Blue Mountain State: The Rise of Thadland

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Hi, I'm Alex.

I play football for the

greatest college in the world,

blue mountain

state university.

We excel at three things here,

science, social awareness

and...

I'm kidding.

It's a straight party school,

no one goes to class here.

This is Sammy,

he's my best friend.

That's Donnie,

he likes to drink.

Harmon, he likes drugs.

Mary Jo, she's a cheerleader.

This is Larry.

Ah, what can we say about

Larry? I don't know.

We'll think about it.

That's our coach.

He's legendary.

Oh, and this is thad.

He was our team captain.

Great football player,

terrible person.

He just graduated and

I couldn't be happier,

because this is

my senior year.

Without question,

this is going to be

the greatest year of my life.

They call him the

fifty million dollar man!

Last month was the NFL draft

where thad castle of blue

mountain state was selected.

Number one overall, a pick

that was widely regarded

to be enormously risky.

Now is he the most naturally

gifted linebacker we've seen

since Lawrence Taylor?

Yes.

Is he also the least naturally

gifted when it comes

to making decisions,

off the field?

An even bigger yes.

I'm dhani Jones here

with thad castle

to discuss his new

fame and fortune.

Thad castle,

thanks for being here.

You're welcome

for having me.

Thad, let's just get

right into it,

multi-million dollar contract.

Peanuts.

Fifty million dollar

signing bonus.

Peanuts.

Are you calling

fifty million dollars

peanuts?

It's a good start,

but honestly,

I expected to be

making billions.

With a "b"?

No.

With a dollar sign.

Thad, what are you

gonna do with

all this money?

Probably just...

Make myself happy.

Like the other day,

I was feeling so down.

I almost cried.

I went out and

bought 97 guns.

I love guns.

I got a pistol,

a machine gun,

a call of duty gun,

a halo gun.

And I got a tank.

I got this one gun

that just shoots

for 45 seconds, straight.

Oh, also,

I bought a zoo.

I got wolves

and giraffes,

I got monkeys.

Mountain lions.

Woah!

Saber tooth tigers. I mean,

I figure what the hell?

If Matt Damon can buy a zoo,

so can thad castle.

How do you like

them apples?

I also got a dinosaur.

It's the, ah, the big monster

one with horns growing

out of its face.

A rhinoceros?

What?

With the horn,

a rhinoceros.

The dinosaur.

Yeah.

I got one.

Thad, talk to me

about Alex moran.

There's a lot of talk

questioning his ability

to lead the...

Mountain goat team.

Oh, ask me

about my shoes.

Hey, well, tell me

about your shoes.

They're called

"thadinators."

They're like Jordan's,

but in mine,

you can run higher

and jump faster.

Isn't it a run faster

and jump higher.

We're still working

on our slogan.

So which company

is making these shoes?

Uh, mine does...

Uh, thad company.

Thad company.

It's the same company

that makes my hats,

and waterproof shirts,

and condoms.

And also the

same company

that makes this

hall of fame jacket

you haven't even

asked me about yet.

Don't you think you should

wait until you get to

the hall of fame

before you wear

a jacket like that?

Oh, yeah. Don't you

think you should wait,

till you get in

the hall of fame?

Waiting is for pussies.

Well, there you have it.

Thad, meet the world...

Hey sloots,

say "hi" to the world.

Hey, world.

World, meet thad castle.

And we're out.

Somebody get my chopper!

Blue 16.

Blue 16.

Hey, o'brien!

I'm pretty sure if that

ball was an std you

would've caught it!

Sorry, coach.

Good throw.

Thanks, coach.

Let us go home.

What? What'd you say?

Hmm?

Another? You want me

to throw another one?

No.

I could throw

another one.

Second team,

get second team

in there.

Second team!

Let's go, let's go!

Then all at once I was

shot out into the light

like a Cannon ball.

Anyway, that's how I got my

kicking shoe out of that

elephant's a**hole.

Somebody's got to

talk to coach about these

four-hour practices.

This is killing me.

No. We need them.

Season's right

around the corner.

I gotta be honest with you

guys. It doesn't matter how

much extra practice we have,

we aren't going

to do well this year.

We're terrible.

Whoa, we're not

gonna be that bad man.

We've got you

and your arm,

we've got my kicking leg

and we've got Donnie's...

Hmm-mmm.

I wanna say muscles?

That'll work.

But three people

can't carry this team.

No. Right now is

our time to party.

Right now.

It's just...

I mean look at Sammy.

He's been hammered

since 10:
00 am.

He's doing it right.

Hey, Sammy!

Hi, buddy,

how you doing?

I got f***ing

hammered last night.

I don't know what

he's saying right now.

Do you understand that?

I don't know

what he's saying.

He's so hammered.

Sammy.

You're doing it all wrong.

I know you're drunk

but you're f***ing it up

for all of us.

It's not even me.

It's the f***ing goddamn goat.

He's a f***ing a**hole.

He's a goat.

You're a human person.

There's no rivalry here.

Ouch!

What the f***,

he just bit me!

He did not

just bite you.

Billy would never

bite anyone...

Aw.

Aw.

He did.

He f***ing bit me!

Yeah, f***ing

go pet him,

you little piece of sh*t!

Okay, coach summers,

round them up.

Round them up,

like, here?

Yes, right here!

Round them up.

So he said, "at least

it wasn't a reach around."

Ha, ha, ha, ha, okay.

Joke time's over.

I need you guys

to round up.

It's too weird.

I'm sorry,

it's coach summers now.

And I need you guys

to round up.

Hey, can I try your hat on?

I've always wanted

to wear...

No, don't take my hat!

Give me back...

All right, I'll give you

your hat back.

I need my playbook.

- Give me that.

- Hey!

Quit screwing around!

Round up!

God!

You don't bone tag

your coach!

All right

now listen up.

You all know the cheerleaders.

They helped me

prepare a little cheer.

Especially for you guys.

You ready?

Oh.

It's kind of catchy.

Great practice

today, champ.

Oh, my god,

I do not want to talk

about practice.

Yeah, neither do I. I actually

need some advice from you.

And it's about a girl.

I've seen the girls

you get with, Mary Jo.

I should be taking

advice from you.

No, this one's

different.

She's not some

brainiac phd like

i usually go for.

Okay.

She's dumb as rocks

like you usually go for.

But she's so fun.

It's...

Really nice.

Okay, well, my advice,

you should bring her

by the goat house.

That's the advice

from Alex moran,

king of bms?

Yes.

Bring her to a house?

Well, it's not

just a house.

It's just a house.

It's not just a house.

It's just a house.

It worked on you,

freshman year.

Fine.

Maybe it worked

on one smart girl.

It's like an

aphrodisiac.

It's like oysters

or money.

It's magical.

Fine. I'll bring her

to the goat house.

I don't know, maybe

I'll finger her on the

lawn or something.

Well, Sammy did just

mow the lawn yesterday.

So...

Okay, perfect.

Skin it here, Alex.

All right.

Thanks, dude.

Ugh!

Bye.

What are you

doing here?

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