Bob the Butler Page #4

- She'll be breathless.

It's a napkin, moron.

- Why the hurry?

- He made us all dinner.

The least we can do

is show him a little gratitude.

[Gasping]

Oh, my good God.

Aluau.

Who's idea was this?

- The butler.

- One Mississippi, two Mississippi,

three Mississippi, five Mississippi,

six Mississippi, seven Mississippi,

nine Mississippi, 10 Mississippi!

- Mm, rich, full-bodied...

Hmm, I smell a hint of mushroom.

- Shitake?

- Portobello. Burgundy region.

I will take you there one day.

- Can I come to Verdungy?

- Oh, Bates, sweet,

but it's not for les enfants.

[Bob whimpering]

I think it will be a trip

just for your mother and me.

- Jacques is joking.

Heh-heh.

Of course we can all go together.

The children would love it.

- Ah, the children. Of course.

- Can we go, Mom?

Just the three of us?

Jackass doesn't have to come.

- Jackass?

Who is Jackass.

[Anne "laughing"]

- I think that Bates

has an imaginary friend.

- Madam...

kalua pu'a.

The custom is to prepare the food

in a an imu,

or underground oven.

- Sounds... wonderful.

Doesn't it, children?

[Gasping]

[Tess]:
Gross.

[Anne whimpering]

- It is normally served

with a mashed taro root,

or poi.

- God!

- Plug it! Plug it up!

Ah! Ahh!

- Hot piggy! Hot piggy!

Oh, Lord.

Stay with me! Stay with me!

[Bates and Anne screaming]

[Screaming]

[All screaming]

- I cannot organize the world,

I cannot organize the world...

[boom!]

Oh...

- I think you'll find

that I just won the bet.

- Moi. I'm the Jackass.

Jacques-ass.

I'm not stupid, Anne.

Is he not Bob-ass, this butler?

- Oh, I'm so sorry.

Here, let me help you.

- Imbecile!

But no, you do not want

to check his references!

- I just wanted

to make a nice dinner.

Sort of a thank-you?

- Well, maybe if I talk to Mom.

Would that help?

- Nah. I'm the screw-up.

I've done this before.

- You blew up another pig?

- Bedtime, Bates.

- Good luck.

- Can you give me one good reason

why I shouldn't fire you right now?

- Yes.

- Okay.

I'm listening.

- Can I have till tomorrow morning?

- This is a complete disaster area!

My pristine dining room

is covered in pig shrapnel!

- I'll clean it up.

- You better.

- Every...

shred.

- Oh, and, Bob,

I think it's best if you never, ever...

ever cook anything again.

- Yes, ma'am.

[Knocking]

Thought you should know

- Closed door, big hint.

...I'm staying.

- I thought servants were meant

to be seen and not heard.

- Hey, these are great.

- Hey! Gimme that!

It's private!

- Don't get your knickers in a knot.

- Look, look, look, look, look,

look, look. Look.

- Okay.

[Laughing]

Take your time today

There's no hurry

you can wait a while

If only for a smile

Take your time today

There's no hurry

- All right!

- There you go!

You can wait a while

Oh!

If only for a smile

Oh! Jeez! Ahhh!

- Sorry!

So have you decided

Hmm? Uh-huh.

To change your worn-out mind

Then take your time today

There's no hurry

You can wait a while

[cellphone ringing]

- Hello?

Hi, Mom.

I'm in a tree.

[Laughing]

- Miss Tess.

- There you go.

- Bates, there you are.

- Thanks!

- Nice hat.

Take your time today

- Five in a row. Right back.

[Humming]

- Shoot some balls with me?

- Sure.

- What's that?

- What?

- Have you got

a remote-control ball?

- Rascal?

- Who's Rascal?

- Rascal!

Rascal!

Rascal!

Rascal!

Rascal!

[Screaming]

Rascal!!!

- Bob!!!!

Bob!

Bob!

Bob, stop!

- Rascal!!!

- Poor thing.

Someone's been

a very naughty butler.

[Rascal squeaking]

- Oh...

[squeaking]

Oh... Oh, Rascal.

Rascal.

"He licked the jar right out

of Newton's hand, sliming his palm

"with a streak of black gob,

"perhaps the most disgusting thing

Newton had experienced

"since the time

he mistakenly ate a maggot.

- Hi, guys.

How was your day?

Anything interesting happen?

- The usual.

- Oh.

- Why aren't you a dad?

- Just didn't happen yet.

- I don't have a dad.

- Everybody has a dad.

- Mom got me and Bates

from a bank.

- Tess.

- Special bank

where men make deposits.

- Tess...

- And women make withdrawals.

- If they can't find Mr. Right.

[Trumpet being played off-key

to music]

- Bob.

Bob!

- Too loud?

- Uh, no.

No. Just, uh... just really...

really horrible.

Heh-heh.

- I love the trumpet.

- Then you should practice.

- Yeah.

- Um...

Bob, you must... think

I'm a really horrible mother.

- No.

- Well, it wasn't an easy decision.

- Sure.

- I just...

I didn't wanna miss out, you know?

It's not like time

was exactly on my side,

so I thought I'd...

- Anne...

You're... you're blessed.

Sorry. I, uh...

spoke out of turn.

Zip!

- That's all right.

Thank you.

- Can I ask you a question?

- Yeah...

- What's capital management?

[Laughing]

- Bye! Thanks for the lift!

- See you later!

- Bye-bye!

[Cellphone ringing]

Hello, Judith.

I'll be about an hour or so.

It can wait.

Yeah. I'll be on my cellphone

if you need me.

Okay. Bye.

Oh!

[Car alarm ringing]

Ah! Oh...

Well, I can't come to a meeting

with stains on my blouse,

now can I?

I'm back, Bob!

I'm just gonna take a quick bath!

I'll be there as soon as I can.

[Music playing]

I'll be over at 10

They tell me time and again

I can't wait...

Why do you build me up

Build me up

Buttercup baby

- Ahhhhhh!

...let me down...

- Can I get you some towels,

ma'am?

- Mm-hmm!!!

But I love you still

I need you

I need you

more than anyone darling

You know that I have

From the start

So build me up

Buttercup

Don't break my heart

- You don't get that flipping burgers.

- Then I dribbled right, cut left

and slam-dunked it.

- Who traded in my geek brother

for a jock geek brother?

- Hey, where are you all going

on a Sunday?

- Basketball tryouts.

- Well, I'll drive you.

Let me get my purse.

- I wanna go with Bob.

- Okay. Uh...

what about you, Tess?

- I arranged to meet Sophie.

Don't you have work to do?

- Nope. Amazingly.

All right, well...

see you later.

[Cellphone ringing]

- Ah, oui, all?

Anne! What's wrong?

- I got the whole day free

and I'm lonely!

[Sighing in contentment]

It's so nice to do something

for myself for a change.

- We go out

and find a nice, quiet place.

- Oh, this is lovely!

This is nice!

Now this is relaxing.

This...

Take me home.

- What?!

- I... I... I can't be here

without them.

I just can't enjoy... myself

without the kids.

I mean, you know, I just can't!

- Let's go!

- Look, Jacques, I have children.

I love them.

They're not just going to disappear.

- You would prefer

that I disappear?

Examine the situation.

One:
You are a single woman.

Very beautiful,

true, but, uh, very, very...

anal.

- Anal. I'm anal.

- Two:
Your children.

They are not beautiful.

Just annoying.

Three:
If I go...

- I'll take three. You go. Now.

Take a cab.

- Anne!

You are a single woman

of a certain age.

You will not find another man.

Statistically,

you have a better chance

of being hit by a truck.

One driven by Bob.

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