Bloodsucking Bastards Page #4

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I could totally go down

to the basement, and, um...

-grab the files for you.

-That's great.

You're a lifesaver, Zabs. Go-go

do that, and then we'll talk.

- Okay

- Okay. Bye-bye.

Bye. Run along.

-Hup, hup, hup, hup.

-Hup, hup, hup, hup.

-Hup, hup, hup.

-Hup, hup, hup.

-God.

-MAN:
Little help.

Really? Uh...

Oh!

Ev-Evan?

Okay.

Oh, sh*t.

I just got this skirt.

Come on.

Please, it's not the world.

It's just one night.

I have kick ball.

And you're starting

pitcher tonight.

I'm on that team.

I never get to go.

-He's terrible.

-God damn, Tim!

All right. Wh-what do I get

if I stay?

My undying gratitude.

The respect and admiration

of your peers.

- It's not me.

- Come on, man.

- Something valuable.

- Precious gems.

Straight-up cash.

If we land the account,

all the Phallusite

you'll ever need, free.

- No.

- Yes.

- No.

- Yes.

- You should be in sales.

- Yes!

Why do you care?

I...

I don't suppose I should

even bother to ask you.

Oh, I can't tonight. I've got

Kelly Clarkson tickets.

Oh, you had been

talking about that.

- Yeah.

- All right.

I like that Walk Away song,

though, I do.

Boom!

Nuh! Aww, man!

There goes all the burritos.

This is a conventional oven,

right?

Well, you know,

microwaving is a pretty

inexact science, Tim, so...

You know what?

Can I be blunt?

As opposed to how

you normally are?

So how long are you planning

on punishing Evan?

Jesus, Tim. I am not talking

to you about this right now.

Yes, you are, Mandy.

Damn it.

We are gonna have

this conversation right now.

Because, you know what?

Evan is a good guy.

You know it.

I know it. All right.

So he made one mistake.

- He's human.

- Yeah, well...

It was a pretty

big mistake, Tim.

What do you want me to say?

Okay, yeah.

Evan hurt my feelings.

Yeah, I guess that's exactly

what I wanted you to say.

You said it.

Well, yeah.

Look, I'm not trying

to pile on to you emotionally,

Right.

but look, we all think

you're awesome.

Yup, yup. Awesome Amanda.

Dating me is like dating a dude.

- It's really great.

- Never heard anyone say that.

It's not like I was expecting

a f***ing proposal, okay?

And this may not have occurred

to you, but it was actually

really difficult for me

to even say

the "L" word,

and please, do not make

a lesbian joke right now.

That seems inappropriate.

I wouldn't have done that.

You always make lesbian jokes.

Not in front of lesbians.

Or women, you know,

with lesbian haircuts.

Look.

I wasn't even expecting him

to say it back right away.

But Jesus, Tim. "No?"

Oh, yeah.

He said no. Like what kind

of a response is that?

-Not a positive one.

-Yeah.

It would have...

It would have honestly hurt less

if he just would have said

nothing at all.

Hey, Evan.

TIM:
Hmm, sh*t.

Mandy is upset because

I was using the microwave,

and I just didn't understand

how the buttons work,

and I blew up my burrito, and

it was, like, the fourth one.

She wanted to microwave

her salad, I think and...

-We were talking about you.

-Clearly.

Amanda Baron.

Your friends call you Mandy,

but Amanda is better, stronger.

A name with fingernails

I can dig into a man's back.

Um...

interesting observation.

I smell lust.

I can hear your heart

all broken.

And wet.

That's really weird, okay?

Evan doesn't deserve you.

Perhaps you just need

a woman's touch.

Shouldn't you be answering

the phones?

I like your dress.

No money was ever transferred.

You can't just give yourself

a checkmark.

I put a checkmark on the board.

That's a sale, man.

Tick-tock, motherf***er.

Yes. Yes,

you can borrow 20 bucks.

Quick.

So please, just give me

your address and your e-mail

and your Social Security,

and I'll send it out.

Go ahead.

One...

Five o'clock.

See you f***ers tomorrow.

Oh, did anybody see

which way Dave went?

Hey, but I gave you 20 bucks.

-Evan?

-Oh.

Oh. Hi, Elaine, hi.

Sorry. Sorry you lost your job.

Oh.

Oh, thank you, Elaine.

All right, man.

Well, I'll see you tomorrow.

Phallusite.

Well, it was worth a shot.

And you can call me Ward Cleaver

'cause I just banged out June.

Nice.

You can call me Uncle Ben

because I just nailed May.

Nice.

Hey, we keep this up,

we might not have to sleep here.

Oh, Amen, brother.

Oh sh*t.

Zabeth only brought up

the hard copies through July.

Can you run downstairs

and get August?

In the basement?

-Yeah.

-Oh, man.

That place has freaked me out

ever since they found that

whimsical gimp mask.

You know, Elaine walked off

with that.

Come on, man. Please. Just go.

Think of it as a field trip.

You don't have to work

for one minute.

Actually, that's pretty

good argument.

There you go.

Ooh, no, no, no, no, no.

Don't do it, Evan.

Bad idea.

Ah, f*** that. It was my office

longer than it was his.

Oh, Jesus Christ, Zabeth.

You scared the sh*t out of me.

What the hell were you even

doing down here?

Oh, sh*t. Of course.

Um, ass-hat?

I thought perhaps it was Evan

coming down, but now I see.

Why send a boy

to do a man's job?

Well, I couldn't agree more.

The douche-nozzle.

Yeah, I should stop doing that.

You know, I always had

a thing for you, right?

- Really?

- Mm-hmm.

'Cause I always thought you

wanted me to die in a car fire.

Oh, no, no, no, no. Why would

my baby think of me like that?

Because you said, "Andrew,

I hope you die in a car fire."

Got some new hires, huh?

Well, that's not a surprise.

You were very specific to the

make, the model, the mileage.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

I was just wasting my time

pining on Evan.

And Evan is just that.

A waste.

Oh, Max. You sick f***.

Okay, come on.

Evan's my friend,

and he's the only person

in this office who...

- Aah!

- You're right. F*** that guy.

Well, Tim. I mean...

What? Really?

Oh, what are you doing?

How do...

Well...

What? I'm the one person

in the office

you haven't made a decision on.

Okay, full disclaimer.

There might be some slight

discoloration issues down there,

but if it helps, you can pretend

you're boning the Hulk.

Actually, I don't want

to over promise that.

Let's go with Kermit.

Ho-ha!

Huh! Well, well, well.

My buddy Ted will be

very interested in this.

I have severely underestimated

the versatility

of Anne Taylor Loft.

Oh, God! You bit my lip.

Do we need a safe word?

Oh!

Scream for me.

Okay. You know what?

I'm as kinky as the next guy.

Well, you have Zabeth.

Oh, God!

Okay, I took

a self-defense class for women

to pick up chicks, and the sh*t

they teach you there is nasty.

Dave? What the hell does he do?

No! Foot stomp, eye gouge,

crotch kick.

- Excellent suggestion.

-Ah!

Well, that's different.

Oh, God!

I will still f*** you

if you scream.

What the hell does that mean?

Oh, God!

I just didn't say when.

All right, Max.

We'll see what Ted

has to say about this.

Oh, man, you would

not believe what I...

Are you... Son of a b*tch!

If you bailed on me...

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