Bo Burnham: Make Happy Page #6

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but I have problems. And maybe a crowd in New York

would be nice enough to indulge me. So as we get to the end

of a night of theater... and comedy

and sweaters coming on and off, I got one question for you... And that question is... [with auto-tune]

Can I say my sh*t, New York? Can I say my sh*t? I got lots of sh*t to say I got lots of sh*t to say [vocalizing] [audience cheering] I can't fit my hand

Inside a Pringle can I have a huge amount of trouble

Fitting my hand inside of a Pringle can I can get my hand

Like four inches into the can But then I have to tilt the can

Into my mouth But by that point a bunch of crumbs have

Accumulated at the bottom of the can So they all go

Spilling onto my face What I'm trying to say

Is the diameter of Pringle cans Is way too small I'll say it again The diameter of Pringle cans

Is way too small Two radiuses of a Pringle can

Is way too small If you feel me

Put your hands up Come on If you feel me

Put your hands up [audience cheering] Look at all these hands

That are way too big To fit inside a Pringle can Your hands are too big

To fit inside of Pringle cans Your hands are too big

To fit inside a Pringle can You think you can I know you can't

You think you can Pringles, listen to the people I'm sure 90%

Of the complaint letters you get Are about the width of your cans Just... make 'em wider. [audience laughing] I've overdone the Pringles thing.

Sorry. I wanna have a daughter Wanna have a daughter So I can finally have

Someone around the house Who can fit their hands

In a Pringle can Yes, I'm still

On the Pringle cans thing Yeah.

I'll... I'll move on, all right? But that is priority numero uno I don't go to the gym 'Cause I'm self-conscious

About my body [echoing] ...body... But I'm self-conscious

About my body 'Cause I don't go to the gym Irony can be so painful That's a catch-22 [vocalizing] Let's do this I went to Chipotle Went to Chipotle Got myself a chicken burrito -[trills]

-[audience laughs] I went down the line

I got, like, all these ingredients And then at the end of the line

The guy tried to wrap the burrito But half of the sh*t

Inside the burrito spilled out He still wrapped it I was, like

"Dude, you should have warned me You're a burrito expert You should have told me

Halfway through 'Hey, man, you might be reaching

Maximum burrito capacity here' Do you think I want a messy burrito? No one wants a messy burrito" The whole appeal of a burrito

Is that all of the ingredients Are contained

Within the confines of the tortilla I wouldn't have gotten half this sh*t If I knew it wasn't gonna fit

In the burrito, all right? Look... I wouldn't have got the lettuce

If I knew it wouldn't fit Wouldn't have got the cheese

If I knew it wouldn't fit Wouldn't have got the peppers

If I knew they wouldn't fit I wouldn't have got

Half of it Like, I'm okay with small mistakes If you got no more chicken

I'll take pork But I'll blow my dad

Before I eat a burrito with a fork I wouldn't have got the lettuce

If I knew it wouldn't fit Wouldn't have got the cheese

If I knew it wouldn't fit Wouldn't have got the peppers

If I knew they wouldn't fit Man, I wouldn't have got

Half of it, like Half of it, like

Half of it, like Half of it, like

Half of it Right now, I think it's time I think it's time

That we break it down [audience cheering and applauding] [vocalizing] -[babbles]

-[audience laughing] I can sit here and pretend Like my biggest problems

Are Pringle cans [sighs] And burritos The truth is

My biggest problem's you I wanna please you But I wanna stay true to myself I wanna give you the night out

That you deserve But I wanna sing what I think And not care

What you think about it A part of me loves you A part of me hates you A part of me needs you A part of me fears you And I don't think

That I can handle this right now Handle this right now I don't think

That I can handle this right now I don't think

That I can handle this right now I don't think

That I can handle this right I don't think

That I can handle this right Look at them

They're just staring at me Like, "Come and watch

The skinny kid With a steadily declining

Mental health" And laugh as he attempts to give you

What he cannot give himself I don't think

That I can handle this right I don't think

That I can handle this right But they don't even know

The half of this right But they don't even know

The half of it But I know I'm not a doctor I'm a p*ssy

I put on a silly show I should probably just shut up And do my job

So here I go I wouldn't have got the lettuce

If I knew it wouldn't fit Wouldn't have got the cheese

If I knew it wouldn't fit Wouldn't have got the peppers

If I knew they wouldn't fit I wouldn't have got half You can tell them anything If you just make it funny

Make it rhyme And if they still don't understand you Then you'll run it one more time I don't think

That I can handle this right Oh! Handle this right Oh! Handle this right But you don't even know

The half of this right now Right now Ha! Now Handle this right

Handle this right Handle this right now Thank you. Good night.

I hope you're happy. -[audience cheering and applauding]

-[microphone thuds] [cheering stops] Oh, good, it's just us. [playing piano] Now the show is done I hope that you had gut trembling

Or something resembling fun And if you watch this thing alone You probably didn't laugh But maybe a few times

You exhaled out of your nose [exhales] But if you hated it, that's fair But either way Could you find a little more time

For a parting questionnaire? On a scale from one to zero Are you happy? 'Cause you're on your own from here So, are you happy? I'm open to suggestions Are you happy? But what the f*** kind of question is

"Am I happy?" I really wanna try to get happy

And I think that I could get it If I didn't always panic

Every time I'm unhappy in life I'm owed some life

Where I'm always, like, happy Which is stupid 'cause

I wouldn't even want it if I got it Wait, oh, God, my dad was right So if you know

Or ever knew how To be happy On a scale from one to two now Are you happy? You're everything you hated Are you happy? Hey, look, Ma

I made it Are you happy? [instrumental music playing]

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