Bloodsucking Bastards Page #5

Andrew?

Dude, if this is another

f***ing bit like Mike's...

-Run.

-Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Oh, sh*t! Andrew, you all right?

Okay, okay, hold on.

I'm gonna get help.

What the f*** is happening?

Somebody here went to Harvard?

Who the f*** would do this?

Max.

Max. You f***ing a**hole.

Oh f***!

Oh, come on

Amanda. Amanda, it's me.

I'm at the office.

I just saw Andrew get killed.

And now they're after me,

and I think it's Max.

MAX:
Oh, gosh, buddy.

That hurts my feelings.

I'm sure Amanda is great

in a crisis,

but don't you think

this call is more suited to 911?

What have you done with Amanda?

I just devoured her

fabulous Ossobuco

Who knew Mandy was such

a demon in the kitchen?

Absolutely open another bottle

as long as it's red.

What?

Max, you son of a b*tch.

You listen to me, right now!

-Oh, f***!

-Do I hear banging?

On your end. I mean, there's no

banging happening here, yet.

Wait, are you on my phone?

It's Evan calling to tell us

he's absolutely crushing

the presentation tomorrow.

Do you want to talk to him?

Uh, no. No, it's okay.

Amanda!

Sorry, buddy.

You're stuck with me.

God damn it, Max.

I swear to God

if you lay one finger on her...

I think you better focus

on your own problems, bro.

But I'll give Amanda your best.

Actually, I'll give her mine.

-Max, no.

-It's better.

Max! F***!

F***! F***-ety f***!

F***!

Situation is suited

for 911, huh?

F*** it. That was stupid.

All right. Where were we?

"Where are we?"

Is the more

pertinent question.

-What?

-You...

have beautiful eyes.

Uh, we should get started.

We have the whole company

to get through, so...

Don't I know it.

Ah!

Hey, Ted. Oww.

Mind explaining yourself?

Ted's here.

I, uh, I don't know.

I don't know.

I, uh, was working

on the presentation.

And uh...

Oh, my God! Andrew!

"Oh, my God, Andrew," is right.

Without him, today would have

been a total disaster.

What? No, no. Andrew is dead.

Dead tired after

that all-nighter.

The presentation.

Signed, sealed, and delivered.

Andrew, you start prepping

my office for the Phallusite.

I want you to run

this presentation today.

You got it, boss.

Bounce.

Evan, what the hell

happened to you?

You've always been

a model employee, but I...

I can't overlook a

pooch-screwing this monumental.

Ted. Ted, Ted.

Let's not be hasty.

Andrew finished the job but

Evan laid down the groundwork.

Look at this poor fellow.

He was just passed over

for a promotion.

He slept in the supply closet,

and he smells like

a dead wharf hooker.

-You smell it now?

-He's just having a rough patch.

Let's give him

a pass on this one, okay?

I...

Max brought doughnuts.

I would love to tell you

about our exceptional product,

Abinatrix.

Abinatrix is 100% natural.

Abinatrix is for everyone

of all ages.

Dude, that sucked man.

Abinatrix is recommended

by most doctors.

No, I don't understand

what the hell is going on.

I did not imagine

all that stuff last night, Tim.

And why the hell

did Max save my job?

You know what, man?

I thought that was weird too,

but on the plus side,

at least he didn't turn you into

a vampire like everyone else.

Mom, look,

just buy Abinatrix all right?

What?

I haven't had a sale all month

and I'm going to get fired.

Dude, what are you doing? That

was going to be my first sale.

Tim! Vampires?

Oh, okay. Well,

it's just a few things I've been

noticing here and there.

A shoe?

-That was your evidence?

-Well, I'm not done yet.

Okay, that is

significantly weirder

and Zabeth

has been acting strangely.

Agreed, but what really

convinced me...

--Poor, poor, Elaine.

All ginger and no joy.

-I don't-I don't mind.

-Yes, you do.

-Oh, that's...

-I want you so bad.

Oh, I am so busy.

--I can't. I can't.

Uh, I'm, I'm a virgin.

You all are.

So basically, I saw Max turn

Elaine into a vampire, ergo...

-Max is a vampire.

-The head vampire, presumably.

Right. This all started

after he got here.

-It's only logical.

-AMANDA:
Logical?

Oh, there's a part of this story

that you guys think is logical?

Well, maybe not logical,

but true.

I don't know what kind of a game

you're trying to play here, Evan

but it is not funny or endearing

or working.

And you, you let him

drag you into this too?

I thought you were smarter

than that.

-Really?

-Really?

-And today of all days.

-What day is it?

I knew that you were selfish

and immature, Evan,

but I did not think that you

would commit career suicide

to impress me, it's,

It's pretty lame.

Damn it, Amanda! I'm not trying

to commit career suicide.

I'm trying to prevent

career homicide!

Oh, good one.

Oh, well, yeah,

it just came out.

We have to get out of here.

The only thing I have to do

is that Phallusite presentation

because I actually give a sh*t

about my job, so...

-Touche.

-Wait, wait, wait. Wait.

-How do you explain Andrew?

-What about Andrew?

He stayed here all night

working. He looks amazing.

-Yeah, he does.

-Exactly!

You don't think that proves

supernatural forces

are at work here?

All right, Evan, I'm done.

I'm done with--

What? Amanda! Amanda, wait,

wait, wait. Wait.

Please, wait. I know this

all sounds crazy. I know.

But please,

you have to believe me.

I love you.

No.

So that's what it sounded like.

F*** it. I don't care

if she hates me forever,

I am not letting

the woman I love

get turned into

a blood-sucking vampire.

Bam-snap!

What?

Is it just me or is this office

getting darker?

-And colder too. Look.

-Oh.

Okay, it's time we alert

the authorities.

-You mean call the cops?

-Yes.

And tell them what?

I mean, everybody that we want

to report is dead, is here...

-And working.

-Sh*t.

Or turned to food.

Oh, god! That was

Mike's real body.

Grody.

Oh, poor Andrew.

Hey, we did get a bell.

Bitchin'.

It's a great idea.

I think Max really listens

to what I have to say.

Dave.

Andrew has 14 sales today?

F***!

He's totally going to win

that Chilli's gift certificate.

Look, we need to get Amanda

and we need to get

the f*** out of here.

Everyone in this office

has been turned--

Well, not everyone.

Come on.

Anybody need anything

from the... break room.

-Colonel Sanders.

-At ease, Soldier.

No, no, no, not at ease.

It's war time.

Right, right, right. Yeah.

I, uh...

-Attention.

-Attention.

Frank, we need your help, okay?

This is going to sound insane,

but the entire office

has been turned into--

Vampires. Affirmative, sir.

What? What, you know?

Oh! Did I not mention

that Frank was there?

No, Tim. God damn it.

No, you didn't.

Sorry, my bad.

We hang out a lot actually.

By the way, how amazing was that

Kelly Clarkson

concert last night?

American Idol?

More like American Treasure.

Her voice literally sings.

-It does sing.

-Her singing sings.

Oh, how did you get home?

I blacked out.

This is not what we're here

to talk about.

We need to get upstairs, Frank,

we need your help.

We need to get Amanda and

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