Bob the Butler Page #2

- What's gross?

- Okay.

Have to go,

so do me a favour and...

do not hurt him.

Bob, please don't sit on any

of the nice chairs unless you have to.

- Okay.

- What's gross?

- Never mind.

Good night, children.

- Good night, Mother.

Enjoy your romantic evening out.

Have fun!

- Don't forget the back ones, Master.

- Why do you call me Master?

- I'm studying to be a butler.

- I don't like it.

Master Bates.

It just feels wrong.

- Indeed.

How about I call you Bates?

- I like that.

- Yeah, just Bates.

- Mm-hmm.

- Miss Tess?

- Uh!

[Sniffing]

- Oh, no. Not again.

Water. Water!

Quick, quick, quick, quick...!

Oh, no.

Hmm. Mm...

Nice chair.

- Bates. You awake?

- When will Mom be back?

- I think Bob's a real find.

He's so stupid,

he didn't even tell me off

for smoking.

- Smoking kills. I read it.

- Sisters kill too,

so keep your mouth shut.

- He let me sleep

in my fireman costume.

- He's crazy.

- I like him

more than Mrs. Withington.

- Would you like

to have him back?

- Can we?

- Leave it to me.

- Thanks for a lovely evening.

- Ah, the pleasure was all mine.

- I'd invite you up

- I know, the children will up

as usual.

[Anne laughing]

- Omigod!

- What? What's wrong?

- The children's lights are all out!

What's wrong?

- Nothin'.

They've been good as gold.

- Oh, cut the BS.

What, are they bound and gagged

somewhere?

- You really should be congratulated,

ma'am,

on raising

such wondrous progeny.

Can I go now?

- Uh, normally, they're, uh...

a pain in the derriere.

I think here you say "brats."

- Well, I never say "brats."

- Well, I don't know

what you did,

but I'm impressed.

Jacques, will you pay Bob for me?

- Of course!

[Chortling]

I'm, uh...

tipping you

very generously here.

I want you to know why.

Tonight, with the kids in bed,

all night,

I get to do

what Frenchmen love to do most...

- You gonna look in the mirror

for eight hours?

Thanks, Jack.

- This moming,

those of us that remain

will address the basic skills required

for a typical day,

starting with undressing the master.

Now, I shall need a volunteer.

Mr. Tree, if you please.

Jacket.

Tie.

Waistcoat. The vest, to you.

Shirt.

- Ah, come on,

haven't you got some kind of dummy?

- Dear boy, if you intend

to be a butler, you better get used

to naked old flesh.

- You sure this isn't a British thing?

I mean, most Americans

know how to dress themselves.

- On the contrary.

We are here to educate them

to do it better.

And to dress for the right occasion.

- Whoa!

Yo, I'm outta here.

- Well, Bob,

you seem to be

the last one left.

- Mr. Butler,

I don't really know

if this is necessary.

I mean... I'll give 100 bucks

if you leave the rest on.

One-hundred and fifty.

A thousand!

Please stop there.

- Right.

Mr. Tree, let's get cracking, then.

Dress me.

[Door chiming]

- Bob, no! Nuh-uh.

- It's okay.

It's okay, Nico.

I don't wanna work here.

I can't stand the sight of blood.

All that screaming.

- You took the guy's earlobe off.

- Not on purpose.

Ah!

- You used to work here?

- Of course I used to work here.

"Barber" comes before "butler"

in the Yellow Pages.

- So how do you like it?

- Neat and tidy.

- As the man says.

- No beard.

- No beard?

- Butlers don't have beards.

- Butlers wear beards.

- No beard.

- Abit of beard.

- No beard at all.

- Itty-bit of beard?

- No beard whatever.

- Itsy-bit of beard?

- No.

Not even a little bitty-bitty-bitty-

weeny-bitty beard.

- Itty-bit of butler beard?

- Beardless.

- Itty-bit of butler beard?

- No beard!

- Itty-bit of butler beard,

itty-bit of butler beard,

itty-bit of butler bear.

Settled.

- So?

- Well, pretty much as it is.

- What do you expect to do, Bob,

if this doesn't work out?

- I'll probably move on

to the Cs. You know?

Camping guide,

carpet cleaner,

carwasher,

computer hacker.

- Extraordinary.

You seem to have such faith

in yourself...

where none is justified.

- Thanks, Mr. Butler.

- Well, well, well.

Agentleman's gentleman,

by George!

- Loving breaths...

of deep...

[inhaling deeply]

...acceptance.

- All right, can we speed it up,

please?

Look - ahem -

here's my needs analysis.

I think it'll save time.

- What are you saving time for?

Yourfamily?

But you don't even have time

to enjoy your kids. Or Jacques.

- Jack's not family.

- There's too much work.

I need more time.

- Remember your mantra.

- "I cannot organize the world...

blah-blah-blah."

- Maybe you could work just as hard

and find someone

who brings the best

out of me and Bates.

- Tess, that is

a very sensible suggestion.

Do you have anyone in mind?

- Not really.

- Well...

I quite like the babysitter

we had last night.

- But Tess said he was freaky.

- He's too strict.

- He's way too strict.

- Definitely not him.

- Uh-uh.

- Well, it's not your call, children.

[Wind blowing]

- What are we doing?

- Come on, come on, come on.

Up you get.

Standing still, Mr. Tree,

is highly prized in butler circles.

- Freak.

- Just get up.

- Tiny people down below...

- Good.

I want you to clear your mind

and relax.

- Relax?

You kidding me?

I'm standing inches

from certain death here.

- I'll tell you what,

think of the most beautiful thing

you've seen in the last 48 hours.

- Other than your ass?

- Now come on. You can do it.

I'm beginning

to have faith in you, Bob.

- Okay,

I've got it.

- What is it?

- It's a woman.

- Can you picture her?

- Yes.

- Excellent.

Hold that thought.

- Hey, kiddo, how was your day?

- Okay.

- Just okay?

Mine was pretty good.

Do you wanna hear about it?

- Does it have anything to do

with capital management?

- Yes.

- No.

[Slurping sound]

It's polite to knock.

- It's bedtime, sweetheart.

- I haven't finished.

- Now. Please?

- No.

- Ah, that's just what I need.

Thank you.

Do you wanna hear about my day?

- Now?

Your mind is full of work and kids,

work and kids, work and kids.

That leaves little for me.

- I am trying to sell my business,

Jacques.

- For months, ma chrie.

But when?

- I'm thinking of hiring Bob.

- The babysitter?

- The butler.

- The children will live with him?

I'm joking.

- No, he'll live in the attic.

We'll have a babysitter

wheneverwe want.

- Perfect.

[Knocking]

- Can you hurry up in there?

You've been in there for hours.

- Almost finished.

- You'll tidy all this up?

- Yeah.

- Bates, stop that!

- Ah!

- It's a toilet bidet.

- What's a toilet bidet?

- It's like a fountain for your ass...

- Ask me later.

- Jack says he's here.

- The butler!

Now then, Robert

- Actually, my name's Bob.

- Oh, well, Bob is short for Robert.

- Isn't Rob short for Robert?

- Yes.

- So then Bob

would be short for Bobert.

- Your name is Bobert?

- No.

Just Bob.

- Okay, then.

As long as we're satisfied

with first names,

can we continue?

- Of course.

Though I don't know your name.

Is it all right if I call you

Mistress Jamieson?

- No.

That sounds rather sordid,

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