Boat That Rocked, The Page #2

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Especially for you, the "F" word.

First, though, this very fine piece of music.

- You can't do this.

- Why not? It's just a word!

Charming thought,

but here's the simple situation.

The authorities already dislike us.

If you do this they will hate us,

and by hook or by crook,

they'll find a way to close us down.

They can't close us down. We're pirates.

That's why we're sitting out here

in the middle of the freaking ocean.

Believe me, they will find a way.

Governments loathe people being free.

Okay.

Okay, I'm thinking about it.

My dear comrades, I have some sad news.

The powers that be have decreed

that the "F" word is a word too far.

But at least for now, even though our

dreams of freedom have died a tragic death,

the Hollies are still alive.

Thank you.

I don't know why you did that.

I was just gonna say "f***" once.

You know, one tiny little "f***. "

There's no such thing as a tiny little "f***. "

Yeah there is.

You should ask Angus' girlfriend.

Be that as it may, there's no "f***" so small

it won't f*** us up.

One day, in a world of dreams,

you'll be able to say "wank"

or "bollocks" or even "cock" on the radio.

But "f***," never.

- Excuse me, my Lordship.

- Yes, Harold?

You've left your mike up

in the studio.

So I have.

I do apologise to everyone out there

for the four...

Or was it five "F" words, Quentin?

The Hollies will continue undisturbed.

I'm so sorry about that, Quentin,

but you know,

I thought you sounded good.

You have a lovely voice for radio.

F*** off.

That makes it six, Quentin.

It couldn't have turned out better,

in my opinion.

Right. Good morning, good morning, good

morning, good morning. Please sit down.

Pirate radio stations.

Good, good, good, good, good.

Now, I have told the Prime Minister that

we will shut them down within 12 months.

As you will see, sir, they're not in fact

outside of the law at the moment, sir.

Then they soon will be, won't they, Mr...

- Fredericks.

- Fredericks.

You see, that's the whole point

of being the government.

If you don't like something, you simply

make up a new law that makes it illegal.

- Speaking of which, Mr...

- Fredericks.

- Fredericks.

- Yes, sir?

I think we might also start working on

legislation to outlaw that haircut of yours.

- You don't like it, sir?

- No one likes it. Apart from blind people.

And I'm sure even they can sense

its profound ugliness as it passes by.

I'll give you a day to deal with the hair,

and a fortnight to deal with the pirates.

Goodbye.

Miss C, as I suspected, totally useless!

- Send me that clever new chap!

- Certainly, sir!

I have a job for him.

We have some damage to do.

Good morning, everybody. You're listening

to Simple Simon's Breakfast Show

on 203 metres in the medium waveband.

You're one of 23 million people

listening to the Boat of Love this morning.

Looking forward to Saturday?

- What's Saturday?

- Saturday! Sensational Saturday!

As you may have noticed, there are,

unfortunubbly, no women on this boat,

- apart from Felicity...

Hiya!

...who is of the lesbionic tendency.

But every second Saturday, each DJ

is allowed to invite one girl onto the boat.

So, any idea who'll you'll invite?

God.

Presumably there's a sort of presumption

that there'll be...

- Sex, of some sort.

- Every time.

Yeah.

Then no.

I've spent my life at all-boys' schools.

The closest I've ever come to a snog

is when I was once licked on the face

by a horse.

- Sounds good, actually.

A horse?

I'm sorry to hear that, Carl, my son.

I would seriously like to help.

I will put my mind to it.

- Miss Peacock.

- How are you lined up, eh?

- Well, her name is Daphne.

- And she likes the bearded man.

- She does, indeed.

- With a tiny knob.

Whatever.

I've got a tiny knob, actually.

But I rather like it.

It means I can wear smaller underpants.

Don't know what that means.

I didn't understand any of that.

What about other...

Who's that guy up there?

I haven't met him yet.

That is Mark.

He's the sexiest man on the planet.

Hardly ever speaks.

Not even when he's broadcasting,

which is interesting.

So that's Midnight Mark.

Thanks.

Wow.

Now...

- You not got anyone?

- No. No, not today.

I guess I'm really...

I'm looking for that "one true love" thing.

- Really?

- Yeah. Yeah. Big time.

- You dig the dream?

- I dig the dream.

Yeah, it's a good dream.

- Here they come.

- Here they come.

There they are!

Wow.

Wowzer.

Oh, my God, it's like a boat of honey.

I wanna sleep with them all!

- Hi.

- Welcome aboard!

Do a twirl!

I need a big drink.

I agree. Let's leave.

Right, hurry, up the steps.

Do you mind if I call you guys by the same

name? Twins can be very confusing.

This is actually a very interesting book.

- Is it?

- Yes, it's...

My father used to collect woodpeckers.

- Really?

- Yeah! No.

No, my father was an architect.

How about you? What did your father do?

Well, he had sex with my mum and then

left without leaving his name or address.

- No.

- Yeah.

- No!

- It's cool.

I... You don't miss what you've never had.

Nothing planned, you guys?

- No, no.

- Well, yes.

Another very quiet afternoon

for me and my sex life.

The sad room.

Come here.

I've come to get you

out of your predicament.

What predicament?

The whole sad act. No girl,

unused pencil-sized penis predicament.

That predicament.

Walk this way.

Don't walk that way.

- No. Walk woodpecker way.

- Well, I'm just gonna...

Okay. Okay, it might work.

But one, it's morally wrong.

- Well, I mean, is it?

- Yes.

And two, it might not work. In which case

I'm gonna be the biggest idiot in the world.

All this is true. But on the other hand,

it could be the best five minutes of your life.

You hear that? That's destiny knocking.

Get in there.

Sorry, girls. Sorry, Mum.

Yeah. The Doctor is hungry.

Come on in, baby.

- What's this?

- Alcohol.

- You're trying to get me drunk, are you?

- Of course I am.

How you been? Yeah, you're all right.

I need to pull the pin on the love grenade.

Please do.

Boom.

I think...

I think we should turn the lights off.

Do we have to?

I like to see you when I'm with you.

I can't make love in electric light,

it's unnatural.

Trust me, though, yeah? I'm a doctor.

Okay. Un, deux, trois.

Let's do this, yeah?

Come on. Keep your boots on.

Keeping the boots on.

There we go.

Although, not quite good enough.

There. Pitch black.

Hey!

You are a very complex man.

- Thank you.

Will you...

Will you just excuse me for a second?

Where are you going?

I think we should take

some precautionary measures.

Don't worry, I'm on the pill.

I still think I'd like to freshen up,

though.

Okay. Hurry back.

- I will.

What the hell are you doing?

I just thought it'd be nice

if I brush my teeth first,

but I didn't have my toothbrush,

so what I did was I borrowed...

No, I mean, what the hell are you doing

still dressed?

- Yes, do you think I should get undressed?

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