Blue in the Face Page #8

And if I want a Boston egg cream,

should I go to Boston?

I want to go to Las Vegas

right now!

And I'm goin' with you,

or I'm goin' without you.

Because I already have money.

So are you goin' with me or not?

And I'm not even gonna ask you. Forget that

I said that, because you already said no.

So I'm not gonna let you

f***ing tell me no one more time.

We're going to Vegas...

right now!

- We're going to...

- Right the f*** now.

- We're going to Vegas, Auggie.

- Have a good time.

- All right? Yeah, we're going to Vegas.

- We're really goin'? Okay.

- Okay?

- Okay. Right now?

- All right.

- We're not gonna have...

- We're goin' to Vegas.

- Come on.

- Auggie.

- See ya.

Adios.

Are we really gonna go?

Vegas.

You stand right there, okay?

Okay. Here we go.

In the words

of the famous poet...

Billy Shake-a-speare...

I quote you:

What are you doin'?

"To be or not to be?

That is the question."

Jimmy, lock the door.

Put the closed sign on.

Well, Auggie... I am!

Okay? So that is that.

Come here, because

I'm going to make love to you.

And I'm going to ride you

like a big bull.

Ay.! What's this?

Is this for me?

Oh, yeah, baby,

this is mine.

This is mine, all mine, and only mine.

I cannot bear the thought of you being

with another woman. It makes me crazy!

Never know how much

I love you

Never know how much I care

When you put your arms

around me

I get a fever

that's so hard to bear

You give me fever Yeah

When you kiss me

Fever when you hold me tight

Fever Ooh, in the morning

Fever all through the night

Fever

Ay, yeah, Augusto.

Fever Ooh, in the morning

Fever all through the night

Daddy, don't you treat me right

Pow, pow, pow

Ooh

What a lovely way to burn

Ah, ah, ah

Fever

You like a Spanish women?

I'm glad you like a Spanish women,

because I am Spanish woman.

Ay, ay, ay yeah

S- s-s-s-s

You give me fever

I can't get enough of you,

Auggie!

Is this the

Brooklyn Cigar Company?

In the flesh.

What can I do you for?

I'm looking for

a Mr. Augustus Ren.

- Well, you found him, beautiful.

- Great.

I've never been to Brooklyn before.

I wasn't sure I'd find you.

Well, Brooklyn's on the map. We've even

got streets out here. Electricity too.

You don't say? Well?

- Well what?

- I have a telegram for you.

- Nobody's dead, I hope.

- A singing telegram.

This gets better and better.

- You ready?

- Ready when you are.

Chee-chee chee-chee-chee

chee-chee

The deal is off Stop

Ba-da-da-da-da-da-da Boom

Not sellin' the store Stop

Ba-da-da-da-da-da-da Boom

I'll see you next week Stop

Ba-da-da-da-da-da-da Boom

Chee-chee chee-chee-chee

chee-chee

I'm sending you love

Love, love

From Las Vegas

- Ba-da-da-da-da-da-da Boom

- Ooh!

Dynamite, sweetheart.

Dynamite.

I say that's worth at least a $5 tip.

Five dollars?

Thanks a lot, mister.

I'll finally be able to buy that

hearing aid my mother always wanted.

Anytime you got some more good news,

you know where to find me.

"The deal is off."

Ba-ba boom.

"Not selling the store.

Stop. See you next week.

Love from Las Vegas."

Ba-ba boom, Jimmy!

Ba-boom! Ba-boom!

- We don't have to leave?

- No. We don't have to leave, Jimmy.

Keep sweepin'.

Sweep all of Brooklyn, Jimmy.

Brooklyn is yours.

That's most of it, I think.

Who knows why

all those crazy things happened.

I mean, maybe

Vinny really did see a ghost.

And maybe Violet really

was gonna rip my guts out.

Who could be sure

of anything?

I love you!

What I do know is that the day after

Vinny and Dot left for Las Vegas...

the temperature in Brooklyn dropped

below 90 for the first time in two weeks.

- Wow.

- Well, what are you two lovebirds up to?

A hell of a lot!

- Do you mind if I join in?

- Of course. Be my guest.

So I decided

to throw a little party.

Things had pretty much returned to normal, and

I was feeling good enough to wanna celebrate.

All right, Brooklyn,

I'm gonna teach you a new dance.

It's called "The Brooklyn Cha-Cha."

It's real simple, okay?

It goes like this, okay? Step, step,

cross, open, back, back, cha-cha-cha.

It wasn't my fault

that things got out of hand.

When 572 citizens of Brooklyn

show up in the same spot...

spirits are bound to run high.

To tell the truth,

I wasn't around to see it all.

Violet and I had other business

to attend to that night...

and I sort of lost track

of the time.

Nine months later, I was passing out

cigars myself... free of charge.

It was a boy.

We named him Jackie.

His first solid food

was a Belgian waffle.

Baseball is a beautiful game.

You can't blame it on 'em.

I'm not talking about the game.

The point is...

I'm just saying personally,

the way I feel about it.

I understand. But you don't see

the beauty of the game?

Just forget it.

Dennis, forget it.

- Are you the chief?

- Yeah.

El jefecito, eh?

I got something for that thing, huh?

- Huh?

- I got something for you.

- What?

- Cuban cigars.

- Yeah?

- I got some connection. I could do like that.

And you could... you could be okay, man.

- What kind of cigars you got?

- He almost had me. He almost had me.

- What're you talkin' about, okay?

- Come on, Auggie. Don't you see it?

- This is serious business here, man.

- See? You hear that voice?

- He was in here last year with the watches.

- What're you talkin' about, man?

- You don't know me, man. I got connections.

- He was in here.

- You got to be f***ing kidding me.

- I can do that for you, man.

- I got connections.

- I don't believe this.

- Man, gimme a kiss.

- What'd I tell you?

- You want a kiss, baby?

- Gimme a kiss.

Oh, man, another scam, huh?

Always on the scam.

- Were you serious about the cigars?

- No.

- Oh!

- Oh, man. You got a hustle for everything.

- What? Do you like it here? Were you lonely?

- Wh-What do you think?

- You like it? You like me like this?

- You look good!

- You like it?

- Nice.

- Te gusta?

- Who are you this week?

- Valentino.

- Valentino, huh?

- Valentino. The lover. The Latin lover! The lover!

- Like me.

Do you sit at home

and think this stuff up?

No, actually I'm on my way.

I got a 3:
30 appointment.

- I got a record contract that... might happen.

- Ooh!

- Do you wanna buy a bridge?

- Very funny.

No, seriously, man, seriously.

No, I'm very musical.

- He's got the voice for it.

- He could, he could do it.

- I got a record deal happenin'.

- I think he could do it.

- Sure, man, you got a voice.

- You know, God bless Brooklyn to make me who I am today.

I'm glad you guys like the suit. I figured I'd

try to pull one more scam on you before I go.

Pull a scam on the man!

'Cause, see. You understand. Like...

- Where're you from?

- Me?

- Yeah.

- Well, my family's from...

"My family!" Why do they always do that?

Man, he's from Italy.

- Where're you from? France? You French now?

- I'm proud to be...

- I'm Puerto Rican all the way through.

- You're Puerto Rican.

- I'm Puerto Rican, but...

- What's wrong with you guys, man? Jesus Christ!

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