Bo Burnham: Make Happy Page #2

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cheer once in a while. Very easy to be a white guy.

Very easy. But white guys get a lot of sh*t

and it's not fair, 'cause we've done

a lot of things, you know? We invented a lot of stuff. White guys invented everything

but peanut butter, I believe. That's what I was taught in school.

Everything but peanut butter. Doesn't sound right,

but the American educational system having a racial bias? No way, Joseph. Guys, white... white people

are a little uncomfortable. We'll do a racial joke

about the white people so you don't feel uncomfortable. White people,

we like the same foods. Favorite sandwich,

peanut butter and... -[audience] Jelly!

-...jelly. -Macaroni and...

-[audience] Cheese! Our favorite chips,

salt and vi... -[audience] ...negar!

-Wow! -[audience laughing]

-Who said it? Get the cameras on them. Your grandkids are gonna see this, know what a bigot

their grandfather or grandmother were. Every non-white person,

see who said that, find them after the show. Put the lights down.

Their faces creep me out. [audience laughing] Guys, I'm not "perfect," okay? I don't "use air quotes correctly,"

all right? But I am against double standards

across the board. Why is it... that when a woman

wears revealing clothing, she's labeled a slut, yet if I were to wear

her skin as a jacket, I'm a murderer? -What?

-[audience laughing] If I f*** a kid,

I'm a pedophile, but if a kid fucks me,

I'm the pedophile again? Twice in a week?

What is this? -[upbeat music playing]

-[man] Hey, Bo. Do you want to sing a song with us? -Okay.

-Great! -I don't know the words, though.

-That's all right. -You'll figure it out.

-All right! -Whoo!

- Hey, Bo, guess what? -What?

- You're a f*ggot -[music stops]

-[audience laughing] [audience cheering and applauding] Wasn't clever, it was just mean. Bigoted.

I apologize for that. So I was interrupted the other day

while my-- -[man] Hey, Bo.

-Motherf***er. -You want to sing another song together?

-I really don't. -Too bad.

-God damn it. Hey, Bo, guess what? -I'm a f*ggot.

-Correct! It's not funny. You're a f*ggot, you're a f*ggot

You're a f***ing f*ggot You're a f*ggot, you're a f***ing... Can you turn the lights off at least? You're a f*ggot, you're a f*ggot

You're a f***ing f*ggot... Is this funny to you people?

Turn it off. Turn the track off! -[record scratches]

-[music stops] -Why was it on a record player?

-[audience laughing] You got a record player back there?

You have hooked up a record player? You know,

it's one thing to make that, but to press it onto vinyl

is a whole other thing, all right? -It's gonna outlive me.

-[audience applauding] Just to be clear,

I wrote, conceived and executed the entirety of that bit. -Do not give those dumb fucks any credit.

-[audience laughing] It's all me, baby.

All me. Look at you people

in the Abe Lincoln seats. Bam! Too late.

Too late. How dare you make that joke so late? I'm a big fan of hip-hop. 'Cause I like words.

I like poetry. And hip-hop feels like a way

to condense a lot of those things into a short amount of time. There are artists

that still do that. Uh... Yeah, Kendrick Lamar,

very word-heavy, very poetic. But-- -[audience cheers]

-What are you doing? Look, this is my show. Do not veer credit

to people outside this building. -[audience laughing]

-[chuckles] Most... [chuckles]

most... Hip-hop artists, for me,

and it is for me, hip-hop, has traded in words and poetry

for beat fetishism. It's where you make a sick beat

and then you rap anything over it. And people lose their minds. I'll give you an example.

Is there a sick beat back there for me? -[hip-hop beat playing]

-Oh, sh*t! [rapping]

I am not one of you I am not a human being You know what I am? I'm a little teapot

Short and stout Here is my handle

Here is my spout When I get all steamed up

Then I shout Sing it

Tip me over and... -[audience] Pour me out!

-Let's go. [man] Pour me out

Pour me out Tip me over

And pour me out Nigga, pour me out Pour me out - Tip me over and pour me out

-Okay. Baa, baa, black sheep

Have you any wool? Yes, sir, yes, sir, three bags full One for the master, one for the dame One for the little boy

That's livin' down the lane - Baa

-[man] Lives down the lane - Whoo!

- Lives down the lane Why is there a young boy

living alone down the lane? -Who signed this boy's lease?

-[audience laughing] Am I the only one

concerned for this little boy? Two examples is enough. -[music stops]

-Okay, thank you. [audience cheering and applauding] A lesser comedian

would have milked that for four verses. And a better comedian

wouldn't have done it all. [chuckles] I'm right in the sweet spot. These, uh... These cannons cost $200,

just for that joke. I could give that money

to a homeless person, make their day, and I don't do that very often. That is my first decision every morning. Not today. Nah.

I'll do that tomorrow. Tomorrow comes and it's still today. Tomorrow's a relative term.

We're not getting there. Makes Annie more depressing. [audience laughing and cheering] [woman cheers] -F*** you.

-[audience laughing] You don't know where I'm going.

Don't act like it. You are not ahead of me. I will retain the element of surprise.

[exclaims] I'm trying to work on my improv. My show is very planned,

uh, to the word. -You know, to the gesture.

-[spring sound effect] And I'm trying to break out of that. I want to make something

brand new for every show, that only a few people get to experience. -What's your name, man?

-Rob. Rob? All right. I'm gonna try to make up a song

about Rob... [chuckles] off the top of my head.

This might not work. Um, it's just...

It's to keep me sharp, trying to... I'm stalling,

trying to think of rhymes for Rob. It's not fair.

Okay. Song about Rob.

Hit the track. [upbeat music playing] F***. [man] Bo had sex with... - Rob's...

- Mom Bo had sex with... - Rob's...

- Mom Bo, I heard you had sex

with older woman last night. I did. -What's her son's name?

-Rob, he's right there. -I f***ed his mother.

- Bo had sex with... - Rob's...

- Mom Bo had sex with... - Rob's...

- Mom I f***ed her for an hour

Then left when I was done 'Cause f***ing is her game

And Rob is her son -[music stops]

-Did we plan that? We did not plan that. -[audience cheering and applauding]

-How does he do it? How does he pretend to do it?

How does he remain contrived? I'm not... I'm not honest

for a second up here! Honesty is for the birds, baby. You want an honest comedian,

go see the rest of them, all right? "This thing actually happened." -Cool.

-[audience laughing] [man in audience] Whoo!

[Bo] Boy, oh, boy. Any big fans of country music out there? -[audience cheering]

-Yeah. Ooh, some people extending my name.

"Boo," that's also approval. -Uh, I think...

-[audience laughing] I think country music... gets a bad rep. You know, why is it that

when Bruce Springsteen sings about a f***ing turnpike it is art, and then when someone sings

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