Bloodsucking Bastards Page #2

Oh, you heard about that?

Yeah, well,

she's the head of HR,

and she put out a memo.

-Um, I-I--

-All right.

Andrew, get the phone!

-Evan. Can I bend your ear?

-Yeah. Hey.

How's the presentation coming?

You're gonna be ready by Friday?

Yeah, Friday.

Yeah, sure, Ted. Yeah.

Yeah, we need

this account, Evan.

Sales have been bad,

but if we land this fish,

you'll save all our asses.

Yeah.

I know male enhancement

isn't the most glamorous product

in the world but...

No. My sources tell me

it works actually.

Tell me if you need anything,

'cause it's all hands on deck

on this one.

Yeah.

I'm making a pretty big

announcement toady

about the next phase of

our company's future.

I need to know you're

gonna be a team player,

no matter what.

Yeah. Yeah, Ted.

You can count on me.

My office, 10 minutes.

All right.

Hey, guys. Guys, guess what?

I think Ted's gonna

make me sales manager.

ALL:
Oh!

Bam! Snap!

What?

Bam, snap. It's like,

a new catchphrase I'm trying.

-Yeah, it's not really working.

-It's a work in progress.

-I love it.

-Thank you, Mike.

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

I'm still working on

the inflection but...

-Ted's office in 10.

-It's a catchphrase.

I feel like everyone

needs one in the office.

-That's why...

-Yeah, it's good though.

Yeah. We really need to start

bringing fruit into this.

-We can eat it.

-I'm not ready for fruit.

Hey, Amanda. Mandy. Amanda.

Uh, sorry. Sorry to bother you,

but Ted wants everyone

in his office.

He's got an announcement

to make, I guess.

-Okay, got it.

-Okay.

I think he's gonna make me

sales manager.

-Is that so?

-Yeah.

Finally get that promotion.

It's kinda crazy.

I can't believe it.

It is so adult.

Manager, you know?

I feel like it was just,

you know,

yesterday when we were kids,

just laughing

and just saying stupid stuff.

And now,

we're looking after the kids.

Right? You know, I was listening

to NPR this morning.

They were talking about

the monogamy of gibbons,

and it's just the cutest thing

I've ever seen.

Or heard. It was on the radio,

but they had these sound bites,

you know? They're

a little chirping, you know.

These sweet monkey nothings--

Evan. I have some things to do.

-So if you'll excuse me.

-Yeah, I'm gonna... Okay.

-Uh, check in five.

-Right.

So, I'm sorry to say

without major improvements,

we're gonna have to start

laying some people off.

Mike!

It's time for a change.

Corporate thinks we need

an official sales manager again.

And I couldn't agree more.

So I'm proud to announce

our new manager of sales,

Max Phillips.

-No, no, no. Not Max.

-Who the hell is Max?

What the hell is

going on right now?

Max, Evan and I

went to college together.

It's kind of a long story.

- Hey, Evan.

- -Sup?

-That wasn't a long story.

-No.

Oh, did I mention that Max

slept with Evan's girlfriend,

so Evan had Max kicked out

of school for cheating,

so Max punched Evan in the face?

No. You skipped all that.

Question.

-What do we sell here?

-Shake weights.

-Power mustaches.

-The Abinatrix.

No, Michael. We sell dreams.

He knows my name.

Sales is... seduction.

And when you seduce,

do you say, "I have a 401k"?

Or "I floss"? No.

You say...

"I love you."

Because people make

decisions from the heart.

If you wanna sell

a bunch of useless crap

to fat losers in Alabama

and bored housewives in Iowa,

feed their dreams.

Convince them.

Their lives can transcend the

pointless slog of being human.

Give them hope, open their eyes

to something... bigger.

Sink your teeth

into their poor pathetic lives.

And give them life.

And better abs.

Our goal for this month is...

one million dollars in sales.

It's aggressive, yes,

but I'm confident we can hit it.

And if we don't, Ted and I

have already agreed...

we'll be forced

to kill all of you.

So you better do what he says.

So, come on, let's get out there

and get selling.

-What the hell, Ted?

-Now, hold on a minute.

No one ever

promised you that job.

Oh, yeah, I-I know,

but Max Phillips?

He's got an MBA.

He's got a great track record.

He comes highly recommended.

He has some very

interesting ideas for new hires.

Honestly, we're lucky

to have him.

How did you... Of all...

Now, this isn't gonna be

a problem, now, is it?

-You working for Max?

-No. No!

Of course not, I just...

I would have liked

a legitimate crack at the job

before you brought in

someone else.

Look. I like you, Evan.

I really do.

I mean, you show up

for work on time.

You work hard.

You legitimately give a sh*t.

Thank you. I do!

It's like I used to tell

the bench players

back when I coached football,

"The most important people

in the team

"are the ones who make

the starters try."

Now, you get out there.

There you go.

Thank you, Jerry.

Those are the

employee files I requested?

Oh, yes, I think so.

It might be helpful if you

were a little more specific

about exactly what it is

you're looking for.

Listen, Amanda, I know

you and Evan have a history,

and I know that

you care about him.

Uh... I'm the head of HR.

So, it's highly inappropriate

for me to discuss this--

Sure, sure, sure.

I'll tell you what.

After I settle in, you and I can

schedule some one-on-one

and get to know each other.

Yeah, that sounds nice.

-Hey, buddy.

-Um...

Just a little HR talk.

Thanks, Mandy.

-We'll circle...

-Hey, that's my...

Where are you taking

Fuzz Aldrin?

Fuzz Aldrin, the janitor has...

Why?

Long time no see. Am I right?

Listen, Evan. I know you and I

had a little falling out.

But as far as I'm concerned,

water under the bridge.

-Ancient history.

-Okay, good--

It's all about

the company now, right?

-Wait--

-I knew I could count on you.

This is mine--

MIKE:
Boom shaka laka.

Who's the noob now, b*tch?

Oh, now you wanna be

a little kid.

Okay. Well, you can cry

all night long

'cause you just got

your ass whupped by a grownup

with a big-ass dick.

I'm gonna kill you.

Yeah.

Yeah. No, I'mma f*** you up.

I'm gonna f***...

you up.

Yeah, I see you.

F***in' eat that sh*t.

Hey.

Jesus, man! You gotta f***ing

warn someone before you do that.

Office hours are over.

Yeah, well,

high-speed internet's free,

and Elaine left

her Souplantation in the fridge.

So, velvet rope off

this motherf***er right here

because this is gonna be

my own personal club tonight.

-Okay.

-Oh.

And I'm gonna be dialing up

some Youjizz

and busting out some knuckle

children in a couple of minutes

so unless you wanna mop me up

here and here

and here

and a little bit here

-and some over here--

-I'll go take a smoke break.

Oh, yeah, I'm back.

Oh, are the tears back?

Good. Yeah, take that.

Oh. Oh-ho.

I hear the tears already coming.

What the sh*t?

I'm gonna go take a dump now.

If anyone wanna steal something

from this company,

I'd be gone way too long

to do anything about it.

Ha.

Hilarious, man.

Turning the lights out

on the guy in the shitter, man.

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