Bob the Butler

- I am the matriarch

of a great American family

taking on the ultimate challenge:

The perfect family meal.

- I understand, Mama Clara.

- Working in a small takeout franchise

is traditionally a gateway

to bigger and better things.

- In understand, Mama Clara.

- When you create synergies,

you solve problems.

- I understand, Mama Clara.

- But that is what happens

when I go to the bathroom

and leave you in charge

of the french fries.

- Well, give me another chance.

[Boom!]

- Ahhh!

- Give your Uncle Bob another chance.

- Bob, you're no uncle

and I'm no mama.

Cute names are company policy,

that's all!

Just feel-good stuff

so they can pay you less.

- But we're family!

Look around!

- UH!

- Ohhhh!

- Dad!

- Ahhhhh!

- You okay?

- Dad!

We're family!

- This is my real father, Bob!

There's a difference!

[Sirens wailing]

Time was drifted

This rock had got to roll

So I hit the road

and made my getaway

Restless feeling

Really got a hold

- Sorry!

I started searching

for a better way

But I kept on looking for a sign

in the middle of the night

But I couldn't see the light

No, no, no, stop, stop, stop!

[Honking]

Ahhhhh!

To take me through the night

I couldn't get it right

- Help!

Help!

I couldn't get it right

- Grab on to this rope here!

Pull it.

Ahhhh!

L.A. Fever

Made me feel alright

Ah!

But I must admit

it got the best of me

Hi, people.

Getting down so deep

I could have drowned

Oh, save the fishes!

Save the fishes!

Now I can't get back

the way I used to be

But I kept on looking for a sign

in the middle of the night

But I couldn't see the light

no I couldn't see the light

[monkey screeching]

To take me

through the night-ight-ight

Couldn't get it right

I'm an astronaut, I'm a ballerina!

I'm an astronaut, I'm a ballerina!

[Babies crying]

Shave, shave, shave...

- Ahhhh!

- Sorry.

New York City

Took me with the tide

And I nearly died

from hospitality

Left me stranded

Took away my pride

Just another no-account fatality

Ahhhh!

- Oh.

Looking for a sign

in the middle of the night

But I couldn't see the light

No I couldn't see the light

- Huh, I'm gonna need

a bigger board.

It's not a big deal, Rascal.

We're only on the Bs, remember.

[Rascal squeaking]

Got all this to go.

Okay, so we did burger assistant.

Next up, we have...

business consulting.

Butcher?

[Loud squeaking]

Oh, whoa.

Hey, listen to this.

Listen.

"Cosmopolitan Butler School

Become part of a family

in 5 days"

Rascal,

[squeaking]

We're going butling.

[Scooter backfires repeatedly]

- Do you think

you canna be a Lassie?

- Nine-thirty?

[Whistle blowing]

- Good morning, students.

[All]:
Good morning, sir.

- Two lines, please.

Chop, chop!

My name is Butler.

I'm a born butler

in all senses of the phrase.

I come from a long line of butlers.

In only five days,

you will each receive

a certificate of competence

to wait on any family

on this side of the pond.

For those that are interested,

the full English course

lasts a further 17 years.

Standards are slightly higher.

So, what does a butler...

do? Hmm?

Answer:
Everything.

He must cook, clean,

tend the garden,

groom the horses,

write letters, iron shirts.

Arrange appointments,

greet guests, run baths,

buy groceries, pack cases,

unpack cases,

make reservations,

cancel reservations

and still find time

to be a confidant.

Understood?

[All]:
Yes, sir.

- Yes, sir!

- Grooming is crucial to the role.

Substantial facial hair

is quite unacceptable.

Rabbi,

how would you serve soup?

- But really...

- It goes, or you go.

- Oh.

- Butlers must be immaculately dressed.

So what's your excuse,

you miserable heap of mess?

- This is me tidy.

- Not in my book.

Do you possess

any offensively tasteless tattoos

perpetrated in a drunken haze?

- No.

- Any piercings of body parts?

- I do have a series

of small holes in my tongue

from when I was six.

My cousin, he gave me

a black-sea-urchin thing

and told me

it was a chocolate muffin.

[Man stifling laughter]

I think they've...

grown over.

- Show me your nipples.

[Man stifled laughter]

- My nipples?

- Yes, your nipples.

Hmm...

You can't blame a man for asking.

Frankly, you look the weird sort.

- I'm weird?

- Come on, come on!

Tess! Tess!

This elevator has already left.

Ssstop that!

You're causing a delay.

- I have an important meeting.

- If was so important,

you would've left earlier,

like I did.

- Mother, you're embarrassing us.

- Stop.

- Ow.

Witch!

- That's a rude person.

- Suck-up.

- Any news, Judith?

- Not yet.

- Okay.

Kate.

All right, go.

- Mr. Dickens called.

Urgent.

- Skip. Next.

Next, the investment

conference call. Urgent.

- Save. Next.

- Jacques called about dinner

on Monday.

- Confirm. Eight o'clock.

- It's them.

- Okay. Put 'em through.

- Good luck.

- A word or two about money.

Money makes the world go round,

doesn't it?

[All]:
Yes, Mr. Butler.

- Balderdash.

Trust, not money.

That's what makes

the world go round.

If I haven't been able to produce

at least one trustworthy butler

out of this course,

then I've wasted my time.

- Ah-ah!

Sorry. Sorry!

- As I've made clear,

you will be in complete control

of the household.

However, you will be treated

by all other members of the household

as if you were slightly less significant

than a piece of used toilet paper.

To simulate this, I've devised

a rather amusing little exercise.

- You're enjoying this, aren't you?

- I'm getting no pleasure from it

whatsoever!

- Yeah, right.

- Bull'seye!

- Now, look,

open wide for one teeny,

weeny little baked bean,

or I'll tell your mom.

- But I'll tell her you hit me.

- What?!

- I'll tell her you hit me

and pulled my hair.

Ahhhhh!

- Okay, leave the friggin' food.

- You swore!

You swore

in front of my little brother.

Can I watch MTV tonight?

- I will not be blackmailed

by you children.

[Screaming]

- Mrs. Withington,

what happened?!

- Sorry, Miss Jamieson,

but they are the devil's seed!

- Oh, no,

they're just playing with you.

They're delightful children, really.

Undemeath all the horrible stuff.

Please, I promised Jacques

I would not let him down again.

- Ho-ho!

- Ah!

Babysitters...

[phone ringing]

- Hello?

- Bob the Babysitter?

- No, ma'am.

This is Bob the Butler.

- Now, look.

I definitely have this number down

for Bob the Babysitter.

- Well, that was

at least seven jobs back.

- But you were a babysitter once?

- Well, yes.

Ahem. Just once.

- Oh, please,

this is an emergency.

- One minute, please.

Rascal, damsel in distress.

May I have your leave?

[Squeaking]

Thank you, Master Rascal.

I'd be happy to.

- Oh... my.

Are you Bob?

- At your service.

- You-you have a piece of tomato

in your hair.

- Oh.

- Ew.

- Gone.

- Okay, well, um,

I want you to meet my children.

This is my daughter, Tess.

- Miss Tess. Hello.

Lovely name.

- My son, Bates.

- Mm. Master...

Bates.

Also lovely.

- Gross.

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