Bloodsucking Bastards Page #3

You must be some kind

of a prank savant, right?

All right, man. Whoever's doing

this better knock it off.

Colonel Sanders.

Still hilarious.

Hey, is Mike here already?

-His car is in the garage.

-That's a negative, sir.

-Do you know who Mike is?

-That's a negative, sir.

How do you know he's not here?

I unlocked the doors myself

at 0600,

and no unfamiliars

have penetrated my perimeter,

I've been on full alert.

So, full alert, huh?

I believe I know this cat, sir.

Okay, uh, at ease

or carry on.

Nah, I must be dreaming.

Max called me at 6 a.m.

this morning to come in early.

I haven't been up before dawn

since straight is great camp

What?

I wasn't gay. They just had

a really good archery program.

All right. So you've told me.

This situation sucks, dude.

I mean, we gotta do

something about this, right?

I mean, can you believe how much

they've screwed us here?

Us?

Yeah. I mean, I was all ready

for you to become sales manager.

I wanted that for you, man.

'Cause what's better than having

your best friend as your boss?

-Yeah.

-Now then...

I mean, I would have gotten away

with everything.

But now...

I mean, you get me, man.

You know? You allow me to be me

in the workplace.

-Useless slacker.

-Exactly.

-Worthless.

-Yeah.

-Gotta have one.

-I mean, look at me, man.

Look at me.

Our perfect routine

is broken.

Yeah, you, you are

the real victim here.

I know.

But hey, man.

You got hosed too, kinda.

Oh.

By the way...

No.

No. You gotta be f***ing

kidding me. This is my desk now?

Well, officially, it's still

a photoprinter's desk.

But you can share it.

Do I get a chair?

Holy f***ing sh*t!

We're gonna get this place

lean and mean, Theodore.

We are gonna separate

the meat from the tallow.

We're going--

Mike is dead.

-Mike is f***ing dead!

-What?

Mike is dead

in the f***ing bathroom.

I went in there,

and someone ate his...

I don't know. I just had to go.

I just needed to go.

Jesus Christ, I'll never

take a sh*t again.

Evan, Evan, slow down.

What's up now?

Mike...

He didn't... Dead...

The bathroom.

Ted, call security.

I still have to go.

-Hey, Frank , we have to have--

-Code one emergency.

The forty dollars you owe me

for the NCAA tournament pool.

I'd join ya,

but I gotta get these papers.

Wait! Wait, wait, wait.

Don't open the door.

I'm-I'm sorry. I just,

I need to warn you.

I hope you all have

strong stomachs.

- Oh, boy.

That's disgusting.

I'll clean it again. It's--

What? No .

No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I-I...

I am telling you, this stall

was a f***ing horror show.

Evan, this isn't some way

of stalling on the Phallusite

presentation, is it?

-The what? What?

-The Phallusite presentation.

It's tomorrow.

If you're not ready--

No, no. I just...

I-I...

I'm not, I'm not ready yet,

all right? I'm not...

It will be ready, okay?

It will...

-Mike!

-I'll deal with Mike

whenever he decides

to roll in to work today.

You just keep your eye

on the ball, huh?

We're counting on you, slugger.

No. No.

What the f***!

Permission to speak freely.

Jesus Christ, Frank. Can we drop

the whole chain of command bit?

I'm just not in the mood.

You were right.

Someone drew first blood.

I need to talk to you.

Evan, if this is about us,

I just can't at work. I have--

Mike is dead.

What?

I found him in the men's room.

He was propped up in the stall

like some f***ed up marionette.

There was blood everywhere.

And then I went to get help,

and he was gone.

Oh, my God. I can't believe

you're doing this right now.

Doing what? Mike was dead

in the bathroom.

Did anyone else see the body?

Well, no. I-I-I went

to get help

and then when I came back,

he was gone.

Jesus! Evan, he's f***ing

with you. It's Mike.

He's probably doing it

as a joke.

Let's not forget

he's a complete a**hole, okay?

Yeah, he is kind of an a**hole,

but I-I-I don't know.

-This looked pretty real.

-Okay.

All right, let's, uh, let's

consider the possibilities then.

Option one,

somebody murdered Mike,

left him in the bathroom

and then moved

the body when you went

to get help.

Well, when you put it that way--

Or option two is that the most

obnoxious prick in the office

who would rather do anything

other than actually work,

played a practical joke on you.

Okay, now I'm gonna kill him.

Yeah, well, you've got

bigger fish to fry.

Okay, Max is cleaning house.

Mike was probably getting fired

even before the first stunt.

I have to nail

that presentation.

Yeah.

Thank you. Thank you.

-Hup, hup, hup, hup.

-Hup, hup, hup, hup.

Don't you two have

some work to do?

-Not really.

-Not really.

-Hup, hup, hup, hup.

-Hup, hup, hup, hup.

-Dave, right?

-Yeah.

I hear you're the guy

to talk to about office pools.

-Yeah.

-Company sports czar.

It's so weird. I have to try

to get people

-to call me that around here.

-Oh, yeah?

I should probably quit though.

My cat, Puddles, he

gets really jealous when I spend

too much time on,

his diabetes is acting off.

Oh, nonsense.

Morale is vital to the health

of any company.

And you make

an important contribution.

Let's pop into my man-cave, and

you can give me the Vegas tips

on the NBA playoffs and dirt

on upcoming events, you know?

Don't hit me.

Man stuff, all right.

-All right.

-Come on.

I got all sorts of ideas

for other office pools.

Competitive curling,

fantasy fishing, ant bite...

-Hup, hup, hup, hup.

-Hup, hup, hup, hup.

-Hup, hup, hup, hup.

-Hup, hup, hup, hup.

-Hup, hup, hup, hup.

-Hup, hup, hup, hup.

-Hup, hup, hup, hup.

-Hup, hup, hup, hup.

Dude, the record.

What's up, man.

You all right?

I...

I don't know. I don't know.

Right now, I'm just

trying to avoid getting fired.

That's smart.

That's a good plan.

-Welcome to the club, right?

-Right.

-Hup, hup, hup, hup.

-Hup, hup, hup, hup.

-Hup, hup, hup--

-Hup, hup, hup--

I want my $20

for the NCAA tournament pool.

-I told you, man. I...

-No excuses!

You gambled, you lost.

Now pay for your failures.

You need to chill out, Brian.

I will chill when I have

your $20 as well, Tim.

You have until 5 o'clock.

Don't make me come find you.

Evan, thank you for your

thoughtful and prompt payment.

It shall not be forgotten.

I...

What the f*** was that?

I didn't even enter

that pool.

Ah, sh*t. Mike's computer's

password protected.

That's probably a good thing.

There's an insane amount

of porn on that.

Uh...

How the hell am I gonna get

those sales figures?

You mean, you want

all the numbers, like...

Yeah, yeah. The spreadsheets

are on Mike's computer

and that's locked, so--

Oh, you don't have the password?

No, no. You know, I don't

wanna know the password,

so I'm gonna have to rebuild

the excel files from scratch.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can

totally help, you know.

Especially after what

Ted did to you.

That was just so horrible.

I know. Right? Yeah.

You must be having

such a horrible day.

So you think

you can help me out?

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