Damn it, you're smart.

Okay. Yeah, all right.

Time to get ready

for school, Dad.

Okay, all right.

Julie! Sam!

- Hey, girl!

- (tires squealing)

Whoa!

(laughing)

- I almost died.

- Prom night!

- (whooping)

- Prom!

I'm so, so excited.

Oh, me, too.

(school bell ringing)

Mm. I love you.

I love you, too.

All right.

- We're so gross.

- I know.

People are looking at us.

- I don't care.

- We better get

"cutest couple"

in the yearbook.

Here we go

Here we go.

I'm having sex.

That's great.

I'm having soup.

No.

Tonight with Austin.

- Wait, you're finally gonna do it?

- Yeah.

I mean, you know, we've been

dating for six months,

and we love each other,

and I just awkwardly

got my pediatrician

to put me on birth control.

She gave me a sticker.

Two because I was good, so...

I know it's, like, kind of

corny or whatever, but it just

seems like prom night...

it's kind of perfect, you know?

We're gonna have, like,

dim lighting

and rose petals on the bed

and the scent from that candle

that gets me horny

every time I pass it

in Walgreens.

All candles get me horny.

JULIE:
I'm gonna look

into Austin's eyes,

and then he's gonna look

into mine,

and then we're gonna, like,

touch each other's faces,

you know?

For, like, a long time.

Like, a long time.

Just to, like, connect.

And then we're gonna...

Kapow.

All right, f*** it, I'm in.

- What?

- I'm in.

I'm having sex tonight, too.

Uh... just like that?

Yeah. I mean, why not?

Because it's your first time,

and your first time

should be special and perfect.

Yours can be special

and perfect.

Mine is gonna be tonight

and with that dude.

Yeah, they're just brownies.

They're not, like...

SAM:
Connor Aldrich?

Your lab partner?

- Yeah. What?

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