Bloodsucking Bastards Page #6

we need to get the hell out of--

No, no, no, we can't

just go up there.

The place is a den

of the undead right now.

We need to arm ourselves.

We need weapons and sh*t.

I was waiting for you

to say that.

I've got just the thing.

-Weapons!

-Okay, okay.

When she came after that second

encore, I was like, "whaaat!"

Almost fainted.

What kills vampires?

-Stakes.

-Yeah.

Anything wooden

you can jam into their heart.

Or a sharp blade.

Decapitations work too.

Did you think

this was my first vampire?

I'm a licensed security guard.

You don't get this patch without

dusting a few puncture monkeys.

I looked some stuff up

on Wikipedia.

- Oh.

All right, what else?

Holy water, garlic?

Ooh, I make a really good

40-clove chicken.

But we probably don't have time

for that right now, guys.

Sunlight. That burns them up.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Does it?

Because, I mean,

it's daytime right now

and they don't seem to be

too bothered by it.

Correct, but that's because this

facility has a limited number

of windows to minimize

visual distractions

and maximize climate control

and security.

You're telling me sunlight

does kill vampires,

but we get so little of it

in this fluorescent shithole,

that they're just fine?

-Good god, that's depressing.

-Yes, sir, it is.

Sir, I swear to god

there was an arsenal

of immense proportions

in this van this morning.

Someone has violated

the sovereignty

of my vehicular transport.

They got your stereo, too.

-Oh, son of a b*tch.

-Hey!

Oh, my god! Man, hey, hey.

You can't just... Okay, okay.

Listen, we need your help.

All right, this is

going to sound insane,

but the entire office

has been turned into--

Vampires, yeah.

-Did everybody know but me?

-Yeah, it seems that way.

--Oh, f***!

Oh, my god, you're a vampire!

Holy sh*t!

Max turned the f***ing janitor.

Well, that one actually makes

sense if you think about it.

You're creating

a lot of dead bodies--

Yeah, you got blood.

It's smeared all over

the walls, man.

People are struggling,

they're breaking things.

You got vans coming in

full of weapons.

-You got to clear that out.

-Okay, okay, I get it.

I get it. All right, yeah.

Great idea.

-He's still a f***ing a**hole.

-Did you guys really not notice?

He turned me day one. I've been

a vampire this whole...

I-I chased you

through the cubicles.

Last night? That was you?

Um...

It was really dark.

I mean, I was scared.

Look, it's not personal. We just

don't know you that well.

Yeah. No, no, no. Right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know? I mean, we work

upstairs, we're busy and you...

Well, how about his?

That's,

that's scary, yeah.

-The teeth--

-Don't patronize me! God!

Do you even know my name?

-Janitor?

-Janitor.

Always keep a provisional weapon

on your person.

Wait, where?

In my--

Wikipedia did not mention that.

No, no, no.

Okay, okay, wait, wait.

This means that they can die,

all right?

You just need to find weapons.

Oh, hey, maybe the janitor

put Frank's weapons in...

Oh, god, how have they not

dumped the bodies yet?

Trash pick up is on Saturdays

unless you make a special

request,

but that's like 60 bucks.

Seriously?

God, this f***ing company sucks.

I've got towels in my car.

Hi, we're the Phallusite

Corporation.

We have a 4 o'clock meeting?

Meeting's canceled.

Go. Go. Go, go, go, go.

Say what you want about Elaine,

she always did stock the sh*t

out of the supply closet.

Bam-snap!

That's growing on me.

What?

-Bam-snap!

-Yeah!

Today, we become men.

-Or vampires.

-Or dead.

God, Frank,

what's wrong with you?

It's bull piss.

It's gonna beat your ass.

How many of those

do you drink a day?

As many as it takes.

Jeez, anyone that probably

takes a bite out of you

is going to be up for a week.

Okay, there's a lot of them.

Let's focus.

We get into Ted's office,

we grab Mandy,

-we get out of here.

-We got your back, Colonel.

Colonel Sanders.

Like the chicken guy.

I just got that.

All right,

vam time. Focus.

Okay, okay, okay.

No sudden movements, all right?

Just calm careful motions.

Like you're playing Jenga.

So, you know, generally it's got

to be some kind of pass.

-People call yet?

-No, not yet.

Maybe they're stuck in traffic.

I don't recognize

a lot of these people.

That, that's the IT guy.

There's Marketing.

There's the Customer Service

Call center.

-I hired everyone in there.

-That is ironic.

Only if they eat us.

Tim.

What? Oh, did I jinx us?

My bad.

Sanders, what the hell

are you doing?

Have, have you lost your mind?

Amanda, I love you, but you have

no idea whats going on here.

-Now you're saying way too much.

-Tim... Ted, we have a problem.

Max, in addition to being a

douchebag, is also a vampire

and he's turning every one

of your employees

from the janitor on up.

By the way, your neck-biting

custodial buddy

is doing his best impression

of a Jackson Pollock painting

in the parking garage.

-Bam-snap!

-AMANDA:
Jesus Christ.

Evan, what the f***

have you done?

Do you have any idea how hard it

is to find good custodial help?

You popped Jerry?

-Jerry.

-Jerry.

-That sounds familiar.

-That was... Yeah. Yeah.

-That was so embarrassing.

-I was like...

Did you just miss

the whole un-dead thing, sir?

Yeah.

God damn it,

I know they're vampires.

Uh, wait. What?

I track how many paperclips

we use per quarter,

you think I wouldn't notice

a vampire company take-over?

How many paperclips do

we use per quarter?

-Tim!

-Uh, last quarter, 22415.

See? Look at him.

He's a model employee now.

Wait, you did this

intentionally?

Corporate was threatening

to shut down the entire branch,

I simply presented Ted

with an alternative.

His methods may seem

a little unorthodox,

but you can't argue

with the results.

After your little stunt

in college!

The only school

that would take me

was this university in Romania.

But it turns out, it had

a very unique MBA program,

a whole new paradigm

in business management

What? Turning your employees

into vampires? That's sick!

Evan, this company was sick.

Employees calling in with fake,

dead grandmothers

so that they could go out

to the ballpark.

Video game tournaments

during office hours,

and look at your browser

histories.

-I know you watch porn all day.

-That was mainly mine.

At least now we have a future.

Yeah, funny your usage

of the word "we" there.

What's that supposed to mean?

Max was gonna

f***ing eat you.

I saw it in his files.

Why do you think he hasn't

turned you yet, Ted?

He was going to turn me last.

Make it special with candles.

-Oh.

-That makes sense.

You were going to force me out?

Hey, quick, while you still have

time, Ted. Fire this--

--Oh god!

It actually works.

He really did that.

That is the worst part

of this job. Firing people.

Oh, sh*t. Jeez. He just...

-Hey, Mandy.

-His neck--

Have you not been listening

this entire time?

We are vampires.

That's what we do.

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