Bo Burnham: Make Happy Page #4

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I just turned 25 [audience cheering] That's young. [dramatic music playing] -[farts]

-[audience laughing and applauding] Original does not mean good. Anyone can do anything. Don't let me off the hook too easy. War, huh, good God, y'all What is it good for? Increasing domestic manufacturing -All right. Uh...

-[audience cheering] I don't want to get political 'cause I only know

my own ideas of other people's ideas. We just played in Alabama.

They just like the lights. -I didn't even need to do jokes.

-[audience laughing] "Motherf***er's got moving candles." No, not quite.

[clicks tongue] Alabama was actually nice.

You're elitist pricks. -[audience cheering]

-Isn't that fun? [scoffs] -[audience laughing]

-Yeah, you like that. -[dramatic music playing]

-[man] And now... what making a peanut butter

and jelly sandwich feels like when you're high on marijuana. [suspenseful music playing] [inaudible] -[music stops]

-[audience cheering and applauding] [dramatic music playing] [man] And now... what making a peanut butter

and jelly sandwich feels like... when you're sh*t-faced. [slow rock music plays] [inaudible] -[music stops, door opens]

-[woman] Hey, baby, I'm home. -[door closes]

-[keys jangling] -Honey, you okay? What's wrong?

-[inaudible] [stutters] Are you drunk? Have you been...

You've been drinking, haven't you? You've been f***...

You're f***ing wasted, aren't... -[inaudible]

-I can't hear you. Speak into the microphone. I'm not. [woman] What's behind your back?

What're you holding behind your back? -Itching.

-Just... -Just don't be--

-Itchy back. What is... what're you hiding

behind your back? Just show me. It's a jar of peanut butter, all right?

Sue me. [woman] That's mayonnaise.

That is a jar of mayonnaise. That is not peanut butter.

Why are you holding a jar of mayonnaise? Why are you holding a jar of mayonnaise? I'm not holding a jar of mayonnaise. -Touch, b*tch.

-You know what? I am f***ing done with this sh*t, okay? I had to get up at 5:00 a.m. -I had to be at work at 6:00.

-[plays piano keys] I had an exhausting day. I just wanna come home,

unwind, relax, and I come home to a mess

that I have to clean up-- -[stutters] I'll clean it up.

-No, no! I will have to clean it up. Because you'll make it worse

if you try to, okay? -Yeah.

-You know what? I'm f***ing done with this. -Are you?

-You are so immature. -She's done.

-I cannot leave you alone without you getting sh*t-faced. This is what I deal with Monday through... -Monday.

-Who are you talking to right now? You just gestured to the sink. -What does that mean?

-There's an audience full of people. Okay, you know what?

This bit is getting a little too weird and meta.

Okay, we're done with it. I agree.

Where's that going? Sometimes you don't write an end to a bit,

so you skip it. Before they know it,

you're on to the next thing. Guys, I was at the store recently. -[scattered cheers]

-And, uh, no, I will save you time. I bought something. -[audience cheering]

-No, no, no, no. No. Sit in silence. Do you guys know

what continuity errors are? It's where in one shot

something's one way, in another shot it's another way.

You know those things? -Anyway...

-[audience laughing] [man] This comedy performance

is brought to you in part by... -Sorry about this.

-...Flamin' Hot Cheetos. -[rock music playing]

-[man] Flamin' Hot Cheetos They're like regular Cheetos

But they're flamin' hot Normal Cheetos are for pussies But Flamin' Cheetos are not For pussies, that is They're not sponsoring me.

I'm just trying to get them to. -[audience laughing and applauding]

-They're not returning my calls. Evasively cheesy is more like it. Mmm. Label-less water. Nothing tastes better

than not getting sued. I, uh... I don't love my fans. I have to be...

I don't. You don't want that... You don't want that desperate,

sort of cloying thing from an entertainer. "My fans, oh,

they stick with me through everything, through thick and thin."

Do not stick with me through thick. If I stop entertaining you,

throw me to the curb. You wouldn't stick with your mechanic

if he stopped fixing your car. I'm in a service industry.

I'm just overpaid, okay? [audience laughing]

And a lot of... I feel a lot of artists,

pop artists especially, sort of infringe upon... responsibilities that just aren't theirs,

in terms of their audience, maintaining their audience

at an emotional level. Some of you might be sad

and going through things. I feel for that.

Life is tough. I'm not gonna fix that with a song. Like "Brave" or "Roar."

You know these inspirational... What I'm trying to say... is don't listen to a song...

like this. -[playing upbeat song]

- Have you ever felt sad or lonely? Have you even felt two feet tall? Have you ever thought "Man, if only

I was anybody else at all"? They like to kick you

When times get rough Then you give your all

But it's not enough And sticks and stones

Might break your bones But words can break your heart But if you don't know where to go I'll show you where to start - Kill yourself

-[audience laughing] It will only take a minute

And you'll be happy that you did it Just go over to your oven

And shove your head in it Kill yourself Really, you should do it

There's really nothing to it Just grab a mug

And chug a cup of lighter fluid -Okay. Now...

-[audience laughing] -I feel like you pulled back.

-[audience laughing] Maybe it's on account of the fact

that I'm telling you to kill yourself over and over again. I'm just trying to make a simple point. That these... That life's toughest

problems don't have simple answers. You shouldn't just be brave.

You shouldn't just roar. You shouldn't kill yourself. But I understand that... it's a sensitive subject and you're

probably just hearing me say that. And I've dealt with...

I don't want to be... Look. I sound un-empathetic I sound mean and rude Suicide is an epidemic And I don't want to be misconstrued Signs of depression go overlooked So if you're depressed Then you need to book

A therapy session Talk about your depression And let a professional hear it But if you search for moral wisdom In Katy Perry's lyrics, then - Kill yourself

-[audience cheering] It won't be painful

If you are able To give a little kiss

To an oncoming train You'll kill yourself It's over, mull it There's a trigger, pull it Get it through your head

"It" being a bullet Stick your tongue in a plug Suck a pipe of exhaust Make some toast in the tub Nail yourself to a cross Hold your breath 'til it's gone Drink a gallon of Mace Be gay in Iran - Let Oprah sit on your face

-[audience laughing] Jump off of a bridge Skinny dip in a flood Skydive attached to a fridge Drink a Haitian guy's blood Break into the zoo Give the tiger a shove Eat a Phillips-head screw - Marry Courtney Love

-[audience laughing and cheering] Sorry. -Don't kill yourself.

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