Boat Trip Page #7

all by herself.

Got me a great job

with her father.

Got us a new apartment. Picked out

all the linens and plates.

And as a wedding gift, she gave me

an entire new wardrobe.

Yep, the only decision I have left

to make for the rest of my life...

is whether I want to be

buried or cremated.

No. I take that back.

We're being buried side by side.

She told me this morning.

Hey, Jerry, I'm sorry I'm late.

I had a little bit of a

personal crisis this morning.

- Is everything alright, pastor?

- Fine, fine.

Just I had a few personal issues

I had to clarify, but...

It's your big day.

Nothing's going to spoil it.

Glad to see

you finally made it, reverend.

I got a string quartet back at the

Hyatt about to go into golden time.

- Congratulations, sir.

- Thank you.

- They're friends of yours, Jerry?

- Yes, sir.

I met them on the cruise.

So you accidentally hopped onto

the Guytanic, too?

- How's it going?

- I guess not.

Jerry, I'm gonna keep

my eye on you.

- What's up, guys?

- Nick, come here. It's important.

There is no more sacred contract

than the bond of marriage.

And no more spiritual union than

that between a man and a woman.

Dearly beloved,

we are gathered here today...

to bring this man and this woman

together in the eyes of...

in the eyes of...

God?

- God, yeah, that's what you say.

- No, that's what you say.

Yeah, well I used to

until recently. I mean...

if there was a God would He

allow my wife to run off...

with a non-union contractor who

overcharged me for a bay window?

But that's my problem, I'm sorry, and

it's your day. I'm sorry. Where was I?

A happy marriage is the

perfect human relationship.

A setting in which each partner

feels free to be as he or she is...

under God's bountiful nature.

That same nature that allowed

the number 547 PIN code...

to screw me in a photo.

I'm sorry, where was I?

If there's anyone present who feels

that these two people should not...

...be joined together in matrimony...

- Come on.

...let them speak now,

or forever hold their peace.

Okay, fine.

Jerry, then, if there's no objection,

turn to Felicia and repeat after me.

I, Jerry...

take you, Felicia...

...to be my lawful-wedded...

- Stop! Wait! Time out! Time out!

- Nick! What are you doing?

- I have to say something.

If I didn't speak now,

I could never live with myself.

A couple of weeks ago...

Jerry and I took a cruise together.

It wasn't the cruise

we intended to take, but...

it was good we got in the wrong boat

because it changed our lives forever.

Jerry, if you marry Felicia today,

it will end up in disaster.

You need to be with the person

you fell in love with on that boat.

And I know it,

because that person is me.

How much of that pot

did you smoke?

I know where Gabriella is.

If you hurry we can catch her.

Jerry?

What the hell is wrong with you?

You can't humiliate me like this!

My dad is gonna kill you!

- Come on, Rocco! Come on, boy!

- Daddy!

Come on, move! Move!

Daddy, do something!

- Where's your car?

- We're not taking my car.

We'd never make it across town

in this traffic.

Boys! Boys!

- Hector! You're a fireman!

- Yes!

I'm December in our calendar.

Thank you, Ernie, dear.

Call me!

So where is Gabriella?

She signed up

to work another cruise.

- When does she leave port?

- Two hours ago!

Two hours ago?

And how am I supposed

to find her in the ocean?

I can't do this!

- I get motion sickness!

- Yes, you can. Come on, Jerry.

You're about to be united

with the woman you love.

What do you think?

Why don't you calm down?

You are in very, very good hands.

Are you sure you know

what you're doing?

I know you only think of me

as a hard-partying old queen...

but for your information, I spent

32 years in the Armed Forces...

serving Her Majesty,

the real Queen.

I've seen action in five different

theaters of war...

I've made over 49O drops,

23 over hostile territory.

I'm what you colonials might call

a bad-assed motherf***er...

who also happens

to be an expert...

in the delicate art

of Japanese flower arranging.

Over the target, captain.

Right! It's now, or never.

Come on, Jerry, get out there!

Jump out!

I can't do this!

- Go get her, Jerry!

- This is a bad idea!

Wait, I'm gonna be sick.

I mean it!

I felt that one.

Good Lord, you're a crybaby.

Five, six, seven, eight. Kick!

Back! Head, up, down.

One more time.

Kick! Back!

Head, up, down.

I want it sassy, now. Come on.

Kick! Pli.

Head, up, down.

And Kick! Pli!

I'm not a person

who likes heights!

I don't feel so good.

I don't feel so good.

I hate this!

What is that?

- I don't like it!

- We're over the target.

- Prepare for release!

- Release!

We did it!

I'm so excited.

If truth be told, I'm more

than a little excited myself.

Unhook me, please.

I don't believe this.

Help, please.

This time, I'm gonna

let you drown.

You're gonna have to drag me

over to the deep end...

'cause it's only about

three and a half feet over here.

What are you doing here?

I was in the neighbourhood,

so I figured I'd just drop in.

- Goodbye.

- Gabriella, wait, please.

I thought I was being

reasonably clever...

considering I just dropped

1,5OO feet out of an airplane.

Why did you bother?

Because I love you.

Who loves me?

Gay Jerry as a friend?

Or is this straight, lying,

deceitful Jerry?

You've never met this Jerry.

This is the extremely sorry...

unbelievably heartbroken

because you left me...

who'll do anything to get you

to forgive me...

because I want to spend the rest

of my life with you Jerry.

Well, you listen to me, Jerry.

Just because you dropped

out of the sky...

and made this grand,

romantic gesture...

doesn't mean that I'm going to

automatically run into your arms.

Do you understand that?

- Yes.

- Good.

Okay, I'm probably going to. But you

shouldn't automatically expect it...

because if we're going to have

the kind of relationship...

that one day you're going

to be making up these fantasies...

Don't you ever,

ever lie to me again.

I swear.

I'll never understand it.

Neither will I.

Inga!

Inga...

Inga...

Inga...

My God! My God!

I'm Nick Ragoni.

I'm a friend of your daughter Inga.

I've travelled 12 thousand miles

to surprise her.

You poor thing. You look frozen.

Let me help you up.

Let me and my son help you up.

- Johann, come over here.

- Ja.

Come on.

This man is obviously

a fan of smorgasbord.

Ingmar, what's going on?

Mother, he is an American friend

of Inga's.

I hope you didn't go too much

trouble to get here.

- Inga's not home.

- What?

She's gone to Italy

on a modelling assignment.

Won't be back for three months.

- Oh God, no. I can't believe it.

- You poor boy. You look so cold.

You'll join us for dinner.

Bridgit?

Get this man some soup

from the stove.

Now this is Bridgit.

She wants to be a bikini model...

...just like her big sister.

- Nice to meet you.

And Bridgit's coach will be

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