Bob the Butler Page #5

- So?

- So what?

- How'd it go? The tryouts.

- There was no tryouts.

The coach had already decided

who was on the team.

- What?

That's not fair.

Wait here.

- You're not going to embarrass me?

- You bet I am.

[Military-style music]

Hey! You the coach?

- Who's asking?

- My name's Tree.

- Bob?

Bob the mascot?

- Jerry?

- Yeah!!!

Rrrrrrr!

- Yeah.

What happened

to the Bismark Barbarians?

- Ah, I left not long

after the owner fired you.

He was a real a-hole.

- I know. I know. I know.

- Still got your helmet, though.

You wanna see it?

- You bet.

It's about Bates.

Bates Jamieson?

- Pull up a chair.

- Uh-ooh.

- Put it on.

- Yeah. Still fits like a glove.

Areally...

weird glove.

- It took them two hours

to remove that from his buttocks.

- I probably shouldn't have

left it on his chair.

Ahem.

- So what about the Jamieson kid?

- He wants to try out for the team.

- He's kind of small.

Why is it impossible

to say no to you?

[Both]:
Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

- Yeah! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

All right.

[Blowing whistle]

- Go ahead.

Come on, Bates!

He's a little nervous.

Put one in the net there, Bates!

Put one in the net there!

How ya doin'?

- Coach hates me.

- Forget about him, okay?

It's just you and me.

Just like at home.

Come on.

Come on, let's go!

- Ah...

- Come on!

Like we practiced!

Come on!

- Hey.

- Oh, you got it, you got it.

Take it around me,

take it around me,

take it around me, put it in,

put it in the net. Come on.

No fancy stuff.

Just put it in the net.

All right! Huh?! Huh?!

- Yeah!!! I got one!!!

- Two points!

Two points!

Hey, Tess.

Been shopping?

Oh, what is that, a wristband?

Pair of socks?

[Bates]:
Mom!!!!!!

- Is it a bib?

- Hey, how were the tryouts?

- Great!

- Good. I made salmon skewers.

- Salmon?

- I'll tell Tess.

- What?

- Hey, Tess.

- Don't come in.

- Your mother made a barbecue.

- I'll be down in five.

[Bob humming]

- Would you like

to join us, Bob?

Please.

We'd like you to.

- Thank you.

It's real nice of you

to have made

these salmon skewers.

Isn't it, kids?

And a green salad.

[Bates]:
Eh...

- That was delicious.

- I should've made hot dogs.

- No, no. It was really good.

- Oh, you missed a spot.

- Where?

- Right there.

- Hmm.

You know, Tess has drawn

some amazing dress designs.

You should see her schoolbooks.

- Schoolbooks?

- Yeah, she draws

in her schoolbooks.

- You're such a liar!

You're such a stupid liar!

- Tess!

- It's not true!

I hate you, Bob!

- Tess!

Tess!

- I guess that's what it's like

having family, Rascal.

[Squeaking]

- Ups and downs.

[Knocking]

Just a second.

Come in.

- Hi.

I've spoken to Tess

and she's shown me her drawings.

You're right.

They're amazing.

So thank you for that.

- Something wrong?

- Don't take this

the wrong way, Bob.

You're the butler.

You're not herfather.

- I understand completely.

- Thanks.

Good night, then.

- Good night.

- Why are we eating in here?

- More coffee, ma'am?

- Oh, I'll get it.

- Please, ma'am.

Leave it to me.

- It's cool.

- New skirt?

- Yeah. Like it?

- No. It's like theirs.

- That's the point, stupid.

- So you coming to watch me

get my nose pierced?

- Not on this planet.

Tomorrow after school, okay?

[School bell ringing]

- Bye.

- You're hanging

with the Clone Barbies now?

- Maybe when I'm in tighter,

I'll put in a good word for you

and you can hang with.

- I liked you because I thought

you were an individual.

Like me.

Now you're just more like pathetic.

- Stop!

Excuse me.

Kate, is the fruit washed?

Judith, did you wash the fruit?

- It's pre-washed.

- Pre-washed? Pre-washed?!

- Pre-washed.

- Ah!

I do not wanna to lose this deal

because one of my investors

has the runs!

- The runs?

- Done.

Done.

Done!

[Squeaking]

Ah! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

[Screaming]

Arodent!

Oh! Rodent!

Huge rodent!

- Where is he?

- Oh! Oh!

Huge!

- Rascal?

- Rat! Ratty!

- Rascal, don't do this to me.

- Furry thing on the table!

He was there on the table!

- Hold it!

- Ah! What are you doing, Bob?

- Don't move.

- Ah... What are you doing, Bob?

[Squeaking]

Ah... ah... ah...

Ahhhh!

[Screaming]

- Rascal...

[cellphone ringing]

- Oh, Jesus.

I guess this is urgent?

- Of course it's urgent!

- Stay calm, Anne.

Do not explode.

- Too late!

I've already exploded!

I've dumped Jacques

and kicked out the hamster.

- What hamster?

- Oh, keep up!

Bob's taken over.

He spends more time with my kids-

- Than you do?

- Than butling. It's exasperating!

- Have you fired him?

- I told him the hamster

has to leave immediately

and I want

this whole house disinfected

from top to bottom!

- Oh, sounds like

someone has a crush.

- Huh! I'm paying you for this?

I'm not paying you for this!

Don't you dare bill me

for this call!

Ridiculous!

- Oh, Rascal.

[Squeaking]

Who let you out?

You know what, Tess?

That was out of order.

And if I was your father,

you would be in so much trouble.

Ya dig?

- It wasn't me.

- Yeah, whatever.

- Whatever.

- Bates...

was it you?

C'mon, Bates, why? C'mon.

Talk to me, buddy.

- I didn't make the team.

- You didn't. Okay.

That's a shame.

- I didn't make the team!

You said I would!

- Well, I never said that.

I said I would help.

I said I would try.

- I wasn't good enough.

- Not being good enough is...

life.

But you'll find

you're good at something.

Everybody's good at something.

- What are you good at?

- I can catch grapes

in my mouth.

- Mom?

I put Rascal in your room.

I didn't make the team.

- Okay.

- It doesn't matter, though.

I'll find something to be good at.

- Hello, Mr. Butler?

Bob here.

You'll look after him?

[Squeaking]

- Of course.

- Can I make you a cup of tea?

- Oh, we have a regular little butler.

What's your name,

Master?

- It's Bates.

Just Bates.

- Hmm...

- You're gonna be just fine.

- It's like an initiation thing.

- I'll start your room.

[Banging]

How's everything going?

- Fine, thanks!

Let's go.

- You got the stuff?

- No problem.

[Alarm ringing]

- Security!

- Ah!

No! Let me go!

You guys, wait!

- Purple. Purple for general.

- What?

- Purple for general,

yellow for kitchen,

blue for bathroom.

Purple for general.

- Right.

[Phone ringing]

- Hello?

Hey, Bob!

It's for you.

- Hello.

Jamieson family butler speaking.

I'll be right there.

I have to go.

Will you be okay with Mr. Butler

for a while?

- Sure.

- Come on, Bates.

When we're finished here,

I'll teach you how to polish silver

by spitting on it.

- Cool!

- Yeah!

[Military-style music]

- Hey! I'm looking

for Tess Jamieson.

- Tough love.

We give kids a dose of reality,

scare 'em straight

before it's too late.

- This one's not like that.

- You're one of those

always-looking-for-the-best

- in-people guys?

Hmm! We'll keep her

for an hour or two,

then you can take her.

- Listen, if I may be so bold,

you'll let her out this second.

Or I'll call my friend Judge Sharma

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