Boat That Rocked, The

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Are you sitting quite comfortably?

Then I'll begin.

And the Home Service

will be on the air at 6:45,

with a market report for farmers.

No, no, I'm the treasurer

of the Picnic Committee.

The treasurer?

Answers, please.

Not to me, but to our producer.

Cheerio! See you next week!

- Good night, Dad.

- Good night, James. Straight to bed.

- Good night, Mum.

- Good night, James. Sleep tight!

Off with the lights now, please.

It's 9:
00 at night

and the dull dudes on the planet

are sitting in their slippers

sipping their sherries,

but the people who love to rock and to roll

are ready to ride

the rock 'n' roller-coaster once more.

You are listening to Radio Rock and I'm

the Count, and I'm counting on you,

as we count down to ecstasy

and rock all day and all of the night.

- How much longer?

- No time at all. There she is.

Where she is?

There she is.

- I'm here to see Quentin.

- Come, come.

Enter.

- Carl?

- Yes.

My favourite godson.

- Have we met before?

- I don't think so.

No. There was a lost decade,

so I always have to check.

- How's your mum?

- She's fine.

Not over-fond of me at the moment.

She's a very attractive woman.

- Well, I...

- No, seriously.

I mean, to you, she's your mum,

but to people of my age,

she's a sexual legend.

So...

Expelled?

- That's right.

- What for?

I suppose smoking was the clincher.

Drugs or cigarettes?

Well, both.

Well done.

Proud of you.

So your mum sent you here in the hope that

a little bracing sea air would sort you out?

- Something like that.

- Spectacular mistake.

But, if you don't drown, we can at least help

you to give up smoking and drug-taking.

I just have and I feel so much better for it.

Cigarette?

No, thank you.

Spliff?

Excuse me, everyone.

Could I introduce Carl, my godson?

Welcome aboard. I'm the Count.

I must be obeyed.

It's an honour.

Hi, Carl.

Don't miss Simple Simon's

Super Sunday Smashes. I'm Simon.

That's why I just said that.

Hi, I'm Angus "The Nut" Nutsford.

Hello there.

I'm John, News and Information Gathering.

Hi, I'm Felicity.

- I didn't think girls were...

- I'm a lesbian.

Who cooks.

- Of course.

- Have a piece of toast.

- Could I have a Mars?

- Don't touch those, I've just arranged them.

Do you... Do you know what a lesbian is?

- I do.

- Fun times, eh?

Anyone, toast, toast?

I'm Thick Kevin.

- Your delightful roommate.

- Great. I'm Carl.

- Cool name.

- Why Thick Kevin?

- I don't...

- It's 'cause he's really, really thick.

This is, of course, Dave.

Wow.

Big, but very beautiful.

Welcome to the Boat of Love.

You know,

if God were a DJ, he'd be on this station.

Let's have a tune, I'm sick of this silence.

And that was the sound of someone

who missed last Sunday's chart show.

Don't go mad

and shoot yourself in the head.

Listen to Simple Simon's show...

Why am I queuing up my own records?

While I was swimming,

I passed by a squirrel.

I just broke the knob off the record player.

Let's do it right now. I'm busting for a wee.

A small knob. I like it.

I said, "Mr Squirrel,

why are you swimming on your back?"

Voil!

"Well, I swim on my back

to keep my nuts dry. "

I'm on fire! All right, I'm out.

You're probably still at school,

it's 20 to 3:
00.

Or you might be bunking off,

in which case, good on you.

- Carl?

- Yes.

- How you doing?

- Quite good, thank you.

- Are you nervous?

- A little bit.

- Come over here. Yeah, come over here.

- There?

Come on.

Welcome. Turn around.

Now get the f*** out.

Okay, so the Tuesday night of fun

starts here. We're ready...

- We're ready. Gather 'round.

- Steam, steam, steam, steam.

Okay, so the teams are Dave and the Count

versus Young Carl and Thick Kevin.

Okay?

Don't worry, it's not because

I'm actually thick that I'm called Thick Kevin,

it's just a nickname.

That's right. So, who wants to go first?

- Wanna guess?

I'll guess, fine.

All right, who's going? Big Bad Dave.

No looking.

Easy. Your president.

- What?

- Your president.

- Lyndon Johnson.

- Yes!

- He wrote Oliver Twist.

- Charles Dickens.

Go, go, go, go, go, go!

Lovely. Lead singer of The Rolling Stones.

Mick Jagger.

- Yes.

- Is a spy, 007, yes!

- Bond, James Bond!

And the actor who plays.

"Hello, I'm James Bond. "

The actor who plays 007... Yes!

- Sean Connery.

- Quickly, quickly. Time, time, time.

- Hello, I'm a Beatle.

- I'm one of the Beatles.

- Time, time, time, no, no, no, no.

- That one doesn't count.

- That was gonna be good.

That's 6 to 0.

I feel good about this one.

Forget it now.

- Well, all right.

Ready to rock.

Okay, the thing about Kev

is you gotta think outside the box.

- Think outside the box.

- He's ready to rock.

Forget about the box.

Thirty seconds from now!

Go! You can do it.

It's a type of bird, but it's wearing a hat.

It's a type of bird, but it's wearing a hat.

F***ing genius.

He's just nervous.

Not so much a hat.

Something that's at the top of a coat

and attached to the coat

and covers the head, but is not a hat.

- A hood?

- Yes, and now first name, type of bird.

- It's a something hood.

- Robin Hood!

Why didn't you just say he lived in

Sherwood Forest and has a bow and arrow?

Yeah? What? Who are you talking about?

Robin Hood.

- I didn't know that.

Counting down.

Right, hang on, no. Tricky one.

It's like he's having a stroke.

Nice guy.

- Nice guy?

Yes, very nice guy.

- Really nice guy.

Is that it?

No. Has lots of friends. Has long hair.

Ah!

- Jimi Hendrix?

- No, much older.

- No shoes.

- I know this.

Nice guy, has long hair,

doesn't have any shoes.

Think about it.

- Must be...

- It's like watching a baby drown.

Wore a dress.

- Dress?

- Wore a dress!

This had better not be Jesus.

- Yes, Jesus!

- Obviously!

Rock on!

Why didn't you say he was the Son of God?

Was he?

Now, there is one final matter to discuss.

- Pirate radio.

Goodness.

- In whose department does this fall?

- That would be me, Prime Minister.

What's the plan, Sir Alistair?

They're very popular.

And they're not actually

breaking any law that we know of.

We're going to shut them down

within the year.

They are a sewer of dirty

and irresponsible commercialism

and low morals.

Indeed.

- Very well. I leave it in your capable hands.

- Thank you very much, Prime Minister.

Thank you all.

Full news again in one hour with me,

John Mayford. Till then, this man.

This was the deal.

I asked all of you to demand of me

to do a very foolish thing,

and you sent in ideas in their millions.

But one idea has defeated them all,

so I'm proud to announce I will soon be

the first person to say the "F" word

on rock 'n' roll radio

in the United Kingdom of Great Britain.

But my aim is not to offend, it is to entertain.

But also, perhaps, to educate a little.

Because if you shoot a bullet, someone dies.

When you drop a bomb, many die.

If you hit a woman, love dies.

But if you say the "F" word,

nothing actually happens.

So here it comes.

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