Bo Burnham: Make Happy Page #3

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about a horse, it's dumb inherently?

I don't think... [scoffs] I think some of the greatest songwriters

of all time are country artists. Dolly Parton, Willie Nelson...

You know? And if you're writing honestly,

that is art. And I would never bash that.

Um, the problem is... with a lot of modern country music,

what is called stadium country music, the sort of Keith Urban brand

of country music, is that it is not honest. -It is the exact opposite of honest.

-[country music playing] Where instead of people

actually telling their stories, you got a bunch

of millionaire metrosexuals who've never done

a hard day's work in their life, but they figured out the words

and the phrases they can use to pander to their audience, and they list the same words

and phrases off, sort of mad-lib style in every song, raking in millions of dollars

from actual working-class people. You know the words.

You know the phrases. Phrases like... A dirt road, a cold beer A blue jeans, a red pickup A rural noun, simple adjective [audience laughing] No shoes, no shirt No Jews

You didn't hear that [audience laughing] Sort of a mental typo. I walk and talk like a field hand But the boots I'm wearing

Cost three grand I write songs about riding tractors From the comfort of a private jet I could sing in Mandarin You'd still know I'm pandering Hunting deer, chasing trout A Bud Light with the logo facing out Hear that subtle mandolin That's textbook pandering I own a private ranch

That I rarely use I don't like dirt. One verse, one chorus in the bag. Now it's time to talk to the ladies. I'm hoping my Southern charm offsets

all these rape-y vibes I'm putting out. Good girl in a straw hat With her arms out in a cornfield That is a scarecrow Thought it was a human woman.

Sorry. A cold night, a cold beer A cold jeans

Strike that last one I'm wanting you

I hope you're feeling me Subtextually. We go to bed

You doze off So I take your country girl

Clothes off I put my hands on your body It feels like hay

It's a f***ing scarecrow again Like Mike's Evander-ing F*** your ears, I'm pandering I write songs for the people who do Jobs in the towns

That I'd never move to Legalize gerrymandering Tolerate my pandering You got a beautiful mouth I got a beautiful... Y'all dumb motherfuckers

want a key change? Thematically meandering Emphatically pandering I got a tight grip on my demo's balls Say the word "truck"

They jizz in their overalls You don't know what land you're in I'm in the land of pandering And I'll be upfront I do what I do

'Cause I'm a total f***ing country boy -[audience cheering]

-[music stops] -You know, like, that genre.

-[audience laughing] They're lying to you.

That's all. They're lying... Entertainers, they are lying

and they are manipulating you. And it's not in a good way.

It's like advertising. You deserve better. I'm not saying I'm it, but I'm the guy that says

you deserve better. You go get better.

You say, "Thank you, weird man. Bye." Anyone watch celebrity lip-syncing

on The Tonight Show, you know? -[audience cheering]

-It's the end of culture. Culture's over, everybody.

We lost. This is entertainment.

How is this entertainment? People we've seen too much of mouthing along to songs

we've heard too much of. And this the bread and butter

of American television. And it's always one of two things

on celebrity lip-syncing. It's either a male celebrity lip-syncing

to a woman's song... [laughs] "But he's not..." Or it's a rich, young white actress ironically lip-syncing to a hip-hop song.

[laughs] [rapping] F*** the police

Coming straight from the underground Can you believe this song was once an honest articulation

of class struggle? [laughs] F*** these people. How dare they think

that them f***ing around is worthy of your attention? Them playing Pictionary?

Your attention's a valuable thing. I worked for three years

to get it for an hour. And I barely get there. [silence] -See?

-[audience laughing] [exhales] I saw a gorgeous... dick.

I was in the public restroom. Some guys might be like me. I cannot use a urinal

when there's a guy beside me. I freeze up.

So I have to use the stalls. In this case, all the stalls were taken.

I had to use a urinal. There was a guy beside me.

I took a little look. You're not picturing this.

All right. [dramatic music playing] -[angelic vocalization]

-[audience laughing] The bit is over.

I'm not talking into his dick now. I didn't rip off his dick. And I'm now not talking

into a severed dick. The show is a series of discrete bits. That one's over. God, if you don't get that... -[pounds piano keys]

-[blows raspberry] Reset the momentum. I cannot be coasting

off the inertia of past jokes. -[playing slow song]

-[audience laughing] Need to earn it. Every bit should come out of a vacuum, eh? We all want love. How many single ladies out there

looking for love tonight? [women in audience] Whoo! -Yeah. "Whoo" that sadness out.

-[audience laughing] There's more where that came from. Ladies, I know what you want. Want. Want. You want a guy that's sweet

A guy that's tough A feminist who likes to pay for stuff The kinda guy that gets

Along with your friends Without being attracted to any of them A good boy, a bad boy, a good bad boy A half-good, half-bad half-boy Loves your brother

Sensitive but not weak And is a great lover

Calls your mother on the weekend Though you might think

That this guy only exists in your mind But guess what? You're right If you want love Lower your expectations a few Because Prince Charming

Would never settle for you If you want love Just pick a guy and love him And if he's got a thing for feet Say f*** it, sweep me off them Now... the good thing is that, uh... At least men have very realistic

expectations for women... he said, sarcastically setting up

a second verse in a comedy song. You want a girl that's nice

A girl that's not Obsessed with her looks

But is insanely hot The kind of girl that you can

Show to your folks Loves the movies that you like

And always laughs at your jokes A real girl, a hot girl,

A really hot girl A brand new really hot real doll Wants to impress you

Doesn't care if you notice And only ever uses you

To tickle her throat with Though you might think that this girl

Only exists in your mind But she's real

But last week, she died If you want love Lower your expectations a lot You might think your dick is a gift

I promise it's not -[women in audience cheering]

- If you want love Just pick a girl and love her Then whip out your dick and

Let the girl you love decline the offer I don't want a neat freak

I don't want a slob Somebody with bedhead

And a dead-end job 'Cause I won't settle for less Than perfect We want perfect children

A perfect life Perfect husband or a perfect wife But deep down, we know We don't deserve it [audience laughing] But We all deserve love Even on the days

When we aren't our best 'Cause we all suck But love can make us suck less We all deserve love It's the very best part of being alive And I would know

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