Bloodsucking Bastards Page #7

We get... Still sounds so weird

saying vampires.

So you just do it?

It's true. Amanda you got to

start working

on your stubbornness if you want

to be a part of the team.

Oh! F*** your team, Max!

I'm taking Amanda and we're

walking out of here un-undead.

Is that so?

Yeah, I'm gonna,

I'm gonna do that.

Oh.

-Okay.

-Okay?

Well, show yourselves out.

Can I have a thing, maybe a...

This will do.

-Bye, gang.

-Okay, yeah.

-See you guys.

-See you, man.

You got that? You got the door?

Back up. Back up!

Holy sh*t!

-Are all these people vampires?

-Yes, ma'am.

Mandy, I don't want to die

without telling you

how I really feel.

Well, then shut the f*** up,

so you have a reason

to survive this sh*t.

-So what now, Colonel?

-Honestly, I have no idea.

I never thought

we'd live this long.

To think you came to rescue me

and you didn't plan an escape?

Oh, don't Princess Leah me.

I'm thinking.

-Okay, I've got it.

-Oh, hey, Dave.

Good luck getting

your 20 bucks now, b*tch.

-God damn it, Tim.

-Oops.

God damn it. Now I'm definitely

gonna have to wash this shirt.

Do you want me to, uh,

dive in?

Oh, no, no, no, no. I need you

to learn how to delegate.

Hey, decapitate.

You gotta take it off.

Hair pulling?!

Yipee-Taekwondo-rogue-

a-motherf***er. Oh, sh*t!

Oh, God! Your breath

smells like cat-food.

Oh, I don't like this

And I defended your hire.

-Does this happen every time?

-Yeah. Yeah, basically.

Not if you kill them

first, people.

Learn how to take the initiative

if you don't want me

to micro-manage.

This is about the story

as far as I--

Well,

now it's time to go to work.

AMANDA:
Oh, sh*t.

Jesus,

those walls are thin.

So, my question is,

"When do you let your people

make their own mistakes

so that they can learn?"

and "when do you just jump in

and do the job yourself

because you're more efficient?"

-It's a balance to be sure.

-Yeah.

I'm going to need

a minute, Dave.

I think I've re-injured my back.

God damn it, Amanda!

I finally started boning her.

Sorry.

Whoa-ho-ho!

You know what?

That almost felt like--

Oh, come on.

Whoa! Did it just get dark?

Should we be intervening here?

I mean, we are losing

a lot of employees.

Oh, don't worry about it.

It's mostly marketing.

Oh, okay,

I'll just run an ad.

You f***er. Take that.

Are you trying to repel me

with a cross made of pencils?

Still, a good manager knows

when his staff

is getting overextended.

Be a dear and call downstairs

for me, would you?

Can I use your office?

This is just,

kind of flat out here.

Yeah, feel free.

Make yourself at home.

I know you rigged the raffle

to win the office trip to Cabo

this year.

That trip was mine!

You do not want to know

where that came from.

who am I gonna get to stock

the supply closet now?

I'm not a vampire expert,

a**hole.

Enough. I want my $20,

and then you die.

I'm saving it

for something else.

Why don't we ever go dancing?

Monday night is salsa night

at Vida Loca.

I hope you

and your d*ckhead pals

enjoyed picking on poor Dave,

because now my veins surge

with a thousand generations

of death.

My claws are like hammers,

my teeth are like swords!

I am vengeance!

And I am immortal!

Eww.

I knew you were a good vampire.

I'm not a good vampire.

I just always hated Dave.

Well, what now, a**hole?

Yeah, it looks like

you're fresh out of friends.

Nah, I'll make more.

Oh, that's a lot of blood!

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-Are you secure?

-Not in the slightest.

Huh?

ANDREW:
F*** that NCAA pool.

That was a bullshit foul

at the end of the UNC game.

F***ing Duke.

-You hungry?

-Yeah.

I can punch right into

this thing. It's hilarious.

--Yeah!

Oh, honestly, guys,

did you really think it was

going to be that easy?

No, not at first, but then it...

-Once we got going, it was...

-MAX:
Oh, come on!

You think I would attempt to

take over this entire company

without consulting legal first?

Oh, lawyers?

Amanda, a private word with you

in my office please.

Um, Amanda,

where are you going?

Uh, I don't

really know actually.

Hey, remember when I did this

to your girlfriend in college

without using

supernatural powers?

Hey, I'm just saying why go pro

when your school has a chance

at the Championships?

Run the risk of injury?

No way man.

You got to take the money

and run.

Evan, you can go home

for the day.

Frank, you can die.

It has been an honor

and a pleasure

to serve with you, Colonel...

But it's time we parted ways.

Any-who, I'm going to

turn you now.

I hope that's cool.

No, I don't want to

be a vampire.

No, no, no, Frank. They will,

they will eat you alive.

Literally. Literally, literally.

Not the bullshit way

most people use it.

You never know

if you're the kind of guy

who'll jump on a grenade,

till it lands at your feet.

Man, that's intense.

Being a vampire is amazing.

We had a crazy vampire orgy

last night

It was mind-blowing.

Yeah, but I just got some

new golf clubs...

Thanks, Frank.

I'm going to recommend you

for a meritorious service medal

when all this is over.

I'm not going to let you

stake me so...

Some pickle, huh?

Much obliged, sir. Now go

in there and kill our boss.

Come on! Come on, get him!

Oh, hey, pal! I was just about

to turn your girl

and f*** her on Ted's desk.

Sorry. My desk.

You f***ing dick.

Amanda, you need to focus

on your job.

HR is going to be swamped

with all the new hires

we're going to need.

Oh, let's just get this

over with.

I'd rather die than listen

to your lame management style

any longer.

My management style

is effective. And refreshing.

Okay, option seven, you just

eat like raccoons and stuff.

That is disgusting. No.

Evan, do you remember

what I said we sell here?

-Dreams?

-Yeah, that was bullshit.

We sell fear.

Option eight, I don't turn you,

I just kill you.

No, that doesn't work for me,

'cause then I'm just dead.

Our customers are afraid.

Afraid that life

is passing them by,

which to be fair, it is.

And that is why you

are perfect for this place.

Because you are a coward.

I'm sorry?

Okay, option nine, I let you go

but you have to promise

not to kill anyone.

No way, man.

A vamp's got to eat.

You were afraid to tell Amanda

you love her because of why?

Because you work together?

Because she earns more than you?

Roshambo?

Winner chooses our fate?

One, two, three, yes! Sorry.

You didn't even have the balls

to quit

when this incompetent turd

passed you over

for the guy you hate most

on the face of the Earth.

You are so afraid of life.

And you actually

want to be sales manager

in this shithole.

Mandy!

We are trying

to have a conversation.

--No!

-Well, two out of three?

-Yeah.

One, two, three.

I am not going to change you.

That's right.

I'll leave you alive and stuck

in this pathetic pointless job

now, until the day you die.

This suit is bespoke.

One, two, three.

sharing the desk

with the photo printer,

while I stay young

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