Bogus Page #5

HAVING:

A CONVERSATION:

BY YOURSELF?

I HAVE A THEORY:

ABOUT THAT.

IF I CAN'T SEE IT,

IT DOESN'T EXIST.

THAT'S BECAUSE YOU

DON'T BELIEVE IN MAGIC.

YEAH, WELL...

I DON'T.

YOU KNOW WHY?

BECAUSE WHEN I WAS

A LITTLE KID,

THEY USED TO HAVE

THIS SHOW ON TV:

CALLED PETER PAN.

HAD THIS:

GROWN WOMAN IN I NAMED MARY MARTIN

DRESSED UP:

LIKE A LITTLE BOY,

WHICH I DON' EVEN WANT TO

GET INTO NOW.

SO THIS LITTLE FAIRY

GETS SICK, RIGHT?

TINKERBELL.

SHE DRINKS THE POISON

THAT CAPTAIN HOOK

LEFT FOR PETER.

YEAH. WHOEVER, WHATEVER.

ANYWAY, THEY SAID,

"WELL, IF YOU

BELIEVE IN MAGIC,

"WHY, THEN, YOU JUS CLAP YOUR HANDS,

AND SHE'LL GET BETTER.

YEAH, IF YOU BELIEVE,

CLAP YOUR HANDS, OOH!

SHE'LL GET BETTER."

LET ME TELL YOU:

SOMETHING:

I DIDN'T BELIEVE, SO I

DIDN'T CLAP MY HANDS,

AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

SHE GOT BETTER ANYWAY,

WHICH JUST GOES:

TO SHOW YOU THERE IS

NO SUCH THING AS MAGIC.

PEOPLE JUST TRY:

TO MAKE YOU BELIEVE

THAT THERE IS.

I WATCHED THAT VIDEO

WITH MY MOM.

WE ALWAYS:

CLAPPED OUR HANDS.

YEAH, WELL...

HA HA!

YOU CAN'T BELIEVE--

I GOT CAUGH IN A DETOUR.

YOU KNOW, THEY'RE

TEARING UP ALLEN STREET.

COME ON, HARRIET.

NOBODY TAKES:

ALLEN STREET.

YOU TAKE ROSE,

AND YOU CU ACROSS THE 92.

SO YOU BROUGH YOUR BODYGUARD, HUH?

ALBERT, MR. MORRISON.

HI. BOB.

COME ON.

I JUST WANT TO:

SHOW YOU THIS.

Harriet:
ISN'T THIS GREAT?

ISN'T THIS SPECTACULAR?

ISN'T IT EVERYTHING I SAID

IT WAS GOING TO BE?

I MEAN, IT'S AMAZING.

LOOK AT THIS PLACE!

AND YOU KNOW WHAT'S

WONDERFUL ABOUT IT?

IT HAS ITS OWN:

2 TRUCKS.

ALBERT, DON'T BREAK ANYTHING.

I DON'T OWN IT YET.

AND LEAVE:

THAT CAT ALONE.

BOB, SO, CAN YOU SEE

WHAT I CAN DO HERE?

YOU CAN MAKE:

A LOT OF SOUP.

BOB, I'M SERIOUS.

I TAKE YOU:

SERIOUSLY, HARRIET.

I ALWAYS DID.

WELL, THEN,

MAKE THE NUMBERS WORK.

PUT IT TOGETHER, BOB,

AND MAKE IT WORK.

Albert:
WOW!

Bogus:
VANILLA.

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

OH, UH...

STRAWBERRY!

STRAWBERRY? WHAT?

OK, STRAWBERRY.

STRAWBERRY.

AND CHOCOLATE.

CHOCOLATE.

BANANAS.

TUTTI-FRUTTI ONCE

AND SPUMONI TWICE

BANANA SPLI FOR MY BABY

AND A GLASS:

OF PLAIN WATER FOR ME

SPRAY THE WHIP CREAM

FOR AT LEAST AN HOUR

PILE IT AS HIGH:

AS THE EIFFEL TOWER

NUTS!

LOAD IT WITH NUTS,

ABOUT 16 TONS

TOP IT WITH A PIZZA

JUST FOR FUN:

BANANA SPLIT FOR MY BABY

AND A GLASS:

OF PLAIN WATER FOR ME

BANANA SPLIT FOR MY BABY

AND A GLASS:

OF PLAIN WATER FOR ME

WHY WRAP YOURSELF UP

IN THIS PLACE?

IT'S LIKE

A BIG TOMB.

ALL YOUR VITALITY,

WHY DO YOU WANT TO

BURY IT IN HERE?

WELL, BECAUSE THIS

IS GOOD, BOB.

THIS IS:

A GOOD INVESTMENT.

I'LL DO MY BEST.

Bob:
THAT LOOKS GOOD.

WHAT DO YOU:

GOT THERE?

A BANANA SPLIT!

UH-HUH.

MAY I HAVE A TASTE?

MMM!

THAT'S GOOD!

YOU KNOW,

I HAVE A BOY YOUR AGE.

I'M GIVING HIM

A BIRTHDAY PARTY

IN A COUPLE OF WEEKS.

LIKE TO COME?

SURE.

GOOD!

YOU LIKE A PARTY,

DON'T YOU, HARRIET?

OH, YEAH!

GOT TO GO.

WAIT A MINUTE, BOB.

THERE'S SO MUCH

I WANT TO SHOW YOU.

I'VE SEEN ENOUGH.

I'LL RUN SOME NUMBERS

AND GET BACK TO YOU.

SO LONG, ALBERT.

DON'T GET NO TUMMY ACHE.

SO LONG, BOB.

Harriet:

RUN THE NUMBERS, BOB.

I'LL DO THE BES I CAN, HARRIET.

ASK HER IF SHE WANTS

A BANANA SPLIT.

SHE WON'T.

SHE WON'T WHAT?

NOTHING.

COME ON.

LISTEN, UH...

THIS IS THE DEAL.

I BROUGHT HIM HERE

TO SHOW HIM:

ALL OF THIS:

BECAUSE I WANT HIM

TO GIVE ME THE MONEY

TO GET IT.

NOW BECAUSE OF:

YOU, WE'RE GOING

TO A PARTY,

SO I WANT YOU:

TO TAKE BOB ASIDE,

AND I WANT YOU:

TO SAY, "BOB,

THIS INVESTMEN IS GREAT FOR

YOUR BANK."

REPEAT THAT TO ME

RIGHT NOW.

Both:
THIS INVESTMEN IS GREAT FOR YOUR BANK.

ALBERT, CAN I ASK

YOU A QUESTION?

WHO DO YOU TALK TO

ALL THE TIME?

BOGUS.

BOGUS.

AND, UH...WHERE'S

YOUR FRIEND COME FROM?

FRANCE. HE'S FRENCH.

FRENCH.

OUI.

OUI.

LISTEN, ALBERT,

I GOT TO TELL YOU.

I'D FEEL A LO MORE COMFORTABLE

IF YOU HAD:

SOME VISIBLE FRIENDS.

SEE, THEN I WOULDN'T CARE

IF THEY WERE FROM FRANCE

OR GERMANY OR ETHIOPIA.

TELL HER ABOU ETHIOPIA.

ETHIOPIA IS:

IN THE NORTHERN:

PART OF AFRICA.

CHILDREN IN ETHIOPIA

ARE VERY HUNGRY.

THERE'S A DROUGHT THERE.

THAT MEANS NO RAIN.

LIZA MINNELLI:

WENT THERE ONCE:

WITH SHIRLEY MacLAINE.

MOM TOLD ME AUDREY HEPBURN

MADE THEM COME.

HOW DO YOU:

KNOW ALL THAT?

I WROTE A REPORT.

MY MOM HELPED ME.

YOU WAN A ROOT BEER?

YOU KNOW, ALBERT,

YOU'RE SO SMART.

I...I JUST DON' THINK YOU NEED

THAT FRENCH GUY ANYMORE.

LET ME:

TAKE CARE OF HIM.

SAY THERE, MR. BOGUS,

I DON'T THINK ALBERT--

Albert:
THAT'S NO WHERE HE IS.

HE'S NOT TEENY-TINY?

HE'S BIGGER

THAN YOU ARE.

OH.

OH! HA HA!

OF COURSE HE IS!

LOOK AT HIM STANDING

RIGHT OVER THERE.

LISTEN, IT'S TIME

FOR YOU TO GO:

BACK TO FRANCE.

YOU KNOW, ALBER DOESN'T REALLY

NEED YOU ANYMORE.

I KNOW! NO, I KNOW

THAT YOU'RE NOT HAPPY

HERE IN NEWARK.

YOU HATE NEWARK.

I KNOW YOU DO.

OH. WELL,

NO, YOU AGREE.

OF COURSE.

HA HA! THANK YOU.

WELL, IT'S BEEN REAL.

BYE-BYE NOW.

AU REVOIR.

VOILA. HE'S GONE.

YOU DIDN'T REALLY

SEE HIM.

OF COURSE I DID.

WHAT WAS HE WEARING?

A COAT.

A BIG COAT.

A BIG, FRENCH COAT.

WHAT COLOR WAS IT?

BROWN. HE WAS WEARING

A BIG, FRENCH, BROWN COAT,

AND HE SAID:

TO SAY GOOD-BYE,

SO WHY DON'T YOU

FINISH YOUR SPAGHETTI,

HAVE AN OREO COOKIE,

AND I'M GOING TO FINISH

MY PHONE CALLS, OK?

SEE, WE'RE WORKING

IT OUT, ALBERT.

[WHISPERING]

Bogus.

Bogus.

BOGUS?

BOGUS?

BOGUS!

BOGUS, YOU CAN

COME OUT NOW.

Bogus:

RRRR...

[RAT-TAT-TAT]

OH!

WHERE WERE YOU?

WHY DID YOU DISAPPEAR?

SHE FOOLED YOU.

SHE FOOLED ME, TOO,

FOR A MINUTE.

I THOUGHT I WAS GONE.

PENDENT UNE MINUTE,

J'AI CRU QUE J'ETAIS PARTI.

Albert:
I DON'T WANT YOU

TO LEAVE ME AGAIN.

THAT'S AN ORDER.

OUI, MON GENERAL.

YOU'RE MY FRIEND,

AND I WANT YOU TO

ALWAYS BE MY FRIEND.

FOR AS LONG:

AS YOU NEED ME.

I'LL ALWAYS NEED YOU.

YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND.

MY ONLY FRIEND.

YOU'RE MY MON AMI.

I AM YOUR:

BEST FRIEND.

I KNOW YOU BETTER

THAN ANYONE.

BETTER THAN ANYONE.

BETTER THAN YOU:

KNOW YOURSELF.

[HUMMING]

[SINGING IN FRENCH]

[THE CONTINENTAL PLAYING]

Bogus, faintly:
HELLO.

HELLO.

HARRIET?

HELLO?

HELLO.

WOULD YOU LIKE:

TO SEE ME?

MMM...

[BLOWS]

HUH!

ALBERT?

Harriet:
ALBERT, WERE YOU

IN MY ROOM LAST NIGHT?

Albert:
NO.

[TALKING ON RADIO]

[SHUTS OFF RADIO]

LET'S GO.

UHH!

UHH...

Woman:
WORDS STARTING

WITH "A." ANYBODY ELSE?

Girl:
ARTICHOKE.

ARTICHOKE. WHA A WONDERFUL WORD, ANGELA.

THAT WILL BE:

FUN TO USE IN A SENTENCE.

I'LL SHOW YOU

HOW TO SPELL IT.

Angela:
I KNOW

HOW TO SPELL IT.

Boy:

HOW ABOUT ALASKA?

GOOD, THOMAS.

ALASKA'S A GOOD SUBJECT.

IT'S OUR COUNTRY'S

LARGEST STATE.

I KNOW THAT.

UH, WORDS

BEGINNING WITH "B."

ALBERT?

BOGUS.

BOGUS. WELL, WHA A GROWN-UP WORD.

CAN YOU TELL ME:

WHAT IT MEANS?

IT MEANS...

FRIEND.

I'M AFRAID THAT'S

NOT RIGHT, ALBERT.

BOGUS IS A WORD:

YOU'LL USE WHEN

YOU'RE A LITTLE OLDER.

IT MEANS FAKE.

SOMETHING THA IS NOT REAL.

NO, BOGUS IS REAL.

BOGUS IS NOT REAL.

THE WORD BOGUS MEANS

JUST THE OPPOSITE

OF REAL.

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