Bob the Butler Page #3

doesn't it?

Perhaps you could

just call me Anne.

- Anne.

- Just Anne.

- Anne.

- Yes.

Anne.

- Et bien?

- Anne.

- Mr. Tree, how many children

do you have?

- Well, I don't have any children.

- But you said in the flyer

that you would take care

of the children like your own.

- Yeah, if I had some.

Ahem.

- But you did just recently attend

the Cosmopolitan Butler School?

- Is all tidy.

- Uh, how much do I owe you?

What did he say?

- Uh, he said

he'll drop the bill off next week.

- Um - ahem - Jacques

got me a wonderful present:

A state-of-the-art toilet.

- A toilet?

What a nice gift.

[Speaking Japanese]

- My goodness, Bob,

I had no idea

that you were fluent in Japanese.

- I worked in the Asian market.

- Well, that's impressive.

- You sold stock?

- Stalks,

vegetables,

some strangely shaped fruits.

Horseshoe-shaped...

fruits.

- Uh, Bob, I would like

to go over a few specifics.

I colour-categorize my sponges.

- Hmm?

- Blue for bathroom, yellow for kitchen,

purple for general,

green for the outdoors, car included.

Please don't confuse them.

- Fine.

- No strange women in the house.

- Fine.

- No drugs. No pets.

- Fine.

- You allergic?

- They're unhygienic.

- Fine.

- So what do you think?

- He is very strange.

- So what do you think?

- He is very strange.

I don't understand

this Rob-Bob-Bobert business.

- Well, I suppose

we could always interview

other candidates.

- There are other candidates?

- No.

I hired an assistant once.

She seemed perfect,

she worked hard,

she did everything I told her to.

One lunchtime,

I saw her in the gym.

She had a shower

and then changed right back

into herworkout bra.

- I'm lost.

- I fired her on the spot,

of course.

- You fired her

because of her sweaty bra?

Do you think Bobert wears a bra?

- Oh, who knows.

But if it doesn't work out,

I'll change him.

- Okay.

- Ah... Bates!

- Sorry, Mom.

- I think you'll find

everything you need.

I'm sure it's not up

to your professional standards.

- It's...

white.

- Yeah.

Oh, I'm sorry it is such a mess.

[Singing]:

I can indeed organize the world

[squeaking]

- Hey, Rascal.

Home.

We are robots!

We are monster robots!

I am Robot Man!

Get out of my way.

I am Computer Man...

- Aren't you a little old

to play with toys?

- Well, I don't usually

play with them, but...

I got these

when about your age and...

I figured I'd give them

to my own son one day.

- Didn't he want them?

- Ahem.

The children are in bed, ma'am.

- Oh, thank you, Bob.

Music to my ears.

- Is there anything else

I can do for you?

- No. Thank you.

I'll see you in the morning.

- I hope you don't mind,

but, um, I couldn't find any towels

for your bathroom.

- Mm, no.

I don't use them.

- Okay, then.

- They breed germs.

I have a body-dryer.

- A body-dryer?

- Yes.

- Like a hairdryer?

- Bigger.

Much more hygienic.

Did I mention the sponge system?

Blue for the bathroom...

- Purple, yellow, green.

- Oh. Well, good night, then.

- Good night.

[Sniffing]

[Sniffing]

[Whistling]

- What's that smell?

- Cooking.

- Real food?

- Well, I guess Bob made us breakfast.

Where did you get that blouse?

- It's an old one.

- Yeah, like really old.

Like five years tool old.

It's way too small for you.

- Is not.

- Is.

- Is not.

- Let's have Bob decide.

Bob?

[Bob singing]

- Is not.

- Is.

- Yes, ma'am?

- Tess's blouse - indecently small,

or acceptable fashion?

- Sorry, Miss Tess.

- That's a lot of pancakes.

- It's more cost-effective

to prepare in bulk.

- They teach you

that bulk stuff at butler school?

- Actually, at the finest...

the finest cooking school

in the world.

- The Cordon Bleu.

- The U.S. Army.

- The army? Cool.

- Would you like some pancakes,

Miss Tess?

- Sure, make me out on 50 pounds.

That'll make me popular.

- Getting grounded

for being rude

will definitely make you popular.

- Miss Tess, I wanna prepare

a special dinner tonight.

Sort of an introduction.

What does your mother like?

- She likes anything she can eat quickly

so she can get back to work.

- You know what'd be good?

Aluau.

She loves the whole Hawaiian thing.

- A luau, huh?

- Pork?

- Okay, I'll look into that.

I knew a guy once,

he was kind of a nervous fellow.

Used to bite his nails.

One day,

he was so upset,

he ate his whole hand.

- He did not.

- By the time

we pulled him off, he'd chewed

all the way up to the elbows.

- That is stupid.

- That fellow has to wear a muzzle now.

A muzzle.

All because he couldn't talk

about his problems.

I don't know about that outfit,

Miss Tess.

Are you getting out?

- I've got basketball today.

- That's great.

I love basketball.

- You're not underfourfoot.

Ah...

- Hey.

- Hi.

Guess what.

- You joined the Britney Spears

fan club?

- My mom hired a butler.

- He looks

like he's from Transylvania.

- He's not the only one.

[Laughing]

- They remind me

of the Addams Family.

[Laughing]

- Sad, sad, sad.

[Baby crying]

- Helloooo.

Hellooooo.

Hellooooo.

Ahem.

Nice melons.

- Thank you.

Nice cucumber.

- Thanks.

- You.

[Whispering]

- You.

- You.

- You.

- You.

- You.

- You.

[Blowing whistle]

[Beep]

[Music playing]

[Music playing louder]

[Beep]

- Ah!

Ladies you're damn right

Can't read a man's mind

We're living in two tribes

and heading for war

Whoo!

Nobody's perfect

We all gotta work it

but fellas we're worth it

So don't break the law

ah ah ah ah

I'm just a love machine

feeding my fantasy

Give me a kiss or three

We just need a squeeze

instead of this negligee

What will the neighbours think

This time

come take my hand

Understand that you can

You're my man

and I need you tonight

Come make my dreams

honey hard as it seems

Loving me is as easy as pie

I'm just a love machine

Feeding my fantasy

give me a kiss or three

Ooh, yeah.

- Hi.

- How ya doin'?

- Good.

- Where's your sister?

- I don't know.

Her cool friends

are very sensitive.

- She have a lot of friends?

- Compared to me,

or to normal people?

- Tess said she'd rather die

than be collected

by a man

who looks like a penguin.

- I only take random insults

from immediate friends and family.

- I'm Tess's best friend.

- Good enough.

Where is she?

- Waiting for you to leave

over cover of nightfall.

- Thank you.

Miss Tess!

Tess Jamieson!

Your butler is here and waiting!

Hurry up,

or I'll throw out

yourfavourite Bamey video!

And your stash of letters

to one J. Timberlake!

So how'd basketball go?

- I stunk.

What's you expect?

- I dunno.

What did you expect?

- Well, I thought I'd be lousy.

- Well, then it all worked out

the way you thought.

Miss Tess, how was your day?

- Do you gamble?

- What do you got in mind?

- I bet you'll be fired

within a week.

- What odds are you offering?

Doesn't anyone want

to sit up front with the luau dinner?

[Hawaiian music playing]

[Bob humming]

Dinner is served!

- This is so perfect.

- You think she'll like it?

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